Barbie

Since the beginning of time,

since the first little girl ever existed,

there have been dolls.

But the dolls were always and forever baby dolls.

The girls who played with them

could only ever play at being mothers.

Which can be fun, at least for a while, anyway.

Ask your mother.

This continued until...

["Thus Spoke Zarathustra" plays]

Yes, Barbie changed everything.

Then, she changed it all again.

All of these women are Barbie,

and Barbie is all of these women.

She might have started out as just a lady in a bathing suit,

but she became so much more.

She has her own money, her own house,

her own car, her own career.

Because Barbie can be anything, women can be anything.

And this has been reflected back

onto the little girls of today in the Real World.

Girls can grow into women,

who can achieve everything

and anything they set their mind to.

Thanks to Barbie,

all problems of feminism and equal rights have been solved.

At least that's what the Barbies think.

After all, they're living in Barbie Land.

Who am I to burst their bubble?

And here is one of those Barbies now,

living her best day every day.

When you're playing with Barbies...

Hi, Barbie.

...nobody bothers to walk them down the stairs

and out the door, et cetera.

You just pick them up

and put them where you want them to go.

You use your imagination.

-Hi, Barbie. -Hi, Skipper.

-Hi, Barbie. -And Midge.

Midge was Barbie's pregnant friend.

She was discontinued by Mattel

because a pregnant doll is just too weird.

Anyway, Barbie has another big day ahead of her.

- Hi, Barbie. -Morning, Barbie. Hi.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-Another great day. -Good morning, Barbie.

Hi.

-Hey, ladies. Hi. -Good morning!

Everybody, turn to the Barbie next to you. Tell her how much you love her.

Compliment her.

Reporter Barbie, you can ask me any question you want.

Well, how come you're so amazing?

No comment.

No, seriously, no comment.

Ah, I love you guys.

The Nobel Prize for Journalism goes to... Barbie.

I work very hard, so I deserve it.

And the Nobel Prize for Literature

-goes to... Barbie. -

-You're the voice of a generation. -I know.

In our assessment, money is not speech,

and corporations have no free speech rights to begin with.

So any claim on their part to be exercising a right

is just their attempt to turn our democracy into a plutocracy.

This makes me emotional, and I'm expressing it.

I have no difficulty holding both logic

and feeling at the same time.

And it does not diminish my powers.

It expands them.

Hi, Barbie.

What can't Barbie do?

Hi, Barbie.

Yay, space!

Gosh.

Barbie has a great day every day,

but Ken only has a great day if Barbie looks at him.

Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Ken.

-Hi, Barbie! -Hi, Barbie!

Hi, Barbie.

-Hi, Ken. -Hi, Ken.

-Hi, Ken. -Hi, Ken.

-Hi, Ken. -I got us both ice creams.

-Cool. -Hi, Barbie.

-Hi, Barbie. -Hi, Barbie.

-Hi, Barbie. -Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

-Hi, Barbie! -Hi, Ken.

-Hi, Barbie. -Hi, Ken.

-Hi, Barbie. -Hi, Barbie.

Hi, Barbies.

-Bye, Barbies. -Bye, Barbie.

Hi, Barbie.

Oh, hi, Allan.

There are no multiples of Allan. He's just Allan.

Yeah, I'm, I... confused about that.

Hey, Barbie. Check me out.

Ken!

-Ooh! - No!

Oh!

- -Whoa!

Oh, no!

-Oh, my God! -Oh, no!

That's gotta hurt.

-Ken. -Oh, hey, Barbie.

-Hi. -How much of that did you see?

We saw the whole thing.

Let's get you up on your feet, Ken. There you go.

-You guys are so strong. -Use your legs. There he is.

-You okay? -Yep. Totally.

Looks like this beach was a little too much beach for you, Ken.

If I wasn't severely injured,

I would beach you off right now, Ken.

I'll beach off with you any day, Ken.

Hold my ice cream, Ken.

All right, Ken, you're on.

Let's beach off.

Anyone who wants to beach him off

has to beach me off first.

I will beach both of you off at the same time.

But you don't even know how to beach yourself off.

How you gonna beach both of us off?

- Uh, Kens? -It doesn't make sense.

-Why are you getting emotional? -So you can beach yourself off!

Come on, Kens. Nobody's gonna beach anyone off.

Okay?

Let's go.

-Okay, okay. -Okay.

-You did so well. -You still hurt?

We'll get you fixed up.

-Go! -Go!

-Barbie, hold my hand! -You're okay.

Stay with me, Barbie!

Great.

Not even broken. You'll be fine.

Shredding waves is much more dangerous than people realize.

You're very brave, Ken.

-Thank you, Barbie. -Yeah.

-You know surfer is not even my job. -I know.

And it is not lifeguard, which is a common misconception.

-Very common. -Because actually my job...

-...it's just beach. -Right.

And what a good job you do at beach.

You should heal up in no time.

Actually, in the time that it took for me

to say that sentence, you healed.

-Fantastic. -Nice.

-Hey, Barbie. -Yeah?

Can I come to your house tonight?