The 40 Year Old Virgin

♪♪

Hey, Andy! What's up, dude?

Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara. How you doing?

When you going to get a car?

Hey, why don't you get a car? I can't afford it.

So, Survivor tomorrow night. We on? See you then.

I'll bring a soda. Hey, enjoy your orange.

Okay, take care. See you. Bye-bye.

That guy needs to get laid. Tell me something I don't know.

Good morning.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Sorry.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Good morning. Hey.

Good morning, Paula. Andy.

Excuse me. I have a question.

What is the difference between Hi8 and Digital video tapes?

I'm not a salesman, so, I could probably--

Welcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you?

Well, I was just wondering...

what is the difference between these?

Well, if I'm photographing someone as fine as yourself

I'd probably go Digital.

♪ Hey, don't worry I've been lied to ♪♪

My God. Sorry I'm late, man. No problem.

Oh, man.

I had a weekend. Yeah?

We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know...

and we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to this show.

Everyone's, "You gotta check out one of these shows."

And, you know, it's a woman fucking a horse.

We get there, and, you know, we think it's gonna be awesome

and it is not as cool as it sounds like it would be, man.

It's kind of gross. Yeah.

You think, "A woman fucking a horse"...

and you get there and it's...

a woman fucking a horse. Yeah.

It was really giving it to her.

And you know what...

to be honest, I felt bad for her. We all just felt bad for her.

Yeah. Kind of felt bad for the horse.

Wow, that's something. So what did you get up to?

You know, I just kind of hung out. I was....

God, Friday, when I went home...

I really wanted an egg-salad sandwich.

And I was just obsessing about it and I was like:

"Man, I'm gonna make one of those."

So Saturday I went out and I got, like, a dozen eggs...

and I boiled them all and then I just...

I spent, I don't know, probably three hours...

like, three-and-a-half hours making...

you know, the mayonnaise and the onions and paprika...

and, you know, all the accoutrement.

And then, by the time I was done...

I just really didn't feel like eating it.

I can imagine. And I didn't have any bread.

So, you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.

Sounds pretty awesome. Yeah, it was fine.

Sounds really fun.

Cool. Cool.

Cool, cool.

Hey, Paula. Yeah.

I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it.

For the first time today, I woke up...

I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you...

that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD...

that you've been playing for two years straight, off...

I'm going to kill everyone in the store...

and put a bullet in my brain.

David, what do you suggest we play? I don't care. Anything.

I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast .

I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours...

than have to listen to Michael McDonald.

Nothing against him, but if I hear Yah Mo B There one more time...

I'm gonna yah mo burn this place to the ground.

You're such a smart ass. Get back on the floor.

Fuck you.

How about Andy? No.

Come on, man. We need, what, five guys...

to play a decent poker game, right? Yeah.

If we cancel this, I'm gonna have to go...

to some stupid-ass birthday party with Jill...

and that shit ain't happening.

No. Why not?

He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that...

he is a serial murderer.

Who cares, man? He's a nice guy.

I just wanna get drunk, fucked up, and play some cards.

That's great. Look, I don't wanna end up a lampshade...

in some creepy apartment, that's what I'm saying.

I don't really see any other options.

Andy. My man.

You got any plans later on tonight?

Why, do we have to unload the Sony truck?

No, the guys are getting together, we're playing some poker

thought, you know, you'd wanna play.

With you guys?

Yeah, sure. That would be cool.

You know how to play, right? Yeah, I play online sometimes.

We're gonna play in the store. Great.

Are we allowed to do that?

Absolutely not. Yeah.

Oh.

Well, so I'm gonna go tell Paula.

I'm just kidding.

I'm kidding. That sounds great. Cool, I'll see you guys tonight.

Okay. All right.

Oops.

I almost feel guilty. No, you don't.

Going down!

Going down!

Dumbass.

And a full house.

Oh, my dukes! What?

How much fucking online poker do you play, dawg?

For like an hour or two a night, when I'm not playing Halo.

Why did you invite this guy? He's a fucking ringer, man.

This is hog shit.

You, you're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here.

You tell me he was a nice guy, didn't you?

Well, fuck you people, and fuck you, you and you...

fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass, okay?

I'm gonna see you tomorrow.

Peace. All right, man.

Fuck a goat.

Good night. I love that guy.

Dude, you totally.... Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.

About to go see Ellen in a little bit.

Going now? Late-night action, huh?

Dude, you know how it goes.

Does your girlfriend know about all these late-night visits?

It's like an unspoken agreement. Yeah.

It's like a completely and utterly unspoken agreement.

If you knew her, if you knew who I was dealing with...

you wouldn't be saying this shit.

There's nothing you can't do with this woman...

straight up and down. I literally sit at home...

trying to think of things to do to her. I'm dead serious.

Sometimes I just sit for hours, just staring at the sky...

trying to come up with something to do.

I don't even know if she can walk.

I've never seen her standing up. I've only seen her on her back.

Wow! Yeah.

That's sick, man.

Wow. That is not sick.

I will give you sick. Oh, shit.

I was sleeping with a woman recently, she had the....

Her tits were unbelievable. Oh, man, I love titties.

And so we're doing it and I'm about to finish...

and her dog starts licking my ass.

I swear to God, I have to decide, do I finish or do I stop the dog?

I know your nasty ass. He finished.

I finished. And then I stole the dog.

No, I didn't, but....

You know, sometimes, Amy and I would make love...

till it was almost like we weren't two people...

but we were two spirits or something.

Our souls were connected in this way, I can't describe it.

Time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.

Stop, man! Why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things?

"Sharing the same heart," that's like some...

Britney Spears shit, man.

This is three grown ass men, don't nobody want to hear that shit.

Yeah, man, come on, nobody wants to hear that shit.

Thank you, Andy. Dude, you broke up two years ago.

You get over it at some point. Two years, man.

You need to get past that...

because no ass is worth thinking that much about...

I always say.

Andy, do me a favor.

Would you please help him redeem himself by telling a real sex story?

Yes.

I don't.... You know what, I'm a gentleman and I don't....

I don't kiss and tell.

Fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest shit you've ever done.

I'm talking about nasty.

Wow.

So many stories are running through my head right now.

I dated this girl...

for a while, and she was really a nasty freak.

She just loved to get down with sex all the time.

She was like, any time of day, she was like:

"Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty."

And I'd be nailing her.

Oh, shit. She'd be like:

"Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."

She talk dirty to you? She loved to dirty-talk.

Totally into it. She'd be like:

"Yeah, let's screw, let's.... I wanna fuck."

God, it was so dirty.

She'd be like, "Me so horny, me love you long time."

So....

So what were the titties like? Yeah, describe her....

Yeah, she had great tits.

No, I mean, like, detailed. Did she have, like, you know...

them little pink teeny nipples. Oh, yeah.

Or like the long National Geographic nipples.

You have like the bumpy Braille nipples, the Stevie Wonders.

Yeah, they were nice.

You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's....