Resident Alien

"Previously, on Resident Alien..."

- "I adopted the Alien Tracker's son, Robert." - Son!

It's the Greys. They're planning on taking over the Earth.

"I have devised a plan of my own."

"I am building a bomb that can destroy the Grey's spaceship."

You hit him going fifty miles per hour and now he's gone.

Joseph is an alien.

They are going to take me again. And when they do, I'm going to fight.

And I'm not gonna stop until we get our baby back.

- Where is my son? - Uh!

- What are you doing here? - Oh, we came to blow up the ship.

What kind of alien was in that jail cell, anyway?

"That's a Mantid. They're shape-shifters."

- Holy shit. - They took my baby. There she is.

- Ah! - Bridget and I have to find that bomb.

I will find D'arcy, too. I promise.

- Harry? - You have to get to safety.

There's nothing down there for me, my father's gone. Go.

- You're holding a baby. - Long story.

- At least we made it off the ship. - Except it's not a ship.

Oh, my God.

- Max has something to say to you. - Ah!

This is some bullshit!

Asta's friend?

Red? What's her name?

Um, Marcy? Darby? Dar... Uh... Darby?

Darby? Darby?

- Harry! - Pizza Joe?

What are you doing on a Grey alien spaceship?

I've been abducted by aliens, you have to get me out of here!

I also have this pizza and no one to give it to.

How do I know that you are not that shape-shifting Mantid Alien

tricking me into thinking that you are my regular pizza guy?

I am a man of my word.

I also have a coupon for you for half-off your next pizza.

Son of a bitch.

There is a thirty percent chance that he's lying but I think it's worth it.

Be quiet Bridget, I said I think it's worth it!

- Thank you for saving me. - Uh-huh.

Where's the pizza?

No!

You are a...

You are a... Uh...

You are a dickhead.

Could you hurry up with that drawing? I need fresh wall art for my cell.

I will take my time, thanks.

If you don't like it, you shouldn't have let the Mantid trick you into that cell.

It is not my fault.

The fake pizza that the Mantid had was pepperoni.

It does not matter.

The Mantid thinks he can take over my life in Patience?

Ha, ha, ha.

There is only one Harry Vanderspeigle.

No one will believe that the Mantid is really me.

- Hi, Doctor Vanderspeigle. - Morning, Doctor V.

You know those things can kill you.

Oh, I'm so scared.

Oh, there's Doctor Vanderspeigle. Hey.

Hi, Harry.

What?

You, uh, looking forward to our therapy session later today?

I'd rather eat a human head.

Hm.

Oh.

Jokester.

- Oh, God! - Oh.

Decide to come to work today?

- Decide to wash your hair today? - Be nice.

Miss Lofgren is inside waiting for you. She's in for her mammogram.

Must be Titty Tuesday.

Harry.

Isn't it Thursday?

Yeah. It's Thursday.

"In prison, your world is very small."

"It is made difficult by how little you have."

"And worse by what you do not have at all."

"Prison is a concept that many beings in the universe do not bother with."

"If you do not want someone in your way you just kill them."

"There is a kindness in murder."

Forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.

I should not have to pay you for this.

You should want to decorate the prison cell of your father and your brother.

You're not my father and that little thing is not my brother.

Do not disrespect Bridget. He is the reason you have that food.

My little baby is the boss of the prison-yard economy.

My sweet baby has gotten so hard.

- Did you know he has a bitch named Maurice? - Bitch Maurice!

How proud you must be.

"I am proud of my baby. But it is not enough."

"I miss my life."

"I miss my friend."

Oh, shit.

You slept over, you weren't supposed to sleep over!

D'arcy is out there!

- Hey, good morning. - Oh, hey, there.

- Aren't you supposed to be at work? - I overslept.

What time is it? God, it's late.

Uh, I... I, uh... I was up all night looking at some medical files,

but I can't tell you what because of HIPAA.

You know, the, uh... the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act?

HIPAA's really important. You know?

Are you heading out soon?

You know the CIA has six different markers on how to detect a liar.

I'm actually proficient in all six.

But I don't need any of them because you have hook-up hair.

Hey. I like her hooker hair.

- Wow. Ken doll jump scare. - Oh, God.

Okay,

I'm gonna need you to put your clothes on, and I thought you were done with all this.

Okay, well, I had a big glass of wine and he has a cute dumb face.

I'll just show myself out.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

The cutest of the cutest ones is here.

- Who slept through the night? - I did.

Cool, keep moving.

Okay, it's nice that she's comfortable here. But you know, it might not be the best thing.

Well, yeah. She should be with Ben and Kate.

You know you can't do that.

"Yeah, with Kate being abducted we just can't risk it."

"She's right. When the Greys come to get Kate again,"

"they'll just take that baby with them."

"You can't let that baby anywhere near that house."

I know that, okay?

And don't be talking like you're not one of the bad guys.

I don't work for the Greys anymore.

But I do know how they operate.

The whole baby stealing thing is their bread and butter.

Sure, there were some layoffs after the Yellowstone disaster,

but not the baby-stealing division.

Those jobs are safe.

I got a friend who works in day-abductions.

He just bought a house and a pool.

- Okay. - You're getting closer to the door

but it's not opening and you're not going through it.

- See you later? - I don't think so.

- Okay, call me. - No.

- Talk to you soon. - Please go.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm kind of glad you're getting some.

- If only he wasn't half alien. - Oh, I've done worse.

Here comes Suspect one, codename Joseph.

That's not a code name, that's just his name.

Yeah, that's the code.

Suspect two, codename Asta, the double-agent, is still in the house.

- Let me see those. - That's a negative.

- Only team leader gets the binos. - Hey, I saved your life from that Mantid.

I'm the one who told him you screamed because you stepped on a bee.

So, if it wasn't for me, he would've eaten codename Max.

Shh. Don't use codenames so loud,

you'll blow my cover.

It's just so hard.

Daisy should be at home with her family.

- "Daisy"? - Yeah, doesn't she look like a Daisy?

Just like a pretty little flower?

Okay, maybe instead of naming her and bonding,

we should find somewhere she's safer

and not five minutes away from Ben and Kate's house.

No.

There's nowhere she's gonna be safer than here with me.

We just have to keep this little snookums away from the Grey aliens.

"And if we can do that, then we have nothing else to worry about."

"Memory is cruel. Humans are annoying"

"but when you believe you will never see them again"

"you begin to remember only the good things."

"Now I am beginning to miss people I do not even like."

It is not right. Uh,

Mayor Snowflake should look adorably less intelligent.

And the horse-maned one should be sadder because the Greys stole her baby.

She is probably so depressed she cannot even get out of bed.

Hey, hon, uh, some good news, uh, do you remember Misses Brown,

the... the woman who... who sued the town when she got bit by the snapping turtle?

You mean the woman who got what she deserved for going barefoot in Salt Marsh Pond?

- Ah! - I like the attitude, it's very sexy.

Yeah, so, I... I went through the clerk's call logs.

And I saw that she reported some mysterious being in her yard a couple months ago.

- So, I'm talking to her today. - Cool, maybe a raccoon took our baby.

Hon, I... I know that you're frustrated,

but if... if we want to get our baby back, we have to follow all leads.

- Does that dummy look like me? - What?

I mean, did... did it always? Did you... Did you do something to it?

No. Came like that.

Look, it's not you. And I'm gonna get her back.

All right, I've been training, I'm ready for anything.

If and when they take me again they're getting killer Kate.

- Uh! - Ouch. Almost felt that one.

But hey, yeah, you know, don't worry.

The aliens will abduct you soon. You just... you have to stay positive.

- Thanks, sweetie. - Hm.

Hi.

Oh, hey, Deputy. You want the rest of my bagel?

I already got six sesame seeds stuck in my teeth and I'm low on floss.

I know you're on extended leave,

but I can't get a new uniform unless you sign for it.

This one doesn't fit me anymore.

- Looks fine to me. - So you notice nothing different about me?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. You come in here and bother me a lot.

- You didn't used to do that. - Because you used to come to work.

Might I remind you that I am on a medical leave since I started hallucinating.

You didn't hallucinate. You really saw an alien.

- "I thought I saw an alien." - Ah!