The Rewrite

So thanks very much for having me in and here's my pitch.

Um, this is a movie I've had in my head for a long time. It's a comedy.

Hopefully. (LAUGHING)

Anyway...

Let's say Jack Nicholson decided

that he wanted to know what people truly thought of him.

Whether his life had actually amounted to anything.

So he fakes his death and stages his own funeral.

I just think the possibilities are pretty hilarious.

Ultimately, amid all the cliché eulogies

and insincere expressions of grief,

he discovers one grandson who truly misses him.

It could be very heartwarming.

I don't get this.

Just like I didn't get it when you pitched it to me six months ago.

I did? Where was that?

At the Red Sunset premiere.

Glad I left such an impression that night.

Oh, right, sorry, yeah, yeah. I knew I knew you.

Sorry. Yes! Yes!

Yeah, you were between jobs and looking for a development position.

So, bravo!

No, that was a great night.

Oh, of course, there's no reason why it couldn't be a woman.

You know, everyone loves Betty White.

Keith, we love you.

We're huge fans.

This is the studio that made your Paradise Misplaced 15 years ago,

- when Jenny over here was just an embryo. - (ALL LAUGH)

It's a fun idea, it's just not for us.

We're looking more for edgy comedies with a kick-ass-type woman.

Now if you have something like that, we'd love to hear it.

You are a fantastic agent as you have frequently told me.

I just wanted to ask, do you think you could possibly find me just, uh...

Just one job, you know? Just any job.

OK.

There is something.

You have to hear me out.

If it pays, I'll take it.

My brother-in-law is a chem professor at Binghamton University in upstate New York,

and they're looking for a writer in residence this semester,

cos the one they had died, so I thought of you.

You thought of me for a teaching job?

Look, you're going to teach a screenwriting class.

You're going to take some time to figure out your life

and write something great.

And they're going to give you a car, a house, a salary.

Yeah, a pitiful one I don't doubt.

Well, it's a lot more than you're making now.

Yeah, but I can't teach and I hate teachers, you know.

They're frustrated losers who haven't done anything with their own lives

so they want to instruct other people.

Oh, forget it, I will just write my script on spec and...

Keith?

OK. Where exactly is Binghamton?

The city of Binghamton is 2,754 miles from Los Angeles

and 172 miles northwest of New York City.

IBM was founded there.

Sir, is this your bag?

- Yeah. - Well, we have to check it.

OK.

Rod Serling, creator of Twilight Zone grew up and was raised there.

I admit there's a somewhat ominous quality to that factoid.

What is this?

- Uh... - "Best Original Screenplay."

Dude, you wrote Paradise Misplaced?

I did. Yeah, yeah.

That's such a great flick.

- Thank you. Thanks very much. - (EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

Yo, Kevin, Ali, come here.

This is Keith Michaels. He wrote Paradise Misplaced.

- You wrote that? - Yeah, yeah.

A long time ago but I did, yeah.

Oh, I love that movie, man.

- My kids love that movie. - Thank you, thank you, I appreciate it.

- Nice to meet you. - Uh, nice to meet you, too.

Wow, look at this.

I could have brought a bomb on board and no one would have minded.

Don't say that. That's not good.

Oh, you're so right.

I'm sorry. I apologise.

I used to know what was funny.

Thank you. Thank you.

Binghamton is also the birthplace of the Spiedie,

a sandwich consisting of cubes of marinated beef, chicken, or pork

grilled over a charcoal pit.

Binghamton is amongst the top 10 most cloudy and rainy American cities.

On the plus side, it is considered "the carousel capital of the world".

It has never been the site of a major riot.

And from what I can tell so far, it is the absolute end of civilisation.

It's impossible to know what anyone could have to teach here

except "get out".

Can I help you with something?

Oh, sorry. I'm just a bit jet-lagged.

I just flew in from LA.

- You came here from LA? - Yeah. Yeah.

I have come to teach at the college.

- What are you teaching? - Writing. Screenwriting.

You're Keith Michaels?

- I submitted a screenplay for that class. - Ah.

He wrote Paradise Misplaced.

Are you kidding me?

Come sit with us.

No, I don't want to impose...

Dude, you have to. It's only my favourite movie of all time.

Uh, OK, I will... I will obey.

Thank you.

I'm Karen. This is Judy and Chloe.

Right. What are you all majoring in then?

- I'm pre-med. - Really?

And where do you stand on full body scans?

Would you say helpful or would you say cancer-causing cash conduits?

- Well, I mean... - Nice alliteration.

I'm an English major.

I thought I recognised a fellow sufferer.

And Chloe is majoring in, uh...

Telepathy?

I can't believe you wrote that movie.

That's absolutely, truly cool.

Nice assonance.

- Assonance is the repetition of vowel sounds. - Vowel sounds.

Look at me. Teaching already.

I really want to take your course.

Well, that's good news. I thought maybe no one would.

Fantastic.

- (BARKING) - Henry, no. Sorry.

Henry's not used to seeing people in the house.

I'm Jim.

Hi, Jim.

Henry.

I've got to get ready for work.

Right. No problem.

Hey.

Ah. Good morning.

Uh, I unfortunately have to go.

I'm supposed to meet the head of the department.

Dr Lerner. I had him for Chaucer.

- When you say you "had him" for Chaucer... - (LAUGHS)

- This was really fun. - Yeah.

- See you later. - Yeah.

I like being a teacher.

Harold Lerner. How was your trip?

It was nice. Thank you.

We could have had somebody meet you at the airport.

I'm sure one of our nerdier English majors would have been happy to do that.

Oh, no, no, that's fine.

Although I have actually met some of the students,

and they're extremely generous with their time.

Oh, sure, yeah, they're friendly. Most of them are high.

US Marine Corps. I, uh... I like to follow the rules.

Well, Writers Guild of America. I feel exactly the same.

Ah, excellent.

Uh, let me grab something and I'll show you to your new digs.

Yeah, yeah.

Good use of their parents' tuition money.

Well, here's your new home away from home.

- Uh, that's lovely. Yeah, thank you. - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, there's a little faculty get-together at 5:00 tonight in the Susquehanna Lounge.

Give you a chance to meet the rest of the department.

Good. Great.

- All right. Give me a call if you need anything. - Yep, yep, yep.

Thank you. Oh, Dr Lerner, you forgot your box.

Oh, I'm sorry, no. That's yours.

That's the 30-page screenplays submitted by all the students

who wanna take your course.

About 70 of them.

And you teach day after tomorrow,

so we're going to need your selections right away.

You only have to pick 10.

We would have let you know sooner,

but we didn't know you were taking the job until a couple days ago.

OK.

- Happy reading. - Yeah.

Mr Michaels! Mr Michaels!

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I'm glad I caught you before the faculty reception.

I'm Holly Carpenter.

Uh... Hello. Hello. And what do you teach, Holly?

What, teach? No, I don't teach. I learn. I'm a sophomore.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, you are? That's great. That's good. It's wonderful going back to school at your...

- Height? - Yes, exactly.

I thought that's what you meant.

It was, it was. We're very simpatico.

Uh, Holly, listen, I'm a little late for this thing.

Am I going the right way to the Susquehanna Lounge?

Uh, yes, it's straight ahead.

OK, great. Thank you.

I'm actually a psych major.

- And, um... - Uh-huh.

We have a lit requirement,

and I've written short stories and I've written poems. I love writing.

I have an idea for a screenplay,

I know the class submission deadline was yesterday...

But I stayed up last night and wrote this and I hope that you would still consider me.

Uh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I've got to tell you, I love Paradise Misplaced.

I still watch it with my girls.

Oh, your girls? Are you a lesbian?