Hacks

Kaia.

I'm gonna stand.

I will not stand, or you're gonna have

to move this show to the dark web.

OK, players. Show your cards.

Boom!

Oh! Full house!

- Oh, my-- - Kaia wins again.

This is not how I wanted this to go

or how any of you will have wanted this to go.

OK, Seth has to take another item of clothing off.

But before you're out of this game completely,

is there anything you want to promote?

Well, as you can see, I'm promoting

that my boxer shorts are from Kirkland

and that my circumcision is from Rabbi Bregman, so...

and he didn't do a great job, if I'm being honest.

Stop stalling. Take your shirt off.

Mm, I vote boxers off.

- Ooh! - "This is the End," Seth.

Time to show us that "American Pickle,"

your "Sausage Party."

Every movie I've done is a dick joke.

I'm about to be the first white male comedian

to expose himself to a bunch of women, but someone

had to break that barrier. - Oh, yeah.

- Whoo! - Ready?

I'm not getting canceled today.

Never. You're never gonna get me.

Do this all night.

So I hear congratulations are in order.

Something very exciting happened to you.

Yes, I saw Jeremy Piven texting and driving.

No, I'm talking about something else.

You became a grandmother!

Oh, that's right.

That happened, too.

Would you like to see a picture?

Yes.

I kind of see a resemblance, don't you think?

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Here he is.

Aw!

That little peanut is my grandson, AJ, Aidan, Jr.

So what do you want your grandson to call you?

Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought,

and I finally arrived on... Aunt Deborah.

All right, well,

this one goes out to little AJ.

Welcome to Earth, little dude,

from your Aunt Deborah and Aunt Dance Mom.

Oh.

Yeah.

I got a Mr. Heauxmeaux on line one.

Ms. Cece. Put her through.

Hi, Cece. How are you?

Hi, Jimmy. Strictly a work call.

We don't have to acknowledge we matched on Hinge.

OK, will not.

Just wanted to share some big news.

Old Navy wants Dance Mom to be a brand ambassador.

Are you serious? That's huge.

She's been such a hit on the show that they're also

committing to a major ad buy-in for the show

through the end of the year. - Ah, that's amazing.

Deborah's gonna be thrilled, although I know

she doesn't like the color navy

and she hates the word "old," but still.

You'll need to hammer out the details for her fee.

But knowing their past deals, I think it'll be

a big payday for you guys.

Shit, Jimmy.

Sorry, I have to go put out a fire over at "Chicago Fire."

Well, if you ever want to get dinner--

What sucks is, I think I got sick

from the thermometer itself.

Was it a butt one?

Oh, my God!

Oh, the ratings! We're in third.

We're not last. - We're not last?

We're not last.

- Fuck, yeah! - Oh!

I mean, this can only help with talent bookings, right?

Definitely.

I'm gonna circle back with Ariana's people.

Oh, great. Great.

In more good news, the studio wants

Ethan Sommers to come on to promote "Shadow Soldier."

Seriously? Isn't he a serial pervert?

Alleged serial pervert.

Oh. OK.

Well, um, is there anyone else?

You know, we should have a stand-up on the show.

You could really change someone's life.

At this point, our priority really should be inviting

guests with built-in audiences 'cause that helps build us up.

Let's just concentrate on our musical guests for now.

Perfect.

I saw that Gucci Mane is in town,

if anyone wants to come with me or has an in.

I don't know, I just think it's fat shaming.

And I think that's fat-joke shaming.

- Let's just do the alt. - OK.

Oh, what are you wearing to the Christening?

Oh, probably a bulletproof vest and a hard hat.

The church has been after me ever since I told that joke

on "Comic Relief VI." - Oh, yeah.

My whole set was about how being an altar boy

seems like a great way to meet older men.

Yeah, they're not gonna like that.

Yeah, well, I can't believe DJ's

raising my grandson Catholic.

They stalk me. They dox me.

Mark Wahlberg still sends me a rosary

every year-- as a threat!

God.

There you two are!

Oh, Stacey.

Stacey, thank God you're here.

We've been looking for you everywhere.

We were stuck. - We were lost.

Neither of you two thought to move the chair

that's wedged in the door?

- Whoa, that is weird. - Yeah, we didn't see that.

That'll do it. - This is a real fire hazard.

I'm gonna have to report this to Buildings and Safety.

- That's terrible. - So much paperwork.

Fiddle!

How did she find us?

And background and action.

What is it, Lassie?

Mama's arm got caught in the loom?

Oh, no!

And cut!

She was good. That girl's good.

It's dark, this thing, though. - Hey, here you go.

Oh, what's this?

Um, that is a coconut and La Roche-Posay.

OK. Uh, thank you.

Yeah, Ms. Schaefer says skin cancer runs in her family

and it's my job to keep her alive.

So, since you're covering for her,

I thought you might like them.

Is that young enough for you? - What are you talking about?

Ms. Schaefer gets upset when the coconut isn't young enough,

so we just try to keep her happy.

Because if she's not happy,

does she go into any sort of mode?

- Half-gorilla mode, yeah. - Yeah, got it.

I'm good. Thank you so much. - OK.

Hey!

Why aren't we filming? We're losing daylight.

Kayla, where have you been?

I've been covering for you all morning.

Some people are doctors. Have fun!

Also, I was gonna say thank you,

but you're too busy complaining,

sucking down my coconut, using all my La Roche-Posay.

Yeah, speaking of which, you can't be demanding

stuff like this just because you're a producer.

All these PAs are afraid of you.

I asked one if they'd seen you.

He looked like he was gonna pee his pants.

Who cares? Show him where the bathroom is.

Call it a day. - OK.

Well, that doesn't answer my question.

Where have you been?

I was basically babysitting Dance Mom.

She went out partying again?

This woman is celebrating way too hard.

I mean, she almost had to get her stomach pumped.

But that mama really knows how to boot and rally.

Oh, my God.

I took her phone, deleted her posts,

got some Taco Bell in her system,

cheesy bean burrito.

Now she's back home sleeping like she's dead.

But she's not dead, right?

I mean, she was snoring like a foghorn out of both ends.

Had to get out of there. - Oh, my God.

Dance Mom cannot be acting like this.

She's a brand ambassador now, and we're responsible for her.

This is-- Ow!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

- Bad Lassie! - Lassie just bit me!

Medic! Medic!

Fuck, I cannot believe this is happening again.

What do you mean, again?

Please don't be mad at me, OK?

But, yeah, you're the third person she's bitten on set.

What? That's a liability issue, Kayla.

Yeah, I know. It's really bad.

She's, like, crazy super violent.

But we only have four days left to shoot,

so we can't put her down yet.

Ow. Ooh, ow.

God, she really got you!

By the way, her owners are anti-vax.

Yeah, you're gonna need a lot of shots.

Here you go.