My Sassy Girl

This is the story of the first and last time...

I ever fell in love.

Let me start with a little background...

so that you can understand exactly what I've been through here.

- - It's a boy!

My name is Charles Bellow, but you can call me Charlie.

I was born in French Lick, Indiana...

which sounds like it could be a kind of a cool, scandalous place to be from...

but... it's not.

Uh, there's nothing French, and, trust me, nothing is licked.

My parents, Roger and Kitty, are the nicest people you'd ever wanna meet.

And I'm not just using an expression there.

If you met people any nicer than this, it would just upset you.

- Give the nice lady your seat. - Okay.

I was taught to emulate that niceness...

- and to reasonably expect it from other people. - You can have my seat, ma'am.

- Now, that second part there-- - Thank you, dear. That's very sweet.

That's where you can get into a little trouble.

When I was accepted at Vanderwiel University...

- it was the fulfillment of a dream my parents had had since-- -

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Well, since the very beginning.

- - All right.

A Bellow was going to college.

A Bellow was majoring in business, so that a Bellow could then go on...

to become a middle manager in a fine American corporation.

Maybe even the Tiller King Company...

whose tractors my father repaired for a living.

I shared their dream. I promised them that I would not let them down...

that the Bellow family boulder was about to get...

a serious shove up the evolutionary hill.

Hi.

- Hi! - They were counting on me.

Lord, how they were counting.

Hi.

Hi.

Everything was on track my undergraduate years...

and I was lucky enough to get into business school.

And then I got word that my cousin Bart had passed away... suddenly.

Death, man.

Death sucks.

I'm glad you were a philosophy major there, Leo.

Sorry. The death unit was back in freshman year.

Meantime, we should probably just try to cheer ourselves up...

by sticking to happier subjects.

Like sex. Wanna play the game, huh?

Sure.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes!

Yes! Yes.

Okay, okay, okay. Let's play this way--

Are there any women here who you would not sleep with?

Probably.

- Fair enough. - Charlie.

I'm a young male at or near my sexual peak.

Don't hate me for following my evolutionary blueprints.

- Oh, I do not. I just, uh-- - Hell yes!

I think it's-- I think it's suspect that you could know in a second...

whether or not you would sleep with a woman.

For me-- For me, those decisions take a little thought.

That's why you've only slept with three women in four years.

- What are you, taking notes? - Yes.

Damn you. I just have other priorities right now, you know? I mean--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Careful, Charlie.

If the death of your cousin teaches us anything...

it's that we must live.

Live, Charlie. Live!

- Live, you say? Yes. - Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Yes! - In your dreams, pervert!

- I mean, you might like it. It might even be good for you. - It might.

I mean, do you seriously claim...

there is no woman within your field of vision at this moment...

with whom you would sleep, no questions asked?

- Excuse me, but you should be! - Okay. I'm sorry.

- I'm outta here. - Okay. Just go.

Wow, you open big.

- Yeah. So long. - Of course, she's hammered.

Or not particularly coordinated, but... very hot.

Good call, Charlie. Definite yes!

I'm not even saying that I would sleep with her.

Well, you're staring at her pretty good.

I would talk to her. Uh, I would, uh--

You "would, uh--"

Get to know her. Uh--

Okay.

You know what? You live your way, I'll live mine.

- Fine. - Fine.

Go begin to get to know her then.

Not today. I got to pay a condolence call to my aunt.

Let her pinch my cheek and tell me how much I look like my cousin.

Oh! Besides, she actually has a girl she wants me to meet.

You see, Charlie?

Everyone you know-- even your bereaved aunt--

Is telling you the same thing.

- Live. Yes! - Live, yes! Thank you.

Yes, I'm free, and I'm loving it!

Yes! Freedom is good.

Train, where are you?

Whoo-whee!

Choo-choo!

Oh!

Hey! Hey!

Get off me!

Once in your life, if you are very lucky...

- you will meet the person who divides it... -

Into the time before you met her...

and the time after.

But she was, you know, obviously big trouble...

and I would've just left it at that except--

Hey. Hey!

Give the gentleman your seat.

Huh!

Give me a break, all right?

You're welcome.

You're welcome!

Darling--

Purse.

Purse!

Okay, not--

Not touching you inappropriately.

I'm holding your waist very specifically according--

Yes! Don't want a lawsuit. Okay.

Oh! Hey. Yeah. Hi. Fifth and 11th.

- Is she dead? - What? No. She-- No!

- She's-- She's not, uh-- She's okay. - Okay.

It's my, uh-- My sister.

She's... good.

Very heavy girl-- Not fat! Just muscular.

I would assume. But dense.

As in not stupid. I mean heavy.

[Man, Woman Speaking German, Moaning]

- Hey! -

Behind you, Einstein. Open-- Open the window.

- What are you doing on the fire escape? - Just open the window, man!

That's the girl from before! You drugged her? Are you crazy?

- No! - Did anyone see you?

Just the lobby guard and the rickshaw guy.

This is what happens to the repressed ones. One day, they just snap.

- Why did you bring her here? - She was passed out in the subway.

I said talk to her, not knock her unconscious.

- Just-- - Here. Head first. Head first.

- Okay. - Watch her head.

-Just give me a sec. - Come on!

Okay, okay.

- Oh, Leo. - Okay, she likes me.

Oh. She smells like tequila.

- Let's keep her alive. -

Okay.

This is a very limp girl.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh! We're in trouble.

Purse.

So you brought her home?

I couldn't very well leave her on a subway bench. Right?

Which makes this, technically, kidnapping.

Eventually, she will wake up.

She will take the walk of shame out of here, and that will be that.

So, did you talk to her?

- Not really. - What's she like? Is she nice?

I'm not sure, but I don't think so.

- - Shh.

Security! Open the door!

We weren't even in real jail.

- We're in university jail. This is so humiliating. - I know.

Hey, Bellow! Oh, I'm gonna be watching you.

You're on my radar.

Okay, um-- I understand. And, uh, I--

I thank for you for following due process on this.

- No, Charlie. - I respect what you're doing. Thank you.

- Watch it, Bellow! -

- Hello? - Who are you?

- Uh, who are you? - Who are you?

- Who are you? - I'm the girl you abducted this afternoon.

Oh! Um, how did you get this number?

Oh, Security was only too happy.

I have all your information.

Then why are you asking me who I am?

I'm not asking who you are. I'm asking who do you think you are?

You know what, I don't have time for--

Meet me at the Spike Gallery, Sixth and Fourth.

- Um, no. - Why not?

Because the Tiller King representative is coming to campus this week.

Yeah. Be there at 7:13.

Definitely not nice.

Charles Bellow.

Charlie.

Hmm. I'll take a red.

- Ah. - Red for the lady. And for you, sir?

Um, I-- I think the-- I think the white--

So red, yeah.

- Okay then. - So what happened?

- Well, you, uh-- - I can't hear you.

You were completely drunk. You almost fell in the subway tracks.

I pulled you back at the last instant. You called me "darling."

Then you passed out. I assumed responsibility.

I carried you back to my place, and somebody called Security on us--

On me. On-- For you!

- I called you "darling"? - Yeah.

- I called you "darling"? - Yeah.