Hacks

Excuse me.

I'm about to have a really tense lunch.

Would you mind clearing the knives?

I just don't want any potential weapons at the table.

I know that's nuts, but...

Oh, there she is.

Hello, hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

Great to see you.

You look great. Is that a new updo?

Same as yesterday.

Well, it looks super fresh.

I like it.

What's going on?

I did invite someone else,

and I don't want you to be perturbed.

Well, now I am perturbed. Who is it?

Well, it's kind of an intervention.

Oh, God, is it Cybill Shepherd?

It was just one tooth.

It blends right in with her veneers.

No.

Hi. Sorry, I couldn't find a spot.

I had to park illegally at the Museum of Tolerance.

But if they have me towed,

that is the height of hypocrisy.

What's going on?

OK, I know this is gonna be awkward,

hard, sad, and weird,

but I figured we gotta just do it.

We gotta squash the beef.

Let's start with a rose and a thorn.

I'll go first.

My rose is, I've finally chosen a color for my guest bedroom.

It's Farrow & Ball Hague Blue. You might know it.

And my thorn is that you can get ringworm from a dog bite,

and I got it.

- Ava? - Rose and thorn.

That'd be good for a desk bit, right?

Oh, yeah.

We could call it an upper and a downer.

Maybe Pfizer would sponsor us.

So funny.

I'm gonna tell the writers about it, get 'em started.

Do you want to split the potatoes?

They look really good.

Is that your way of trying to get me

to say yes so you can eat all of them?

- Yep. - OK.

I'm sorry. Wait a minute.

Did you guys make up?

Oh, yeah.

We made up a while ago.

Did... did we not tell you?

No.

- Well, sorry. - Sorry. Our bad.

So I guess we didn't tell you about the beach.

- Oh, my God. - The beach?

No, what happened at the beach?

- The ocean... Never mind. - It's like...

- It's a long story. - Yeah, no, it's completely...

- OK. - Don't worry about it.

We're good, though. Yeah, we're... we're good.

Are we splitting? What's the vibe?

You know what? This is good.

This is good. This is good.

You guys are back together, right?

- We should celebrate. - You could pay for lunch.

Well, I always pay for lunch.

That's true.

I'd take a little walking-around money if you got the cash on you.

Where's my knife?

Oh, that's weird. Everyone else has knives.

Um, excuse me. Can we get some knives, please?

We don't have any knives. What the heck?

What's going on? Trying to have lunch.

Vite, vite, please. Thank you.

Service today is junk.

I tell you what. You know what?

We shouldn't have eaten here.

# I thought you knew #

# I thought you knew #

# Hearts made of stone #

[OTIS WILLIAMS AND THE CHARMS' "HEARTS OF STONE"]

Mom, I'm seeing you landed a while ago.

Where are you? Please call me back.

Ava!

Ava!

Ava!

- Mom! Shh! - There you are!

I have been looking for you everywhere!

Mom, I've been calling you!

Oh, shoot.

Oh, I forgot to take my phone off airplane mode.

Ava, this is amazing!

I mean, you basically live in the Cheesecake Factory!

Just stop screaming. I'm coming down to get you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Can you bring me down a penny for the fountain?

Honey, I want to make a wish!

Ava!

Hey, are you eating enough soup?

I'm... I'm not eating any soup.

Ugh, soup is so beneficial.

Speaking of, uh,

there's something I want to talk with you about.

OK, is it quick? 'Cause I gotta go.

It is.

I'm worried that you're not gonna have children.

Wow, I'd love to hear your version of a long conversation.

You're getting older, and I'm worried

that having kids isn't even on your radar.

It's not on my radar. I'm 28.

That's the same age I was when I had you.

OK, I'm sorry.

I cannot deal with this right now.

- I'm gonna be late for work. - Yeah, exactly.

You're so focused on this demanding new job of yours.

I worry you're gonna get so busy,

you're just... you're gonna forget.

I'm gonna forget to have a kid?

Honey, are you still waiting to meet

Leonardo DiCaprio to have a child?

Because I was reading some of your old diaries,

and I think that there's something to that.

I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.

- That's insane. - Look, it's not insane.

You move in the same Hollywood circles.

- It could happen. - What's your point?

Honey, I want to give you a baby.

What?

I've set aside $10,000 to freeze your eggs,

and I will also cover the cost

of storing every single one of them.

You don't have that kind of money.

Oh, but I do, because I had a windfall

from the Vibamins class action suit.

I thought you were being sued.

Right, yes, I was, but I was also a plaintiff.

My upline is longer than my downline,

to the tune of $22,000!

And the first thing I thought was, oh, my God,

I can get Ava pregnant.

OK, I don't have time for this.

I'm gonna be so late for work.

Tell you what... I'll think about it.

- OK? - OK.

- OK, great. - You'll think about it.

The show starts at 5:00,

so I'll send a car here for you at 4:00.

Are you leaving me?

Oh, my God, what am I supposed to do all day?

I live in a mall. Go shopping.

You have $22,000, apparently.

The whole point of me coming here

is to spend time with you.

All right, you can come to work with me.

- Yay! - But you need to be my shadow.

OK? Don't speak unless spoken to.

And when you do speak, one-word answers only.

- You got it? - Oh, my God.

You're being so Grandma right now.

All right, are you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm waiting on you.

Wait, I just need to switch all my stuff

from my airport purse to my vacation purse.

I also need to call Aunt Lanie to tell her I landed.

I need to drink a glass of water and pee.

OK.

Hello.

Hello. I have a thought about

how to get Ava and Deborah to be friends again.

Have you ever seen a movie called "Black Snake Moan"?

Very sweaty movie, yes.

But we don't have to chain anyone to a radiator,

- because they made up. - Lunch worked?

Ah, I love when lunch works.

Well, they actually made up before.

Before? Like when?

Like, a week or two or maybe more.

It doesn't matter. What matters is,

they're in harmony and I can stop having

murder-suicide dreams about them.

I'm sorry, wait.

You have been so stressed about them fighting,

and neither of them decided to tell you

that things were back to normal?

I mean, that's really fucked up.

Did you tell them that it's really fucked up?

Did you stand up for yourself?

No, they're so busy. It's fine.

And you were the last to know.

This is like the time you found out

your parents were getting divorced

from "Soap Opera Digest."

They were gonna tell me on their own time.

That was my fault.

I convinced my nanny to go to Gelson's before school

so I could get cheddar cheese for my lunch.

And I just saw it in the checkout aisle.