Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie

There are stories, epic and grand stories,

that are forever lost in the sands of time,

forgotten or changed by cruel kings

who can hear only the whispers of these lost legends.

Right there, Scottie. Take her down.

Still, other tales become too frightening

for future generations to impart to their young.

But other stories are lost to us

because they don't test well with recruited audiences

or because a movie is too long and the story must be cut for time.

This is one of those tales.

This is the chaff from the wheat,

the skim from the milk...

the pudding from the all—you-can—eat lobster buffet,

and the surgeon guy from Prince and the Revolution.

This is The Lost Movie, Wake Up, Ron Burgundy.

Don't worry, San Diego, Daddy's here.

- Hey, Ron Burgundy! You're the best! - Looking good, San Diego.

I just met Ron Burgundy, and he gave me a cup!

Hey, Ron Burgundy! You should do story about me.

You're a riot, Nikos.

Hey, Ron. Bottoms up!

Well, hello, booze.

Peace, brother. I'm where you're at.

Hey, I like that fanny.

Oh, Mr. Burgundy. I'm Sue, I'm in the book.

Ron Burgundy was at the peak of his power as an anchorman.

I got you, Old Glory.

Walking tall and sharing a desk

with his beloved Veronica Corningstone.

Wait a minute, who's that handsome devil?

The city of San Diego now had a king and a queen,

and they ruled with a mighty and sometimes sexy hand.

Veronica, however, had recently been nominated

for a National Excellence in Broadcasting Award

and was out of town.

For one night only, it was just Ron and the boys.

Champ, did you get lucky last night?

No. Last night...

Oh, I stayed home for a while, drank about six bottles of white wine,

pissed my pants, so I drove down to Mexico

and shot some stray dogs.

You know, pretty much standard Tuesday night.

Hey, you guys, what is that word?

- "Because". - Bee-cose...

- Because. Because. - Is that even a word?

Alrighty, news team, whose drink needs a freshening up? Anyone?

Helen, I'll have a Beefeater and tonic, hold the tonic.

Ron!

I know. I know I'm bad. I've been a bad boy.

I know, it's silly. All right, gang, it's almost six.

Let's do what we're paid to do.

Unique New York.

Unique New York.

A tarantula enjoys a fine chewing gum.

Chewing gum.

Snoopy was stabbed by a spear.

The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.

The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet. The arsonist. The arsonist.

Cue it.

Ready, Phil.

We're on in five, four...

It's Channel 4 News at 6:00.

Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy, and this is what's happening

in your world tonight. An international coalition of countries

has banded together to investigate and solve

the mystery of the Bigfoot once and for all.

The conference held in Munich included some of the top scientists

- from the United States... - Ron Burgundy. Oh, boy.

If I were only 30 years younger...

By that, I mean I'd blow him.

With some interesting new and shocking statistics

out of Washington, here's Brian Fantana

with a report you won't want to miss.

Tonight, I conclude my five-part series

on the evils of breast-feeding.

So remember, let's leave those ho-hos to us big kids, moms.

Well, it looks like it's gonna be another great weekend.

Here to tell us about it is Brick Tamland with weather. Brick?

Now, it got all the way up to 97 degrees

in some of the outlying areas today, and that, my friend,

is really, really hot. And I always make the same plea

every year at this time.

If you've got pets and you're going to leave them in the car

in this kind of heat, make sure they have a lot of chew toys,

and roll up the window, so that heat doesn't get into the car.

Lots going on in the world of sports.

Champ Kind is gonna let us know what's going down.

Big night for the Padres finishing up a three-game series with the Dodgers.

They lost the game 4—2.

Here's the pitch, a curveball, what happens? I'll tell you what happens.

And... whammy!

Dave Winfield takes Burt Hooten deep.

Box seven, let's ready three.

Here at Channel 4 News, I'm Champ Kind. Back to you, Ron.

There was a special addition today at the San Diego Zoo

as Linda the giraffe gave birth to a 42-pound baby boy.

Officials at the zoo say the baby giraffe will be named Freedom.

Looks like the Clippers might have themselves a new center.

Man, that's hilarious.

For all of us here at News Center 4,

I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego.

All clear.

Ron Burgundy scores.

You're my boy.

Hey, Ron, Deacon Charlie,

the weather man over at Channel 2 News, is having a pool party.

Every anchor in town is gonna be there.

Well, I think it's time to show the fine gals of this city

what a number-one rated news team looks like.

News team!

And with Veronica gone and another broadcast done,

it was time to do one thing: socialize... hard.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that.

- Hey, Ron, know what Chlamydia is? - No, but it sounds like fun.

- Hey, Ron. - Garth. How's the divorce?

Not good. My kids don't remember me...

I don't have time. You done with that? I think you are now.

Well, hello, Pete. You look good. So do you.

Konnichiwa.

- Cannonball! - Hey, everyone!

Orgy!

Sorry, I misread the vibe. Just go back to what you were doing.

Everybody get down!

This is a robbery! We are The Alarm Clock!

Ring, ring, ring.

- It all begins today! - Heroes get blasted!

Shoot, I'm havin' a good time! This is a party! Come on!

It's a revolutionary sure shot. We're taking it all back.

Y'all better wake up, 'cause The Alarm Clock's ringin'.

Ding-a-ling-a-ding-ding-dong!

You've got a real reason to be afraid!

Hurry up!

We are liberating this money so that the truth can be set free,

and the people of this city can wake up! Dig it!

We are The Alarm Clock!

Oh, that was one crazy party. I feel awful.

I had about 70 beers. I mean, literally.

I ate a whole bunch of fiberglass insulation.

It wasn't cotton candy like that guy said.

My stomach's itchy.

I woke up this morning, and I shit a squirrel.

The hell of it is, the thing was still alive.

So now I got this shit-covered squirrel

down there in my office, don't know what to name it.

You should name him Shawn.

All right, guys, let's focus up.

Morning, everyone. Here are the stories we're gonna be chasing today.

The radical protest group called The Alarm Clock

robbed their third bank this morning.

Let's keep on top of this story. If it gets any bigger,

the network could need coverage.

Veronica had gone straight from the airport to the newsroom...

- Hello. - And Ron's heart nearly leapt

out of his chest when he saw his sweet, sweet lady.

Oh, Ron, you are a big deal.

Take me. Take me right now on this conference table.

It's jazz. It's jazz, baby!

- Ron, control yourself! - Not with the lights on!

Let's make a baby!

This feels sexy!

I am engorged!

- He's like an unleashed animal, run! - Put it back in!

No, no, he didn't mean that! Take it out!

But even in the midst of this supposed bliss,

trouble can step forward and say,

"Hey! Don't forget about me."

- Look at this. - Yeah.

Must be 20 Gs here, plenty of money to start the revolution.

We got enough bread to arm the people, feed the people,

get people riotous in the streets.

Know what we should do with this money?

I think we should buy a big bag of grass.

What about the revolution?

Our mission is clearly stated in the manifesto.

- Where the hell is that manifesto, man? - I am writing the manifesto.

I'm beginning to start to think you just here for the...

You wanna know what our cause is?

Yeah, we wanna know.

The group was at a crucial juncture.

For months, Paul had put off writing the manifesto

by smoking skunk—weed and jacking banks.

But now it was time to state the message

or lose his hold on this band of dropouts and outsiders.

The TV! That's right!

The TV!

This... this propaganda box,

if we don't control this propaganda box...

the man will always control our minds

and the minds of the people.

Just look at some of the lies they're telling.

Oh, hello.

I'm beloved anchor Ron Burgundy.

You know, lately I'm hearing all this talk about kids

smoking pot, or marijuana, reefer.

Hey, what's the deal with that?

What happened to just getting high on good old clean life?

Maybe enjoying life looking at a rainbow,

or sitting underneath a waterfall, enjoying a big glass of Scotch,

or enjoying a pack of cigarettes on a hot summer day.