Me, Myself and Mum (Les Garçons et Guillaume, à Table !)

Curtain-up in 5 minutes.

On stage, please.

- Break a leg. - I will.

ME MYSELF AND MUM

Mum?

- Yes, what? - I have a little headache.

Me too.

I bumped into my very first sweetheart. Remember Anna?

Oh yeah... How is he?

Just fine, I think.

What now?

I love when you speak Spanish. You're pretty when you...

You're always pretty, but even prettier in Spanish.

Even prettier than Dad's secretaries.

I'd like to speak Spanish too.

Can I do a language study holiday in Spain?

Sure. Dad's taking the boys to the Grand Canyon.

I doubt you'd like that. So why not Spain?

- Really? - Yes.

They've gone sailing in Australia, horse-riding in Kenya...

Dad and the boys are athletic, not you. What do you expect?

You hate horses and get seasick.

Don't blame Dad. You're not athletic.

Don't worry... I'll find you something in Spain.

Something really nice.

Something really nice...

She went all out to find it.

I end up in the ugliest city in Spain.

La Linea de la Concepción.

Projects outside of Gibraltar.

Like Le Havre, but uglier.

Yes, it's possible.

Simple, but tasteful.

You're very lucky.

The unica familia in the city that doesn't take la droga.

Take what?

La droga.

Well, that's...

How do you say "That's great" in Spanish?

Good.

There I meet Paqui.

Not one word of French.

"Casa" and "blanca", that's all.

I brought her a Julio Iglesias album.

But in French.

In short, in 3 weeks is la feria.

Learn the Sevillana or you'll be bored stiff.

She'll teach you how to dance it.

8 hours a day for 3 weeks.

Even at the beach with her friends.

When the feria began,

I danced almost as well as Paqui.

Along with my entire Spanish family,

we went to hear the best Sevillana group

in the whole feria.

There I am, amid those Andalusian dresses,

dancing the Sevillana.

That girl seems to want to laugh.

Everyone around us, too.

It's rare to see

a Frenchman dance the Sevillana so well!

But why do they laugh so much at the third pass?

When I lift my knee,

they all went....

Anyway, they had me dancing all night,

so impressed were they.

Paqui, come dance with me!

He's being a pain and my legs are killing me.

Please!

Go ask Pilar.

- For me? - Yes!

Thanks.

Will you dance with me, please?

I'm sorry.

I dance the Sevillana with boys, not girls.

What do you mean?

You dance like a girl.

Don't move your hands like this.

Never. It's for girls.

Because...

I was copying Paqui. She said take an apple,

eat it, toss it...

It's only for girls.

In the third pass, when you lift your knee,

girls do it to lift their dresses.

You have no dress.

Now I understand why they were all laughing...

Tell me something, Pilar...

Do I really dance like a girl? Honestly...

do I really look like a girl?

Thank you, Pilar.

You can't imagine how happy Mum will be!

- Boys and Guillaume, lunch! - Coming.

Mum says it's lunchtime.

Shut up!

She said, "The boys and Guillaume, lunch!"

She said it's lunchtime.

Hurry up or you'll get a spanking.

You'll get the spanking!

Not me.

Mum and I love each other more than anyone.

Isn't our love the biggest?

Sit down, you three. I'm sick and tired of this!

My mother is reserved.

She doesn't gush.

My mother's amazing.

I don't think my mother has any flaws.

Except being in bad mood since...

...ever since I was born.

Is her bad mood because of me?

When she answers the phone,

she always sounds annoyed, like this.

Since she does nothing all day, by sounding annoyed,

people think she's busy.

As if she does something.

Pretty smart, isn't it?

Constantly oscillating

between extreme heat...

and bitter cold.

With no transition from one to the other.

For example, the other day

she was sitting down, saying "Finally no lunch guests!"

Sick and tired of having company.

No sooner did she say it, than the cook came

to announce that Lucien's parents,

my brother's classmate's...

They're in the kitchen.

What the hell for?

Monsieur asked them to lunch.

Shit.

Pain in the ass...

Show them in. Don't leave them there!

Never a moment's rest.

All the livelong day...

How are you doing?

Lovely to see you. It's been ages.

Please... have a seat...

Something to drink?

Something to drink?

Something to drink?

- Perrier. - Decaf.

Say it! 3 hours for decaf and Perrier!

Spare us. Get a decaf and a Perrier.

Tell everyone it's lunchtime.

It's so hot, my dears. Unbearable.

Say it!

Three hours for decaf and a Perrier.

Spare us...

I imitate her really well.

Her gestures, intonations. It's great.

I'm so good at it,

I can call the cook and she thinks it's my mother.

- Hello, Maria. -Yes, ma'am.

What are they eating today?

Liver, like every Thursday.

Make them sole instead.

The boys love it and Guillaume needs fish.

Yes, madam...

Thank you, Maria.

Even my grandmother falls for it.

I'll make more.

With all this tea

my bladder is filled to the rim.

We've discussed everything and nothing. Mostly nothing.

So how are you?

I have a little headache.

And how are the boys?

Fine.

And Guillaume?

I have a little headache.

You said so. Take an aspirin.

But how is Guillaume?

Besides my head, I'm fine.

What do you mean?

It's you, honey?

Yes it's me, Babou.

- Mum's not here? - Bathroom.

Bathroom...

Washing her hands.

Bathroom...

She's washing her hands.

Know why you mixed us up? We look alike.

And you know why?

Listen to me, sweetie.

Never complain, never lie to yourself.

Don't ever disavow.

Or make false claims.

And never justify yourself.

- Is that clear? - Very.

It's not what I meant.

If I'm like Mum...

Later, later...

Think over what I just told you, my angel.

Well, my dears... it was Niagara Falls.

Everyone falls for it.

The only one who never falls for it...

is Dad.

He doesn't want me to be a girl.

Not at all.

I feel bad for Mum.