Overboard

Dock five. The Immaculata?

Over there.

I cannot, I repeat...

cannot sit in this cesspool by the sea with nothing to do.

So while you repair your silly boat engines, I will do some remodeling.

I've already sent for a carpenter.

Well, do whatever, dittums. I'm shooting skeet.

Hello?

Mr. Stayton?

Anybody home? Hello?

State your purpose.

- Nice-looking Weatherby you got there. - It's a very expensive gun.

I have lots and lots of them.

- Somebody call for a carpenter? - That's my wife's department.

Excuse me. Could you tell me where your wife might be?

You're the carpenter?

Yeah. Dean Proffitt.

You're late.

- References? - Well, no, not really.

I just moved up to this area and--

Well, hey, I've been doin' this kind of shit-- work for years.

This is-- This is just beautiful. What a--

- Try not to touch anything. - Oh, I won't.

Andrew will keep an eye on you.

Maybe you'd like to take fingerprints before I get started.

I was just kidding.

Don't walk so close to me.

Where's your problem?

- My closet. - Uh-huh.

In here.

Now you can see how inadequate this all is.

I need new shoe racks for my shoes.

Excuse me. I was told that this was some kind of an emergency.

It is.

And I need drawers for my lingerie.

I can't keep entering these boxes all the time.

Hello?

Hey, I'm sorry. I understand now.

You want me to remodel your closet.

Isn't that what I've been explaining in some detail?

Is English your second language?

What is that odor?

Gee, I guess-- I don't smell anything.

Madam.

Well! I almost had to wait.

I got an idea for a shoe rack right in here maybe, huh?

What is this gelatinous muck?

Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples...

must I specify that you are to pack good caviar...

and not this $1.99 fish bait?

Yes, madam.

Caviar should be round and hard and of adequate size.

And it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.

Yes, madam.

- Carpenter? - Yeah?

You have exactly 48 hours. I suggest you get started.

- Throw that out. - Yes, madam.

Watch him.

Oh, boy. She is really somethin'.

I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting.

I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction?

But, of course.

- Bid one million, 700 thousand. - Shit!

- Grant, I'm on the phone! - I can't hear you, Tea Rose!

I'm shooting skeet!

- Pull. - Firing!

Hello.

You know, forks were invented so man could...

at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.

So were thumbs.

- What did you say? - Nothin'. Just my stomach.

Well, try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.

And another Oregon good mornin' to ya.

Wilbur Budd here with some local items.

The Fraga Feed and Fertilizer folks are hiring...

people to shovel the stuff.

Women are welcome too.

There's no chauvinism in the manure business.

These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish.

I guess I'm supposed to walk around...

with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?

- Joanna, please. - It's easy for you to say.

You don't have to sit out here in the brine...

with your perm frizzing to oblivion.

I look like a bushman.

Why don't you go inside and get out of the sea air?

Because that Elk Snout mountain man is still working on my closet.

He's sweating all over the place.

I doubt if he's even housebroke.

I think they housebreak each other, don't they?

- What? - He's listening.

- Who? - That carpenter.

He's been hanging on every word we've been saying for the last two days.

It's your project, Joanna. You deal with it.

Come along, men.

- Captain says the engines are ready. - Let's get going.

I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?

No, I'm still tacky.

Keep your mouth shut for ten more minutes, collect the money and get out.

Well, are we amusing you?

- What is this? - I'm done. I'm finished.

- What do you think? - What is it?

It's a shoe rack with a twist. You ready?

You just turn the crank here. Those drop back.

These split and comes from behind. Gives you twice the space--

Stop boring me with your absurdities. What's it made of?

It's called wood. It's oak.

Oak? An oak closet?

- Why am I even amazed? - I don't know. Why are you amazed?

Because one would think that you would know that closets are made of cedar.

Otherwise, we get moths.

There's not a real big moth problem off the Pacific Coast.

But if you want one out of cedar, that's fine. I'll start all over.

I just have to tell you, that's going to more than double my estimate.

- What do you mean? - What I mean is...

I've already done this out of oak, so I'm gonna have to go--

- I'm not paying for your mistake. - I'm not gonna eat it on this deal.

Why not? You've eaten everything else in this place.

You will eat it, because I want it cedar!

You may have wanted cedar, but you didn't ask for cedar.

The entire civilized world knows that all closets are made of cedar.

Up here in Elk Snout, ma'am, we don't know about them closets nor bathrooms.

Shit, woman, you're lucky I am housebroke.

- You were listening. - It was kind of hard to avoid.

You can avoid it in the future, because you're fired.

You're unbelievable.

That's fine with me. Just pay me the money you owe me.

The job was not done to my satisfaction.

I got news for you, lady. No job will ever be done to your satisfaction.

That's quite enough! Now, just get out.

No problem! Just pay me the 600 bucks you owe me and I'm gone!

Captain Karl, start up the engine.

Oh, for cryin'-- You know what your problem is, huh?

You're so goddamned bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about.

You haven't got a single thing on this Earth to do except for your hair!

Your closet was fine.

You just needed something to take up your useless, empty...

nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!

- Don't touch me. - What?

Hey, lady, I may be hard up, but I am definitely not that hard up.

And I'm not goin' anywhere--

- Damn you! - Man overboard!

I'll get you for this, you--

Not my tool belt!

- You owe me 600 bucks! - Keep going!

As you wish.

If I ever get you, lady, you're dead meat! You got that?

Don't throw that!

I'm not bored. I'm quite happy.

Everyone wants to be me.

You come back here!

I lost all my tools.

I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part-time work, right?

I appreciate it. Billy, I need a steady job. What about that nighttime thing?

I'm working on it. Pretty soon we'll get that miniature golf course deal.

- We'll be in business. - If I can hang on that long.

He called you a what?

Joanna, why are you so upset?

Why do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?

I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.

Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days.

Inga. You don't shove the food down Shitake's throat.

You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?

Grant mentioned having a baby again.

What should I do?

Darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.

True.

Well, I must go. Bye-bye, Mommy.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

I'm not a bitch.

Andrew, are you going to bring me my lemon...

or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

Hey, guys, I'm home!

Stay away, you wolves!

Bad dogs! Go away!

Buster! Jackson! Get back inside!

- Are you Mr. Proffitt? - Yeah.

You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did.

- What happened to you? - Monday is their first day of school.

I came here to welcome your family.

What do I get in return? I get toilet papered by your children.

- They were just playin' around. - Oh, just playing around?

They were about to douse the toilet paper with gasoline and strike--

Wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie, twins, right?

They're goin' through this arson period.

They don't know this, but I'm way ahead of them.

I got two fire extinguishers ready to go.

- I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name. - Adele Burbridge.

- Nice to meet you. - Principal of the Elk Cove School.

Your children are monsters!

You won't think that once you get to know them.

Where is Mrs. Proffitt when all of this is going on?

She died three years ago.

Your children are totally lacking in parental supervision.

You don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.

Fine. You can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.

If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities.

I have had baby-sitters in here by the dozen.

I'm kind of low on cash right now.

I'm new in town, but if I get a chance, I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?