Chuck Steel: Night of the Trampires

Nobody tells Harold Brownlow he can't get what he wants.

Those City Hall assholes are a bunch of blowhards!

I don't understand why

we can't get a cab like normal people.

- - Hilary dear,

you don't get as rich as I am by giving money away to cab drivers.

Besides, our hotel is just at the other end of this alley.

You're such a cheapskate.

Come on, woman.

Whoa!

Watch your step!

Harold, I don't like this place.

- It smells bad. -

Jesus, it's a 100 yards.

Hold your nose or something.

- - Harold?

Huh?

Boy! You're a big son of a bitch, ain't ya?

Hilary. Call a cab.

Harold!

- -

Hoy-hoy!

Eat this!

Hi-ya!

Son of a bitch!

- -

Stay down!

Automated defense protocol initiated.

Yeah!

Ya!

Burn in hell, ninjas!

No!

Damn you, Akumu!

Damn you!

Okay. Let's do this.

I am here with Governor Atkins

outside Pompadour's International circus

as it prepares for a midnight performance tomorrow night,

in aid of the city's homeless

and organized by the Governor himself.

Good morning, Governor, and thank you for joining us.

My pleasure Dolly, as always.

Governor, what do you say to your critics

who say this humanitarian gesture of yours

is simply a smokescreen designed to mask

some of your more puritanical policies?

The tabloids can call me a puritan if they so wish.

- Ah-ha! -

But it's just a reactionary insult

due to my zero tolerance stance

on anti-social behavior. -

I'm referring to the abuse of alcohol in our society.

- - Someone has to put their head

above the parapet, Dolly.

Which is why under my tenure as Governor,

I will be seeking to restrict the opening times of bars

and nightclubs together with limits on the sale of alcohol.

If that makes me a Puritan, then so be it.

Remember, only together,

can we make this world a better place.

I'm ready when you are.

Fuckin' clowns.

All of 'em.

Hey!

You been shooting the appliances again?

- Give us a kiss! - Must be the roaches.

They've started packing heat.

Any damage and I'm adding it to your rent!

Which is now overdue, by the way.

You'll get your money, Gussman.

Now get out of my face.

You Goddamn pervert!

Give us a kiss!

Hey, hero.

Spare some change for an old vet?

You again?

Here's a quarter.

Buy yourself some pants and Binaca spray.

This man bothering you, sir?

Ha!

Who's asking?

Name's Koslowski, sir.

Captain Schitt sent me to meet you.

I'm your new partner.

Oh, Jesus.

Do you have any words of wisdom for a rookie like me, sir?

Sure. Work hard. Eat your greens.

And never stick your dick in a mangle.

Wait! What?

Yeah!

Jesus H. Christ on a hippity-hop.

What the hell is going on in this city?

That's the twelfth disappearance in as many weeks.

At least this time we have a witness, sir.

If she ever comes round.

Shit! Not again!

Goddamn it! Where the hell is Steel!?

Um, I think he's breaking in that

new partner you sent him, sir.

Hmm. I wonder how that's working out?

Probably quite badly.

Son of a bitch!

Can I just say it's a real honor to work with you, sir.

Okay, let's get one thing straight, kid.

I don't like you.

- -

Who the fuck is this guy?

And before you start,

it's not because you're a rookie or any of that crap.

The fact is I don't much like anybody.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that this tough exterior

is just my way of...

breaking in a new partner

and that after a while, the bickering

and mutual dislike of each other

will turn into admiration,

and who knows, maybe even respect.

Well, I got news for you, Butthorn.

That ain't gonna happen, you hear me?

Sweet baby Jesus!

I'm a maverick, renegade,

loose cannon... - Look out!

...lone wolf cop on the edge.

Who doesn't play by the rules

and I work alone!

- Got it? - Uh-huh.

Oh, and it's probably a good idea

to get your affairs in order. - Huh!

Say goodbye to loved ones and so forth.

My partners don't exactly have a long shelf life

if you know what I mean.

Oh!

Don't do drugs.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Anyway, enjoy the ride!

Yeah!