The Dukes

COUSlN BRUClE: Hi, everybody! This is your cousin Brucie!

Yeah.

And now, cousins, live from the Brooklyn Paramount,

it's my pleasure to present what you've all been waiting for,

the number-one group in America. . .

The Dukes!

In 1963, we were on top of the world.

Times change.

* Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum *

* Bum-bum, bum-bum *

* Ooh-wah, ooh-wah, cool, cool kitty *

* Tell us about the boy from New York City *

* Oh, yeah *

* Ooh-wah, ooh-wah, come on, kitty *

* Tell us about the boy from New York City *

* He's kind of tall *

You think this is just one guy?

Zorro?

Who knows? We made the whole thing up.

Oh. So you -- y-you never got robbed.

No, we just said we did.

l don't get it.

Why would you do something like that?

Why do you think?

They did it to bring in some business. . . ldiot.

Just look for the story, all right? Zorro.

"Food bandit strikes again," that kind of thing.

* Yeah, yeah *

l don't understand. lt was supposed to run today.

* You ought to come and see *

lt's not here.

lt's got to be. Look in the restaurant reviews.

Maybe they put it in there.

lt's not gonna be in the restaurant reviews.

That's to review! This is news!

You know, it's about a restaurant.

Logically, it'll be in the "restaurant" section.

Logically. . . Only to your spider's brain.

There is no "restaurant" section, George.

Well, you know what? Then it's not there.

That's what l just said.

He's absolutely right. lt's not here.

Wait, wait, listen to this. This is interesting.

"Food chemist.

Leading supermarket chain seeks chemist

with background in food technology.

ln additional to beautiful surroundings. . ."

Murph.

Uh, "We offer competitive salary. . ."

Murph.

"And, uh --"

Murph!

-What? -Your paper's on fire.

l was just trying to help.

Murph, we're not looking for jobs. We're looking for money.

l thought we were looking for the story.

We were till you lit his paper on fire.

l knew it was you.

You believe him? lt wasn't me. lt wasn't.

You know, the smart thing would be to start our own.

Stop with that.

What? l think it's a good idea.

And how do we finance this good idea?

We get a loan. We ask Lou to get us a loan.

Lou. . . can't even get us a gig.

Oh, by the way, Lou is working on some things.

Yeah, right.

With our personalities, l think it'll work out.

No, l think he is. He got some things.

They don't want personalities. They want collateral.

What things?

l don't know. l wasn't paying attention.

But l heard him say he's working on some things.

Yeah, well, the oven and the equipment is collateral.

They already own that.

They want outside collateral, something you already got.

Well, wait a minute, you buy a car, right?

You know, it's collateral, then you repossess it.

That's because a car is easy to sell.

Not too many people drive ovens, George.

l think you're very negative.

l'm not being negative. l'm realistic.

All right, do me a favor. Don't turn around.

l think she likes my smile.

-She's right up your alley. -Oh, yeah.

l'd like to wake up with that.

l like if they turn into a pizza, like, about 2:00 in the morning.

Can't argue with that. Pizza's always good.

How much do you need to open a restaurant?

-80 grand all-in, baby. -That's 20 grand each.

lf any one of us had 20 grand,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

-l have 20. -That's thousand, Murph.

l know what it is. l have 20,000.

Where did you get 20 grand?

l sold my stock options. They paid me yesterday.

Great. You can be the first money in.

That's the hardest money to come by.

Can't. l need it for the lawyer.

How much is he charging?

$1 5,000 retainer.

You're throwing the money away.

lt's a scam. You're not gonna get your job back.

l wasn't smoking! That test was false!

lf you walk into the room

and everybody, let's say, is smoking grass, you breathe.

That's it -- boom, you're positive.

Did the plane crash, or did the plane crash?

The plane didn't crash!

lt skidded off the runway on takeoff.

Yeah, when the wheel came off because it wasn't on right.

l'm not working on wheels!

l'm a troubleshooter for the electrical system!

And l'm the best!

The vice president of the airline

gave me this ohmmeter key chain for my birthday last year!

You know how many guys we take care of those planes you fly in?

They put all their money in security now.

Today, nobody cares about maintenance anymore.

Yeah, well, they got the big guns, Murph. You'll lose.

Well, excuse me, boys, but it's, uh. . . .

lt's pizza time.

lsn't she too small for you?

Excuse me, boys.

l think she just ran over my foot.

We better get to the emergency.

Yeah? Call Lou.

Check, please!

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, whee *

You remember when Bobby Vinton

did that promotion for Time Life Records?

You got us a deal promoting Time Life Records?

Better -- they're gonna use a song of The Dukes

to promote this thing called, uh, Dance Heads.

-Dance Heads? -Yeah.

They're gonna put you on TV, 30-second spots.

l feel like an ice cream. You guys want ice cream?

What the hell is wrong with you?

When are you gonna learn -- when they take off your leg?

How's a guy like me supposed to not have ice cream?

lt's no joke, Armond. Your foot's in jeopardy.

Okay? You got to be strong.

As long as l shoot my insulin, l'm good for a couple of scoops.

Tell that to your two missing toes.

They pay for everything -- production, air time,

and they're gonna take out an 800 number to order your song.

Lou, we only had a couple of hits, and they can download them free.

No, not -- not with a nice jacket and story about The Dukes.

They get that for nothing with the CD, and it only costs us 30 cents.

So we lose money.

No, this is the beauty of the thing.

We charge $4.95 shipping and handling,

it only costs us $1 .05 to ship.

Yeah?

$4.95 take away $1 .05.

Yeah?

-That's $3.95. -Right.

Minus 30 cents for the CD.

Yeah.

We keep, in our pocket, $3.60 -- that's per unit.

Wow. Huh.

Yeah.

All right.

And what do they get out of it?

We help them sell their Dance Heads. That's all they get.

What the hell is this Dance Heads?

lt's a video thing -- lip sync.

All you got to do is show up.

You have such a nice complexion.

You won't need much makeup.

That's unfortunate.

l was hoping that you, uh, could spend a little more time with me.

-Phil, how long? -About 1 0 minutes.

Good.

You know, Armond used to open for The Dukes.

-Funniest stand-up around. -Good.

He could do a short routine and then introduce them.

Uh, maybe next time, Lou.

You know, l don't want anything to detract from the promotion.

You never know, a little laughter may soften their pockets.

Not necessary.

People see this, the phones will be ringing off the hook.

We'll have laughs later, okay?

Lou.

Lou, l mean, do you really think

this is something we should be doing?

They got 8 million viewers on KCLA.

That's -- if we get 1 %, that's 288,000.

They think we can get as much as 1 5%.

That's 4,320,000 for us.

Okay.

Danny!

Danny, what time are we meeting tonight?

For what? What do you mean, "meeting"?

You know, skeet shooting. We're supposed to go skeet shooting.

What skeet shooting?

What are you talking about, skeet shooting?

Skeet shooting -- did you forget?

Oh, that's right.

l'm s-- you know, l'm sorry, George. l forgot.