Fleabag

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Here's to love!

To love!

Congratulations, you assholes!

I don't need you... to do anything, thank you.

I just had a little... What? What, darling?

..miscarriage.

Unless you can find a way to stop this horrendous wedding.

You come in showing off about your miscarriage,

like you didn't even want the one you had.

What was that?

It wasn't a fox, was it?

Hi! Oh!

- How do you two know each other? - Oh, we are partners.

I didn't want my husband's baby.

It's like a goldfish out the bowl sort of thing.

Oh, my God, Claire, I love your hair!

If it didn't want to be in there, it didn't want to be in there.

Something wasn't right.

Uh, I've changed my mind about the wedding.

I can't let them down like that.

I leave tomorrow, so...

I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you.

And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames,

but my life will be fucked.

What?

Mm.

What are you thinking?

I just...

Come on.

..I just... Come on.

..I just can't believe you did that.

I know.

So good to see you! We're over the moon.

Good to see you! Love the shirt. Who was that?

Is this the, um... Don't!

It'll come off.

Thank you.

What's happening with the priest?

Oh, hi. Oh!

Nothing.

Ooooh! So good of you to come and get me!

Get you? See me!

Hi, Jake. Where's Claire?

Just there.

Your dad's just down there.

Nice skirts.

Do you need me to say anything emotional about today?

No, no. I think we're all right, thanks. We're good.

Do you want tequila? I'm going to get one.

Hi. Hi! Nice to...

How was Klare?

Well, he's crazy about me.

So, that's a nightmare.

Nightmare. He's back to Finland today, anyway, which is good.

It's fine, it's totally fine. Sounds like it's fine. It is.

It's going to be a lovely day, isn't it?

I'm afraid so.

This is my very interesting friend Daniel, who's deaf.

I picked him up at a student gallery opening.

Utterly fascinating.

Can't hear a thing,

but is a fabulous physical communicator through hands and lips.

Oh, I love that!

And this is my extraordinary friend Francine, she's a lesbian.

And this is Asif, my bisexual, Syrian refugee friend,

who you haven't actually met yet, darling.

And, Asif, this is, um...

..oh, my God.

This is... this is...

..God, how extraordinary. I just, I always call you darling.

This is the love of my life!

Hi.

Is there somewhere I can put this?

We said no presents! Oh, you're such a sweetheart.

She's a natural rule breaker.

Not today!

Ah, well I've been trying to get rid of it for ages.

Oh!

Thank you.

I'm going to open it over a bin,

so I've got somewhere to put the paper.

Um, come with me!

Uh, are you short on staff or where, do you need me, or...?

No, I just wondered if you had a little show planned?

What? Well, you normally do.

And I wondered if there was anything

I might need to know about, that might happen later?

No.

Good.

Well, let me know if you change your mind.

Because today is the most important day of my life

and I love your father very much.

And I imagine you'd rather have me looking after him in the years to

come than having to do it yourself.

So... no more miscarriages.

It's worth a lot.

So...

Thank you.

I'll go and put her straight back on her shelf.

Do you know, I often thought it strange that of all my pieces

you chose to take her.

Why?

She was based on your mother.

So nice to have her back in the house.

Oh! OH, FUCK! Oh, God. Fuck, you're here. Oh, Jesus.

I thought you were a fox.

You're not.

No, are you? I didn't know you were...

No, no, I'm fine, sorry.

No, I just didn't want to, I'm practising the homily.

How's it going? Not good, not good. I can't, I can't...

You look lovely.

Thank you. So do you.

Wait till you see me in the full shebang, you're going to lose

your fucking mind.

We just need to get through this bit and then we can...

..we can... Yeah.

Better get changed.

Yeah, good luck.

Oh, my God.

What?

You have lipstick all over... Oh, fucking hell.

That would not look good, has it gone?

Where?

Oh, fucking hell.

I don't know, I don't know...

..oh, I don't know what this feeling is.

Is it God or is it me?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Fuck you, then.

Where's your priest?

I don't know.

You OK?

Yes, well, um...

I hate my husband and the man I love is on his way to Finland,

so pretty weird.

Oh! Way to upstage the bride!

Tried my best.

Cute dress.

Oh, look. Woooo!

This is our very chic priest.

Oh, good, I was aiming for chic!

It's particularly good around the, uh...

Thank you.

Father, you remember Martin.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Bit nervous, Martin.

And you know Jake.

Yes, hello, Jake. How are you?

And this is my very interesting friend Lucy, who is a surrogate.

Hello.

Weird. And this is my unstable step-daughter,

who's had a miscarriage.

Nice to see you again.

But you knew that, you were there.

It was my miscarriage.

What?

It was my fucking miscarriage.

Yes, I thought you'd find that funny.

How interesting.

She was just covering for me.

We were pregnant?

For a few weeks, yes.

It was my baby? Sorry, so you haven't had a miscarriage?

No, sorry.

Wait, what the fuck is going on here?!

It was, it was my baby?

I guess it was your baby's way of saying

it didn't want you as it's father.

Like a goldfish out of the bowl sort of thing.

Ohh!

Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage, could you take it to the kitchen, please?

No! Don't follow me, Jake.

Oh, and this is over.

You're leaving me.

No, no, no. Yes!

Are you drunk?

Yes. Are you sober?

A bit. Could you just fuck off?

Oh, absolutely not! OK, no, no. I'm staying right here.

I want you to leave me.

Listen to me, I just, I have...

I think he has a little speech.

..I have a little speech that's building here.

Now, I know you look at me and you see a bad man with a big beard.

You are an alcoholic and you tried it on with my sister.

Fine.

I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday.

MY birthday!

Fine! I mix up birthdays and I have an alcohol problem,

just like everyone else in this fucking country.

But I am here and I do things.

I pick up Jake up from shit, I make dessert for Easter,

I organise the downstairs toilet, I fired the humming cleaner.

You enjoyed that.

I hoover the car.

I put up all your certificates

and I don't make you feel guilty for not having sex with me.