Life's Too Short

My name is Warwick Davis.

I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.

I'm an actor. You will have seen me in the Harry Potter films,

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,

Return of the Jedi.

Yup-yup!

That's Wicket the Ewok, my first ever character.

I'm still very good friends with George Lucas,

who created the Star Wars films,

though if I've got one criticism of George, he missed a trick.

Why did he disguise my face?

If you're paying good money for the actor Warwick Davis,

then let the people see the actor Warwick Davis.

George realised the error of his ways

because he went on to cast me in Willow there.

That film cost, I think it's 40 million,

and has... has made a lot of that back, since.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Dwarves For Hire. Warwick Davis speaking.

'I am not only an actor.'

Yep. Just get a booking form.

'I'm also an agent.'

I represent other dwarves.

You know, I've had huge success,

and this is my chance to pay that forward and help them get work.

The director's furious. He wants to fire you.

Not my fault I don't know the song. You're a dwarf, how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?

Something about whistling? Whistle While You Work? Never heard it.

How is this possible? I don't know.

That's one of my clients there.

So if you need anybody, I've got all sorts.

Got that sort of look.

That one. One that looks like that.

Someone who looks like that,

you know, with a hat on. Some with long hair.

All sorts of different ones.

I mean, they're all about that high,

but they've sort of got different...

fat, thin, you know, whatever you want,

I can provide.

Why am I doing this documentary?

Because normally you see a dwarf on TV,

and he's dancing around, making a fool of himself.

I want people to see a sophisticated dwarf about town

who carries himself with dignity.

I'm a role model.

I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.

Because I too have a dream

that one day dwarves will be treated equally,

and they will walk proud, hand in hand with the rest of mankind.

You say, "No, Warwick, it's not the same.

The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly from his homeland

and enslaved and whipped and forced to change his name."

No, maybe not.

But then, I've never seen a black man fired from a cannon...

every day for a whole season and twice on Saturdays.

There we go. Come in.

The old homestead.

Yeah.

Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!

Who's this handsome devil?

Nice suit there.

That's me and my wife Sue on our wedding day.

Sue's looking lovely there.

The dress she's wearing belonged to her mother.

Her mother had sadly passed over,

so it was our way of having her at the wedding, which was nice.

Sue had to lose a lot of weight to get it on.

Not as much as I'd have liked,

but enough to squeeze into her dead mum's dress.

This is my kitchen. Cooker, sink, usual.

I was going to get all this lowered

but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.

Here we are, look, this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!

Good boy, ho-ho!

Oh, bit camera-shy.

Oh, here she is.

Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis, the old ball and chain.

Hiya. Hello. You all right?

I'm fine, thank you. Nice to see you.

What are you doing here, Warwick? I just popped round to say hi.

You know you're not supposed to be here. You moved out.

We're separated. No, not really. Oh, we are. Temporarily.

You can't keep running that round.

You were the one that walked out. No, not really. Yes, you did.

I didn't walk out. I was back and forth to Hollywood so much,

it wasn't fair on you. You weren't back and forth to Hollywood.

Yes. No, you weren't. The phone hasn't rung for years.

But if it started ringing,

if George Lucas rang and said we're doing another Star Wars

I had to be ready to go, on a plane, whoosh, here I come!

If that had happened, I could have come with you.

No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid, doesn't throw his money around.

"Why do you need two tickets? You're only three foot six!"

Tell you what happened. Oh, what?

He thought... Here we go, what did I think. Mystic Meg here!

What he thought was... Yeah, yeah. He thought he could do better.

He thought he could trade me in for a taller, more beautiful model,

but he couldn't. No, I could, I didn't want to. No, you couldn't.

I could! Just didn't want to, cos I'm, you know, faithful.

Now he's back with his tail between his legs. It's too late.

Doesn't have to be. It's over.

I've moved on. You haven't bloody moved on. You're still in a house that I own,

so I might as well move back in.

Know what you need to do, Warwick?

Get your stuff and move out, because we're separated.

We are getting divorced.

I don't know what part of that you don't understand.

All right, calm down. Showing off.

So.

'I know you're thinking. "Warwick, why did you marry beneath yourself?" '

Why would a film star marry her

when he could have leggy blondes or Page Three girls?

Didn't want to.

If I'm walking down the street with a stunner on my arm,

everyone's going, "Oh, he's got the sexy bird cos he's a film star."

Right? So I went for a chick who... hasn't got it all out on show.

Yeah, she's not going to be in FHM magazine,

she's not going to win any Rear of the Year awards

or turn heads at an awards do, or a showbiz party,

or in the supermarket, but she's reliable.

She won't run to the papers,

"Know what Warwick likes sexually? He likes..."

It doesn't matter what Warwick likes sexually,

whatever it is, she won't write about it in her memoirs.

Not that anyone'd ask her for her memoirs,

cos she's a nobody, as I said before.

Can't reach!

Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sir, excuse me.

Could you press that top buzzer, please?

It's the top one there.

This one? Yep.

BUZZER RINGS

Thanks.

'Hello?'

It's Warwick.

'Hello?'

It's Warwick.

'There's no-one there.'

Can't hear me!

Excuse me.

Could you say into that intercom, "It's Warwick Davis."

Why? Because it is.

No, it's not. No, you're not, I am. I just...

Then why am I saying it?

Cos when they answer they can't hear me. Why can't you shout it?

Can't stand in the street shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."

Why not? I'm a famous actor, I've been in films.

I never heard of you. Haven't you? No.

If I heard someone shout, "It's Warwick Davis!"

I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"

I am. Yeah, I know that now.

All right, let me tell you this.

If I start shouting, "It's Warwick Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.

Right. There'll be people wanting autographs, so let's... Bruv,

I'll get real. Let me break it down for you.

No-one knows you.

If you were to say your name was like, Verne Troyer,

I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me, Austin Powers, sex tape."

That guy's big in the game, you know. Oh, yeah.

You've done none of those things.

I've never seen you bruv. What films you been in?

Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?

Who was you in that? I was an Ewok.

Those little bears? They're not bears. Bruv, they're little bears.

Right. Have you seen Willow? No.

Look, just press the buzzer, please.

Thank you.

Top one there.

BUZZER RINGS

'Hello?'

Yo. Warren Davis.

Warwick Davis. Warwick Davis.

'Oh... OK... come up.'

Is that Ricky Gervais?

Oh, you recognise him?

That's got issues. You're welcome, bruv.

Chief!

Here we are.

Look at that.

Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant. Hmm.

We're all mates, aren't we? Always popping round for a chat.

You are always popping round, yeah.

I thought we made the buzzer high enough, but...

I got a passer-by to press it. Passer-by? Damn!

We didn't think of everything. Hmm.

Yeah, always nice to see you.

Yeah, it is, it's... it's good.

What do you need, cos we're a bit conscious of... Oh, I don't know,

just... just a chat really.

Oh! OK. You know, I was...

'You've got to be resilient in this business.

'When the phone won't stop ringing you can be choosy,

'but when it's not ringing,

'then... it's at times like this'

when you find out who your friends are, and you call in a few favours.

'I'm good friends with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. When you're friends

'with writers, directors, producers,

'then what's wrong with saying, "All right, chaps, what's going on?'

"Have you got any work for me?"