Life's Too Short

What's the problem?

When I signed up, my heroes were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...

At least you're working.

I know. It's not exactly what I dreamed of.

Oh, here we go!

CHEERING

Strike!

'My name is Warwick Davis.' Hello, Dwarves For Hire.

'I'm an entrepreneur.'

You're stealing the best roles for yourself. 'I'm an actor.'

What part of the character's this? Just keep going.

'Soon to be divorced.' Got your special shampoo? Yes.

'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'

It's you that didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.

Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.

I was trying on costumes once with actor Mark Hamill.

He was stripped down to his underwear,

and I was quite literally taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants.

For a slight man, there really was a monster down there.

I was mightily impressed, and he was flaccid.

So there you have it, finally Warwick Davis has gone cyber.

The site's been live for 48 hours now. How many hits, Cheryl?

12.

12. For God's sakes! See, that annoys me.

Me, proper film star making proper films, 12 hits.

"Do you want to visit my website?" "No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then."

you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Probably get some clown who's a plumber in Chepstow.

There he is. And I don't think you want to go there.

Well, it turns out you do, actually, he's had more hits than me.

1,800 people need a plumber in Chepstow? Fuck off!

What do you need?

Well, I won't keep you guys. Go on.

Well, I was thinking, what'd be great for my website

would be a quote from you, Ricky, endorsing me as an actor. OK.

Think that's a good idea? Yeah, definitely.

The problem is, I'll start straightaway,

um, I can't think of anything. You could think of something.

Just a couple of sentences singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there

and think, "Wow, this dude must be good if..." Really good idea.

Yeah, yeah? What, to me to put my name to, to his... Yeah, yeah... career?

Um, well, we're a bit snowed under, to be honest, but I...

Can you just e-mail me something later? Oh... Yeah.

Great. Cheers. Thanks.

The Society Of People Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.

We're a group that really campaigns for the rights of little people.

Currently, the chairman is a man called Anthony Braden.

I am vice chairman.

I should probably be chairman, really,

but I suppose it means more to Anthony, so good luck to him.

Prejudice doesn't need to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance.

It can be being patronised or it can just simply be...

'I feel it's important to use whatever charisma

'and star power that I've been blessed with to help others.'

It's an honour.

It's also a duty.

If you can send in your bits of news and any interesting articles

we'll try and get them published.

So I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting. Thanks.

What's... What's all that? What's...

Oh, I've just got to do a quick interview for BBC News about the society,

What, they're interviewing you? Yeah.

Hiya.

So you're from the BBC.

Er, yeah.

British Broadcasting Corporation.

And, er, and you're interviewing Anthony?

That's right.

Seems a bit odd. You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him.

What film star?

Me, Warwick Davis. Return Of The Jedi, etc.

Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.

We were told Anthony's the chairman of the society. Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.

Bit worried, actually. Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know.

It's just one camera.

Can I have a word? Yeah, of course.

Bloody film crew just clocked me, right,

and they want me to do the interview.

You all right if we do it together?

Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.

Hiya. Just spoke to Anthony over there.

Our worst fears have come true. He's nervous.

He wants me to do the interview with him.

Er, fine, whatever. Cool.

You got a dressing room I can chill out in?

Just need to get my head together, you know.

No, we're ready to go now. Cool, mm.

Got any slap?

Slap? Make-up.

No.

It's all right, got me own.

Pop another chair out.

You all right?

Bit shiny... Do you want some powder?

No, I'm fine.

Sweaty.

Happy?

Yeah, I'm happy. You happy? Yeah.

Great, let's rock 'n' roll. OK, then.

Take one.

So, what are you campaigning for?

Well, um, homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

Anthony's mentioned racism, and I see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America.

Of the two of us, I suppose I'm more like Martin Luther King,

just cos I've got the profile and the charisma and a way with words,

but, you know, that's not to say Anthony's not got an important role to play.

He's more your run of the mill coloured chap in the '50s, you know.

Yes, I'm taking all the glory and going down in history,

but then he's not getting shot in the head.

So, swings and roundabouts.

So, what is to be done?

It's about awareness.

A lot of people don't even realise that the word midget is considered offensive.

Oh, yeah, can I take this? Um, what we're talking about is equality, right?

Martin Luther King once said,

"I have a dream that one day a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK?

Swap the word black for dwarf, and you've got my situation.

Not literally. I don't mean I want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl,

you know, or any little girl.

And if I did, um, totally above board, got the parents' permission and everything,

and it's not like I'm going to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand

and off down the woods, you know, Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?"

"Went off down the woods with a creepy little dwarf."

What I'm saying is that dwarves and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals.

The Society Of People Of Short Stature wanted to...

Yeah, no, this is really good, this sort of exposure for the society,

and that's kind of what I can bring it, you know, with my profile, you know.

Programmes like this'll be interested to see what it's like.

Oh, here we are, here's Anthony, the shiny sod!

Go on, get on with it!

Homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

So, what is to be done?

Basically, like other minority groups,

we feel we should be able to expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace.

Most of the jobs in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified.

Why can't a little person be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles?

Height should simply not be an issue.

It should simply come down to, "Can they act?"

Anthony Braden from the Society Of People Of Short Stature...

That's... that's ridiculous.

They've just cut me out. That's... that's embarrassing.

For them.

I feel like phoning up the head of the BBC and going, "All right?

"It's Warwick Davis here." "All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood."

"No, no, took the day off." "What have you been doing, chilling out?

"No, spent the day helping one of your producers do a news report."

"That'll get the ratings in." "No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?"

"Yeah, they just left in some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about.

"Tell that producer I'll never work for him again."

"Oh, don't worry, Warwick, he'll never work again."

Yeah, I'm not going to do that, though.

I don't want to get the little prat fired.

Hello. What's all this? We want to talk to you.

Ah, have you made an appointment cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I?

Mm, no, you haven't.

Are you sure? Just check again.

No, definitely not. You've got nothing. Nothing's going on.

Phone hasn't rung for weeks.

Thanks for your help.

Seems like I can squeeze you in.

We saw Anthony on the news last night. He made some interesting points.

I made some as well, but they cut me out. We're worried there's a conflict of interest.

When the phone rings, we don't know if you're representing us or taking the best roles. He's not.

The phone never rings. Yes, it does.

And I always talk you guys up, but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis,"

I can't go, "Oh, no you don't want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I?

I assume you're not putting that on a press release. Definitely not. Not putting out press releases.

Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise us? I've got the website.

Yeah, but that's a website for you. There should be a Dwarves For Hire website,

with our CVs on there and our show reels. Who's paying for this?

You! We want to show people we can play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play.

Like Anthony said on the news, height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?"

'The truth is they can't act.'

There's a reason they're bowling balls or being fired from cannons,

it's cos that's all they're good at.

'Look at Bernard, he's useless.

'I don't know what else he could do in life.

'He certainly can't act.

'I told him, "You want to volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."'

They pump you full of drugs and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen?

Even if he ends up deformed or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs,

he'd be no worse off than he is now, and he'd have money!

'They come to me because I'm sort of their guardian angel.

'I care for them, I protect them, I nurture them.

'If they want to be taken seriously, then it's my duty to help.'

I'll make them a show reel.

I just hope they can keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money,

and I don't mind giving them false hope, but not at my expense.

Action.

My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,

Emperor of the armies and legions, servants of the, er...

Don't look at me. Just keep...

Servants of the Emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

Yeah. Blink.

I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Er, er, oh!

This isn't showing you acting, you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say.

This is bloody horrible.