My Girl

I was born jaundiced.

Once I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught hemorrhoids.

I've learned to live with a chicken bone lodged in my throat for three years.

So I knew dad would be devastated when he learned my latest affliction.

Dad, I don't want to upset you...

but my left breast is developing significantly faster than my right.

It can only mean one thing: Cancer.

I'm dying.

Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.

Who's in? Raise your hand.

Are you coming or not, Thomas J.?

- I don't think so. - I knew he wouldn't.

I have to go home.

To play with his dolls.

Leave him alone.

Come on. Let's go.

You didn't pay me.

How do I know you'll show us one?

You're a baby.

All right. Here.

Follow me and don't say a word.

You ready?

You sure you want to see it? Or are you yellow?

I'm not chicken.

Lean forward.

It's empty.

- You're so weird. - I want my money back.

- I was afraid of this. - Of what?

Sometimes when we get them...

they're not completely dead.

Like when they cut a chicken's head off...

and they still run around.

You're full of shit.

I bet she's roaming around this house somewhere.

There she is in the rocking chair.

Hi, Gramoo.

Vada, would you bring down my cigarettes?

See you later.

- Did you know he was my wood shop teacher? - You took wood shop?

I made a tie rack.

- The fluid's mixed? - Yes.

Put them on the stool.

Guess what? I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly.

The rack holds six ties.

I still have mine.

- Arthur! - Vada!

- I beat Thomas J. in Monopoly. - Good for you.

Once you put hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, you're a shoo-in.

- I like to buy railroads. - We're trying to work.

Cruella De Vil stole all the puppies.

She was going to make fur out of them.

Hand me the cannula.

There he was just-a walkin' down the street

Singin' "doo-wah diddy-diddy dum-diddy-doo"

Poppin' his fingers and a-shufflin'...

- Vada! - Dad?

I'm embalming my high school teacher. Don't sing.

All right, Arthur. Slide him to me a little bit.

Let's put him in a nice model C-501...

bronze stainless Eternal Journey.

He'll look like a champion.

Is Mr. Harry Sultenfuss in?

Sure. Come on in.

Have you had the unfortunate experience...

of recently losing a loved one?

Could I see your dad for a second?

Dad! Somebody's here!

He's downstairs working on Mr. Layton.

Prostate cancer. Once it hits your prostate, you're a goner.

How may I help you?

I'm Shelly DeVoto.

We spoke regarding the makeup artist job.

- Yes. - It's still available, I hope?

I think so.

I'm a licensed cosmetologist.

I worked for two years at the Dino Raphael Salon.

My customers cried when I said I was leaving.

I have a wonderful disposition. I put people at ease.

These people are already at ease.

This is not a beauty parlor. It's a funeral parlor.

- They're dead? - They are.

Stiffs?

Deceased.

The ad just said "makeup artist."

Excuse me a second, will you?

Sure.

Hi, George. This is a 1258.

I didn't want the burnished handles.

- Is that your camper? - Yes. It is.

That's really cool.

Hello.

She's shy.

Put it back in the display room.

Daddy, how come that coffin's so small?

They come in all sizes, just like shoes.

- Is it for a child? - Of course not.

Then who's it for?

Short people. Very short people.

Excuse me. What about the job?

Pardon?

I need the job.

You still want it? Even though...

Sure. It's no big deal.

You see, all my former clients...

will eventually die...

and all your clients used to be alive.

So they have something in common.

You'd do hair and makeup and answer the phone.

- You've got a deal. - You can start right away.

Call me Harry.

Is this what you'd normally...

wear for work?

Don't get me wrong. I like it.

- But... - I'll take good care of these people.

They deserve it. They're dead.

All they've got left is their looks.

Look at this. No feet.

Wow. A real Evel Knievel.

What are you doing in my garage?!

Get out of here!

Hi, Veda. What's wrong today?

I'm very sick.

Take a seat. I'll check if the doctor can see you.

Vada's here. She says she's sick.

She looks all right.

He'll see you.

Why don't you go in?

Well, what is it? I can handle it.

You're perfectly healthy.

That can't be. I have the classic symptoms.

Did they bring Mr. Layton to your house?

- Yes. - You've got to stop this.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I'll just have to get a second opinion.

What did he say is wrong with you?

The whole medical profession is a crock.

Wait up for me!

- Look! - At what?

That's Mr. Bixler. Let's go talk to him.

I don't want to talk to no teacher.

Mademoiselle Sultenfuss and the amazing Dr. J.

- How's your summer? - Okay.

Mr. Bixler, I finished all the books for summer reading.

Really? Already? The summer's just begun.

Yes. Now I'm reading "War and Peace" for fun.

No wonder you're my prize pupil.

- What about you, Thomas J.? - I haven't started.

Get on his case, Vada.

How come you're painting this house?

Well, I just bought it. Now I'm fixing it up.

This is one big house for one single person.

Well, you never can tell.

I might get a pet.

How are you going to pay for this house if you're not working?

I'm going to teach creative writing.

- I'm doing some work. - How much does it cost?

- Thirty-five dollars. - What do you get for that?

Me. Two hours a week talking about poetry.

Is this an interrogation, Vada?

No.

Well, I guess I'll go home and finish off "War and Peace."

It's summer. You're kids. Go play.

Want to go to Gray's Orchard and pick some peaches?

No. I'm going home.

Why? It's not dinner time yet.

You're like a dog. You just go home to eat.

Don't pee on the hydrant!

Bill

I love you so I always will

I look at you and see the passion

Eyes of May

Oh, but am I ever gonna see

My wedding day

Trooper Gwynn called. There was a big accident.

They're bringing in two tomorrow.

Excuse me. I finished Mr. Layton's hair.

He kind of looked...

- What's wrong with her? - She's pretending.

Get up and eat your broccoli.

I think it's my prostate.

Something like a" Sky Lounge? ''

How many removals...?

I got rhythm I got music

I got my man Who could ask for anything more

I got daisies

In green pastures

I had a body in my bedroom.

I got my man Who could ask for anything more

- Who's winning? - I am.

Look! Vada and her little boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

I bet she kisses him on the lips.

- You think I'd kiss that ugly thing? - Yeah, anyway.

Come on. Let's go.

Judy's father owns the Bijou theater.

We see all the movies we want for free.

- Maybe you can come sometime? - Don't invite her.

She'll bring her boyfriend.

Vada and Thomas

Sittin' in a tree