Crime Scene Cleaner (Der Tatortreiniger)

Anyway, the police said it's definitely not human blood.

You got any idea who did it?

Religious nuts.

Or anti-religious nuts.

Or political nuts.

Or some crazy individual nutcase.

Or somebody who simply wants to harm me.

Could've been my brother, Konrad.

Well, the walls will definitely have to be repainted.

And the floor... well, might have to be taken out.

The whole floor?

I'll see what I can do.

Hi there! Yeah, uh, it's me.

Listen, I just happened to pass by your place earlier--

Because I have work to do around here.

Yah...and I thought maybe we could get together again today.

For some coffee.

Yeah.

No, only if it's convenient, not right away.

Right, maybe you just... give me a quick call later or shoot me a short text.

Yup, alright, see you later maybe, bye!

Ah, right.

Help, a feral fish!

Bah, you don't like fish? - No! Don't want fish!

Oh yeah? But it's Friday, that means fish. - I don't want any fish, not even on Fridays!

Oh God. No! No!

What kind of store is this anyway?

Astrum is an agency that connects people with religion and spirituality.

Thanks.

We sell independent counseling and customer service for religious needs of any kind.

Ah, right.

Huh?

Our clients are either unhappy with their religion

and considering switching providers,

or people who, so far, have never really looked into the matter of faith

and suddenly notice that

they already have everything - except for spirituality;

and who now want to look into their options.

Oh, so basically "Looking for something religious, what's the breakdown?" - Exactly.

We set up the client's profile,

then we go through a matching process with appropriate providers.

We find seminars, try-out courses, spiritual events

and escort the client all the way up to a binding contract.

Baptism, vows, initiation rites - depending on what religion the client decides on.

And what's the use of an agency here?

I mean if you have some sort of problem with your faith,

just get out and believe in something else, something that seems more right.

Well, it's not quite that simple.

First of all, there's such a thing as life-long irredeemability in many religious contracts.

Right, I heard about that once, that if you're Muslim, you-- -Or Catholic.

Naah, huh? Can't you just simply leave the catholic faith?

Legally - yes, religiously - not so much. Once Catholic, always Catholic.

Didn't even know that. -Watch out for the fine print.

Secondly: Most people don't even know the ins and outs of their religion.

They just adopt their parents' faith and don't think about it too much.

Who has actually READ the whole bible?

Dunno. Jesus. Oh. No. Wait. -Exactly.

Who actually KNOWS the difference between Protestant and Catholic, or Catholic and Greek Orthodox?

And Methodist? And Baptist?

Mennonite, assyrian, Old Catholic, New Christian?

There are more than 40 different providers of Christianity in Germany alone.

Over 300 worldwide.

The entire religious market is enormous.

More than 6000 competing providers, big and small.

What, really, that many? -Yes.

But now, if you're really, actually into this stuff, right,

then you do find what you're looking for.

Let's assume...

Let's assume somebody really takes the time to look into their faith.

Christianity, for instance.

Sits down with their bible for three years, gets aquainted with what's actually in there, ends up closing their bible

and has come to the conclusion that they are no longer confident in any of it. And then what?

They definitely won't spend another three years brooding over the Quran or the Bhagavad Gita.

Bhaga...wha?

Much more likely they'll fall for the next best trap.

And that's where Astrum comes in. We find the right belief system for everyone.

One question:

Are you fucking with me?

I just can't imagine that one would-- I mean you just don't pick your religion like some new phone.

Shocking, isn't it? -Yeah, kinda. -I agree.

People look into every detail before buying a new phone.

But the question of God they just leave up to some vaguely intuitive gut feeling.

Well of course, I mean there's a difference between a god and a phone.

And one would assume that people know more about their god than their phone.

But stuff like God and religion ...

I mean if you're on a serious track with all that,

you don't go looking for it through some matchmaking agency.

I mean, if you can just have your faith set up for you using some profile

it's clearly not that serious.

How so?

A profile is an extremely professional method of capturing a client's needs.

What's wrong with that?

Nothin', I'm just wondering how God and stuff even fit into such a profile.

And whether something like that wouldn't have to be somehow bigger.

More like something that somehow comes from up there.

Like a hammer that suddenly hits you.

Just... well, bigger anyway.

People also visit matchmaking agencies and believe in true love at the same time.

And just because two people find each other through an agency,

their love's magic is not diminished by the fact that they professionalized the search.

2400 Euro, is this some kind of deluxe cloister?

On the contrary.

Meals are simple and the rooms are very modest.

But who pays this much money for something like that? -People who appreciate excellent service.

They are picked up on their dorrstep by our driver - in a air-conditioned Mercedes.

If there should be any unexpected issues during their stay,

they have a number where they can reach us around the clock.

And in case they want to come home early,

they are picked up within the hour.

You take people to a cloister in a limo

so they can practice poverty and abdication?

Exactly.

But isn't that kinda... -Professional?

Do you think you might have a very antiquated view of religious practice?

Do you believe that one has to suffer in order to achieve enlightenment and sprirituality?

No, I don't believe anything.

But if I did, right? It definitely wouldn't be that in order to find God you gotta pay 2400 Euros.

Well. Our service IS situated in the premium sector, not everyone can afford that, yes.

And everybody is free to buy a Bible or a Quran for 10 Euros

and accept offers directly from each provider.

But if you book through Astrum, you have our gurantee that you'll only be set up with the best.

Whether it's priest, shaman or rabbi.

And you can rest assured we won't talk or manipulate you into anything -

for we do not have a religious agenda.

Our customer satisfaction is at 99% - that does have its price.

And...

What's your bestseller?

The big market leaders remain

Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Bhuddism and Judaism.

Nature worship is also having a comeback, with a trend towards deistic plurality.

Colorful, blissful, sex-positive religions.

There's also a rising demand for a balance between male and female deities.

Old Celtic cults are at the very front of this trend.

Yeah and those Old Celtic cults, right? They've gotta be a hit with frustrated ladies in their 50s, huh?

Would you maybe like to take back that inappropriate remark?

Hmmmmmm ...

Nope.

Yealright, I'll take it back. -Good.

Now what's there to laugh about? - Unfortunately, you are right.

Ha!

Knew it!

You connect with this kinda stuff, too? -We connect with anything that's legal.

But we do point out to clients that Scientology strongly emphasizes on customer retention.

Nothing to worry about then, huh.

Astrum is a marketing agency.

The responsibility for how religious feelings are practiced remains with the client.

And you turn those religious feelings into money, huh?

I turn needs into money, every business does.

The question is: What does the client get for their money?

I don't make any wrong claims and I don't sell anything that is not wanted.

There's a demand. I have offers.

I'm at a loss as to how that is improper.

Nah, really, I'm sorry, but you're wasting your efforts here.

So you're an atheist. -Yeah no, I dunno, probably.

Although I'd be surprised if I was anything with some foreign word.

Personally I think: You live, you die, done.

Basically... yeah.

Donezo, worm fodder.

I just don't believe there's anything after death. -Why not? -Huh?

Why don't you believe that? -I just don't, like I just said.

You don't believe something, reason being that you don't.

Yeah, exactly.

But following the same principle you could also just say: I believe something because I do.

And wouldn't that be a much nicer perspective, that there's something after death?

Yeah sure, that'd be nicer, but I just don't believe it.

I can make you 6000 offers that are better than "donezo, worm fodder".

That's all fine and all, but religion isn't for believing what you would like best.

Bur rather... -What?

Well... what's correct. Or what's most likely to be correct.

Or what has a chance to maybe be correct.

And I happen to believe that most likely, there's nothing.

But you're not entirely sure. -Of course not.

But I'm just preparing myself for the prospect of nothing coming after.

And if something does then that's simply a pleasant surprise.

Right. Or there's an unpleasant surprise and you fry in hell. -Right.

And that's actually more likely.

Because really, pleasant surprises and unpleasant surprises should balance each other out.

But they don't. Unpleasant surprises are much more common. With everyone I know.

And what about the pleasant surprises, what about those? Where are they?

Nobody knows, but they're definitely extremely rare.

And the most likely case remains that there is no surprise at all,

neither pleasant nor unpleasant, just another disappointment.

Sounds a little frustrated.

I might have ...

Yeah I know, old Celtic cults, right? That have you dance naked around an oak at night?

And to top it all off, probably with a group of 50--

Not saying anything. But speaking of hell, yeah? That's my personal one.

Alright, so you're not frustrated? -Nah, I'm not frustrated, just disappointed.

Because that's the usual case, disappointment.

Look, you wish for something, right?

To be fair, you do get something, just not what you--

For example, as a kid, right? I wanted nothing more than a dog.

Would've done anything for a dog.

And there was this one time I thought I was getting one.

Christmas one year I was COMPLETELY sure.

Because my mother kept making these allusions like "Hohoho, it's a living thing".

And well, it was. A rabbit. Great.

I mean fine, it was an animal, with fur, with four legs, but no dog.

And that, that's par for the course.

Or, you wish