Lucky Stiff

Harry.

Don't stop.

Harder. Harder!

-I'm almost there. -Yes!

Here it comes.

Yes!

Shall I wrap them up, madam?

No, they make my feet look too big.

Hmm.

Harry? Sale?

No sale.

Ugh. You should improve your sales technique.

Get some practice with the ladies. Find a girl with a nice pair of feet.

-Mmm. -I might know someone. Do you want me to, you know?

No, thanks.

Well, better for me anyway if you've got no social life.

Who else would stay behind on a Friday night to do inventory every Friday night.

Who else?

Ah, yes, and that's why I love you.

Lock up. Have a nice weekend.

Wait! Not again.

Damn it!

Isn't that lovely?

Hungry little pig, aren't ya?

There you go, deary. Aw, there you are.

Good boy.

Who is it?

I don't want to let the dogs out.

Telegram for Mr. Harry Witherspoon.

Telegram?

I'll take it. I'm his landlady.

I'll see he gets it.

Who was that?

Here. Look here.

Thank you, Miss Thorsby.

Now, Mr. Hobbs?

Not yet, Miss Thorsby. I will buzz.

Yes, sir.

My condolences, Mr. Witherspoon.

Please. Be emotional if you so desire.

I'm terribly sorry that we have to meet in such terrible circumstances.

I never met my Uncle Anthony.

He's American.

Wouldn't know me from a hole in the wall.

And understandably so.

Nevertheless, you are his only living relative.

Your uncle has left you an inheritance.

An inheritance?

Apparently, casino managers do quite well in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

In U.S. dollars, Mr. Witherspoon, your uncle has left you...

Yes? Yes?

-Six. -Six?

Million.

But I must warn you that the terms of the will are highly unusual.

Therefore if you should choose not to accept the money,

it will revert immediately to your uncle's favorite charity,

The Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn.

Dog home?

Look, I'll do anything for that money.

No dog is gonna get its paws on it.

This is the release form.

In essence you are agreeing to fulfill the terms and conditions

of Anthony Hendon's last will and testament. To the letter.

-Do you agree? -I do.

Very good.

Sign here, here and here.

Now, Miss Thorsby!

Now!

And here we are.

Your uncle left some recorded instructions.

This is a small player.

On. Off.

Rewind.

On his lap is a small heart-shaped box,

which you must guard carefully,

until you receive further instructions.

This is a check which should cover your activities for the week.

That's all there is to it.

Bon voyage and good luck.

Wait a minute.

I don't understand.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Witherspoon.

This is your Uncle Anthony.

But I thought he died.

He did.

Oh, my God!

Dear nephew Harry, this is my last will and testament.

And I hope it finds you in better health than it does me.

I hope that you're not the squeamish type, especially when you hear the favor I want.

Favor?

In return for the money, I wanna go to Monte Carlo.

-What? -Yeah, Monte Carlo.

-I've got big plans. -But that's impossible.

You're probably thinking that's impossible. Am I right?

A taxidermist has fixed me up so that no one will notice a thing.

You just follow the instructions on the tape.

Take a dead man to the French Riviera?

If you don't wanna do it, the Universal Dog Home of Brooklyn will.

Six million dollars.

One more thing, kid.

Stay out of the spotlight.

Give me paper, pack of six.

-There you are. -What?

No! No! No!

Hey, lady, what are you, blind?

Legally, I am, yeah.

P-E-C-F-D.

Uh-huh. Very good.

Very good. All right, now.

Let's cover up the right eye.

- Third floor. Watch your step. -You too!

Move!

Doctor Di Ruzzio, your sister's here.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little... I'm so sorry.

If you would just excuse me for a moment.

Again, she cannot just barge in here every time she loses her glasses.

She has to make an appointment just like everybody...

I know. I know. I don't have an appointment, but I have to talk to you right now.

Rita, Rita, this is Mr. Loomis.

Mr. Loomis, this is my sister, Rita.

She's legally blind.

I hate glasses, don't you? Now, look, this is an emergency.

-Thank you. -I think the last one was a Z.

-This is serious. -Are you insane?

I'm in a little trouble and I didn't know where else to go.

Look at this article in today's paper.

"Rich shoe salesman kicks up heels, inherits six mil from casino manager." So?

Keep reading.

"'Monte Carlo, here I come,' says Harry Witherspoon, an unlikely heir to a fortune from an uncle he has never met.

Witherspoon, a British citizen, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."

What does this got to do with you?

-An affair? -An affair!

No!

What?

Tony's place?

Very dark!

Tony!

No!

No.

I said you lost it gambling. I was desperate.

It just came out of my mouth like spontaneously and now I think...

Nicky, uh, has a contract on your life.

Uh-huh.

Vinnie.

Vinnie! Come on, control yourself. What are you worried about?

We'll find him if we have to call every hotel.

I'll never forgive you, Rita. I swear to God I'll never forgive you!

Come on! Stop it!

If there's a God above, I...

Grow up!

Look on the bright side. I got caught embezzling,

I killed the only man I ever loved,

and I just lost six million dollars in diamonds.

What else could go wrong?

I've done nothing! I've done nothing!

Absolutely, Uncle!

Ha! I couldn't agree more.

Bonjour, monsieur.

May I suggest the trout today?

Nothing for me, thanks, but my uncle here will have...

Some escargot, the coq au vin and a bottle of Margot.

And the same for my nephew.

Exactly!

Oui, monsieur.

-Ah!

What's that, Uncle? Your eyesight isn't what it used to be?

Of course I'd be happy to describe the sights.

Ciao, signoris.

Io sono Luigi Gaudi, and you are?

-Harry Witherspoon. -Ah!

Bravo. And you are?

My Uncle Anthony. Now if you'll excuse us.

Uncle, huh? Zio. Very good, very good.

-This your first time to Monte Carlo? -Yes.

Fantastico! Luigi Gaudi will be your guide.

Thanks, but Uncle is here for rest, you see, and seclusion.

Signoris , this is nonsense. This is Monte Carlo.

Champagne for everyone!

Welcome to the Hotel de Paris.

Thank you.

Where Winston Churchill have had many good times.

Everything is as you specified, monsieur.

Your long stemmed roses.

Yes, yes, thank you.

-Your champagne. -Thank you.

And now, Uncle is very tired.

Your beluga caviar.

Your exclusive sea-view.

Your extra towels. Your chocolate truffles. Your pink satin sheets.

-Your tip. -Merci, monsieur.

What a schmuck.

I am not cut out for this.

--I had a job. I had a life.

It's not much, but at least I knew what to expect.

Sorry, but you got the wrong man.

Okay, kid, we've got a big day ahead of us.

Sailing, new duds, new adventures, and you're gonna go gambling,

using my infallible system for roulette.

We've got a night club reservation at 8:00, so be prompt.

Absolutely, Uncle.