Conduct Unbecoming

Come on!

I have every intention of making a success

of my three months probationary period with the regiment,

and of joining it fully and properly

at the end of that time.

There is, unhappily, a little matter

I should perhaps share with you.

Oh, what's that?

I have no intention whatever of surviving

my three months probationary period.

There is a ship which sails for England

in exactly three months.

I intend to be on it.

Sho-hut!

Right, atten-hut!

Present arms!

It's exactly how I imagined it would be.

How very uplifting for you.

But then I didn't expect you to understand.

But I do, my dear fellow.

You forget, this place has haunted me since childhood.

We want to get cleaned up

and present ourselves to the adjutant.

If we can find him.

Or indeed anyone.

You don't suppose there's been another mutiny, do you?

Millington, I think I better warn you that,

while I tolerated your imbecilities

on our journey together,

they won't be appreciated here.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good afternoon.

You must be Pradah Singh.

And you, Sir, Mr. Drake.

If I may say you look most like your father,

under whom I had the honor to serve.

Thank you.

I had the honor to serve also

under your father, General Millington,

though I was, of course, much younger then, a mere boy.

Yes, he did have me rather late in the day.

I understand your father served

with the regiment, Pradah Singh.

And my grandfather served.

In my family,

it is the tradition. - Quite.

Pradah Singh, where is everybody?

On the prairie ground, Sir.

It's the anniversary of The Battle of Rajapur.

Of course, well, I should've remembered.

They should be back within the hour.

I'm instructed that by that time

you should be in attendance here, in uniform.

The Colonel will then lead in the ladies.

I hear correctly, ladies?

Ladies?

Yes, Sir. - Voluptuous ladies?

For God's sake, man!

Gentlemen, officers and men

of the 20th Indian Light Cavalry,

today we commemorate, as we do each year,

the award of the Victoria Cross

to Captain John Scarlett,

for his outstanding bravery.

On this, the third anniversary of his death,

it is once again my duty and privilege

to present the cross to Mrs. Scarlett.

Colonel, it is again my pleasure to return

this medal to you for safekeeping among the other trophies

which commemorate the honorable history of this regiment.

Where the devil are they, Pradah Singh?

Just coming now, Sahib. - Oh, good.

2nd Lieutenants Millington and Drake.

May I present the senior subaltern, Lieutenant Fothergill.

Gentlemen, welcome.

Pradah Singh, could you fetch me a quick whisky and soda,

we have just a few moments to spare.

Sahib. - What about you, chaps?

Oh, my dear fellow, um, just anything.

I'm about to expire.

My companion is joking, of course.

We are fully aware of the regimental tradition.

Oh, good, splendid, well done.

Thank you, Pradah Singh. - Sahib.

They're damn silly, these little tests.

But one must be certain.

You must be Millington.

No, Drake.

I have that dubious honor, my dear fellow.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, sit down, chaps.

There's a lot to tell you and little time to tell it in.

Oh, we are allowed to sit?

Yes, of course, why not?

Don't pay any attention.

I thought it might be another of these little tests.

Mr. Millington has a very personal sense of humor.

Oh, I see, very funny.

You're sitting in the Colonel's chair, old man.

Oh my heavens!

I wouldn't want to add sacrilege to my other crimes.

Now then, it's my job as senior subaltern

to watch over you chaps for the next week or two.

Make sure you know what's what and so on.

Let me remind you of the basic facts of life.

You don't speak to anyone,

nor will anyone speak to you, except me.

It's my job to speak to you and you may speak to me,

but never to a senior officer,

unless addressed first.

In which case, you reply, "yes, Sir".

Now, unless it happens to be the Colonel,

in which case, you reply "yes, Colonel".

We always call the Colonel

Colonel in this regiment.

Quite. - Quite.

Eminently sound arrangement, if I may say so.

Good, now, when the Colonel arrives,

we shall withdraw to a corner, over there.

At an appropriate time, I shall strike the gong,

announce strangers in the mess and

introduce each of you individually.

No one will pay the least attention,

except the Colonel, who will say,

thank you, Mr. Fothergill...

You will say nothing.

We shall then wait for the adjutant to join us,

when you will present yourselves

and we shall withdraw to your quarters.

Parade, section right, quick right!

And now, as for the ladies,

they will be in the Colonel's party this afternoon,

I think, only Madame Strang has help, the Colonel's lady.

And, um, Mrs. Scarlett.

Yes, yes, I think I should perhaps

say a word or two about Mrs. Scarlett.

She is a lady, very much admired at the mess, very popular.

Her husband was awarded the Victoria Cross, posthumously.

She is a regular feature of our lives here.

However, she is not above offering certain favors.

Now, don't misunderstand me!

She is very much a lady, but.

Yes, of course.

Most distressing. - Yes.

My point is that junior officers

are well advised to remain unsusceptible.

She is a very attractive woman.

However, certain senior officers having...

You understand me?

Made a point with Mrs. Scarlett?

Oh, I see. - Of course, this is a matter

of which, while you should be fully appraised,

you know nothing. - No, quite.

Just remain courteous, but, uh...

Distant? - Distant, yes.

What is this filthy old tunic doing in the mess?

Mr. Millington!

That was Captain's Scarlett tunic.

He was wearing it when he was cut down.

It must have been a very messy event.

Warfare is not noted for its comfort!

Nor is the future of young officers

who fail to acquaint themselves

with the history and traditions of this regiment.

Still, when you come to think of it,

it must smell absolutely frightful.

How is young Truly getting around, doctor?

Not too bad, I think, Colonel.

Damned idiot! - He'll be up and about

in a day or two. - He'll be playing Polo

again soon anyway.

Colonel, there are strangers in the mess!

May I present Mr. Millington and Mr. Drake, Colonel!

Thank you, Mr. Fothergill.

Surely that can't be general Millington's boy.

He looks far too young.

With respect, madam,

I hardly believe you could have known my father.

You also look far too young.

Well, Mr. Fothergill.

I'm sorry, Sir.

Sorry, I did not here that, mr Fothergill?

I must have failed to make

my instructions plain, Captain Harper.

Mr. Fothergill, you are assumed to be capable

of the duties of your office.

That is why you hold it.

I am waiting, Mr. Fothergill.

Present yourselves, men!

I have the honor to present myself, Sir.

Mr. Drake, Sir.

Thank you, Mr. Drake.

I also have the honor to present myself, Sir.

Do you lack a name, Sir?

Millington, Sir.

Ah, come here, Mr. Millington.

Sir. - Mr. Millington,

if I ever hear from you again,

it will be for the last time.

Do you understand me?