Misfits

Who are you?

We're here for our community service.

I have x-ray vision.

I'm your new probation worker. You cross me,

and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before.

Sadie?

I'm home.

How was your day?

I love you.

I love you so much.

I don't want to keep you like this any longer than I have to.

I'm doing it for us.

Imagine you were a heroin addict.

People tie them up and keep them captive all the time.

Think of it as going cold turkey.

I mean, what you have is a disease. And I'm going to find a cure

and when I do, we'll look back on this and laugh.

Make love to me.

Really?

Won't that be a bit weird?

OK. Why not?

I have thought about it.

We both have needs.

This is good for us. I'm nervous.

Why am I nervous?

What are you doing?

Sadie, don't do this!

Oh, no...

How could you do that?

Let me go!

I am trying really hard to make this relationship work.

I'm too angry to talk to you.

Do you need the toilet before I go?

.

So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like "When are you

"going to pay your rent?"

I was all, "I ain't going to. What are you going to do about it?"

Well, quite a bit, as it goes,

cos they've kicked me out of my flat and they've repossessed it.

So where do you sleep?

Oh, so I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo,

get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic,

end up going back to hers.

When I say hers, have you ever shagged an homeless girl?

No.

It's like camping. Honestly, it reminded me of being a boy scout,

looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there.

Well, she... Oh, she sat on my face.

Where am I going with this?

Can I stay at yours for an indefinite period of time, rent free, please.

No.

I'm very tempted.

Um...

I guess my question is...

Would we get to have regular sex?

That could certainly be arranged.

Get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read.

You can't have me wandering the streets, man.

You know what happened to the Littlest Hobo?

He got raped.

I'm making that up, he didn't get raped.

It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?!

"Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..."

Woah, what time do you call this?

I...

I had to take my dog to the vet.

Did you?

Did you now?

Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars.

Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ.

What's that on your neck? Nothing.

It's all scratched.

It's a scratch, people get scratched all the time.

It happens.

What have you been doing?

Nothing.

Maybe he was trying to hang himself. Why would I try and hang myself?

Because you are short.

Don't do it.

This is a sculpting class for the blind.

And you, God help them, will be their models.

Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.

That zip goes down one more inch

and me and you are going to go toe-to-toe.

Denied. Gutted.

They might not be able to see you but I can.

I can see into your souls.

Hi. Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good.

So, you're going to be sculpting me?

If that's all right with you?

I'm Ally.

Curtis.

It's my first time doing anything like this.

I think I'm supposed to feel your face.

Go for it.

You've got lovely skin.

You are bang out of order, mate.

Yeah? And how's that?

Because you're exploiting her disabilities

and you're playing your sick little mind games,

trying to get your stinking little fingers into

her lovely, creamy knickers.

There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.

There is, there is a law!

Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law. You know what it says?

No.

It says... Now, now, now, look.

Settle it like gentlemen.

And how's that?

A game of Penis Scissors Twat.

Is that like Paper Scissors Stone?

They stole that from me.

The question is are you a man or are you a vagina?

Well, I think we have our answer there. You, sir, are a vagina.

Can you please stop saying vagina?

What do you call yours?

Forget I asked.

All right, let's do this.

Best out of three.

One, two, three.

That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors.

Come on, again, again. One, two...

All right. All right.

One, two...

Who's he?

Alex, he just started working here. Come on.

One, two...

He is fucking gorgeous.

Woah! Please!

A find your objectification of men more than a little offensive.

And secondly,

I thought we really had a bit of a will-they-won't-they,

yeah-they-probably-will sort of thing going on.

Are you actually mentally ill?

I could be. Is that your thing?

You need help.

I need a piss.

Definitely.

Look who it is! Dude! Sethlington!

All right.

I need to come by the community centre tomorrow for Kelly's things.

Come after five, the work should be done by then.

Nice one.

Some guy was in here looking for you. Said he had a power to sell.

I'm retired.

What's he like? Mad, mad...

Catch you later, G...

What's that about a guy with powers to sell?

Seth used to deal powers on the estate..

What do you mean, deal powers?

Dealing, giving and taking them for money.

You can take over people's powers?

He took mine, twice. A fucking mistake both times.

I've just remembered, I need to go home.

To let the dog out.

Fuck, man!

Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one!

Let your dog out, let it off the leash, grr!

See you tomorrow.

Dirty bastard, off home for...

To be continued.

Whatever.

There's this dealer guy, Seth.

He can take people's powers.

He's the cure.

It's all going to be OK. We're going to be OK.

Evening.

What are you doing here?

In the neighbourhood.

How do you know where I live?

Instinct.

That was a lie, that. Here's the thing, I followed you home.

I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep,

you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so...

Psychology, it's clever.

You can't stay here.

You don't mean that.

I do, you can't stay.

I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Invite me in, you prick.

You're not invited.

I'm inviting me.

I'm uninviting you.

I'm reinviting me. Get off.

Get off me.

You're on me!

Thank you. Invitation accepted.

Is that mine now, with all the bolts and padlocks on it?

No. That's, er...

It's that one down there.

Get on, then.

You can't keep me tied up forever.

I'll let you go as soon as we get it sorted.

When will that be?

Soon. Really soon, I promise.

Morning.

I thought you were asleep.

Yeah, well...

The early bird catches the worm.