Terkel in Trouble (Terkel i knibe)

TERKEL IN TROUBLE

Hi, kids. Sitting comfortably? My name's Arnie.

I'm going to tell you a story about a boy named Terkel.

Terkel was a fresh boy. Except when he was sick, of course.

But he was nice and had balls of steel.

Now you're thinking: "Steel? That's gotta suck."

But that's what you say about folks who are determined.

Or people who are really stupid. Anyways...

Terkel lived in a red house with his parents, Betty and Leon.

They were excellent parents.

They just had a hard time agreeing about anything at all.

- That's just the way it is. - No.

- Yes! - No!

- Why's there always a discussion? - We're not discussing, we're arguing.

- No! - Yes, we are, Leon!

- No. - Yes.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

- Terkel had a little sister, too. - Hi, Terkel.

- Her name was Rita. - Not right now, Rita. I'm busy.

- Weren't we going to school together? - That's right. We weren't.

Terkel was in the 7th grade. His best friend's name was Jason.

Yo, Terkel.

- What's up? You chillin'? - Yeah. Didn't do my homework, though.

That's a nasty one. On the other hand, fuck it.

Jason was from across the tracks, as they say. It's why he talked funny.

And why he always had an iron pipe in his pocket.

Downtrip. Here comes Johanna.

- She saw you. - Hi, Jason.

- Yo, Johanna. What's up? - Uhh... How are you?

- "How are you?" - Yes, well... I mean...

- Right. Whatever, Johanna, OK? - She's crazy about you.

I know. But that lame way she talks... I'm gonna snap, dude.

There were also two real troublemakers in the class.

Their names were Stan and Saki.

They spent their recess mocking a chubby girl named Doris.

That was nice and sick, Stan. Feeling fat today, Dumpy Doris?

- You mean: Again today. - Yeah, Doris is always fat.

Friday morning meant music class with that fave teacher, Arnie Fattune.

Yes, that's me, so please excuse me while I impart vital musical wisdom.

Hi, kids. Time for music class. Are you ready?

Yeah!

Good. Now, I'd like you to... Yes, Silas?

I was studying Grandpa's music dictionary last weekend -

- and I came across the expression "funky".

- What does it mean? - Listen, children.

Music isn't about reading and analyzing.

Music is for tasting and feeling and listening and dancing.

There's music in everything... Like Jason's iron pipe.

Or Sally's cell phone ringing in the middle of class.

Let's grab some instruments and get it on!

That's it, Jason. Nice beat.

Ready to add the horns? Two, three, four...

A little more embouchure, Billy.

Here we go...

Arnie is the name and music is my game

this is where we learn to play the blues, Bach and be-bop

everybody's having fun this is the way to be someone

we're in the groove and on the case it makes me want to wail on bass

when the cats are really swingin' the kiddies, they begin their singin':

- Arnie is way too cool - Thanks, kids.

- Arnie is way too cool - I'm just way too coool.

Remember to empty the spit valve, Carl.

What you see is what you get so don't try out for teacher's pet.

Do I look lame with page-boy hair? The girls, they do not seem to care

'cause music makes you sexy this is a proven fact

and when that beat gets going good the girls get in the act

they storm the stage as in a dream and suddenly they start to scream:

- Arnie is way too cool - I'm just way too coool

- Arnie is way too cool - Wo-uh-wo, cool

Super cool, kids!

- Arnie is too cool - Wo-uh-wo, I'm just way too cool

I'm so cool, can't stand myself.

Can you feel it? Does it swing? That's music!

Thanks, kids. That's it for... Thank you, Silas...

- I can feel it! - Silas! That's it for now.

- I hope you're not beating my record. - Just a sec... Fuck!

Hi there, kids.

- What's up? - You sat down on a spider.

- I did? Where? - There. It's completely squished.

No big deal. They're just pants. They can be washed.

- What grade are you boys in? - 7th grade, in your face.

Okay. I'm a new substitute teacher. My name's Gunnar.

- I'm on my way to teach 8th grade. - Okay...

- What are your names? - My name's Terkel.

- Jason here. - Nice meeting you. Have fun.

Don't worry.

He was pretty fucked up, that dude.

- A little strange. But nice enough. - What now, fuck-face?

- Just need to take a piss. - Go for it.

Hello...? Is someone there?

Oh, no!

Whatcha doin', Terkel? Did you piss in your pants?

- You pissed in your pants. - Ha, ha, hilarious...

If this had been a military gun, we'd have shot your balls off.

- Like in Vietnam. - There's Dumpy Doris.

- Let's go! - You take her bag, I'll pull her hair.

Dumpy Doris, you're too ugly for words!

The last class of the day is supposed to be English.

But instead of their regular teacher, a new one walked in.

- Look, it's that strange dude. - It's Gunnar. Check out that sweater.

- Dude, what planet is he from? - Hi, kids.

Would you mind sitting down nice and quiet on your little hineys? Good.

Okay. My name's Gunnar, and... Is there any chalk here?

Excuse me, Gunnar. My name's Silas.

I volunteer to run to the storeroom and get some chalk.

Well, thank you, Silas. As I was saying...

Here it is. Normal and colored, sir.

That's great. Now look: My name is Gunnar Bjerre.

And this is my African possum, Lise Lotte...

"Lise Lotte."

Your regular teacher should have been here, but she had an accident.

Yvonne fell all the way down her stairs and rolled out into the busy street -

- that you must never cross without an adult -

- and the cars simply couldn't brake before it was too late.

Children, Yvonne didn't... She didn't make it.

She won't be coming back.

Shhh.

Easy, kids... Okay.

As I was saying, I'm Gunnar. I'm a new substitute teacher here.

I've been teaching at a Rudolf Steiner school, if you know what that is.

- Yes, Silas? - I know what it is.

The kids had heard about these Rudolf Steiner schools -

- which believe that toys should be boring.

Preferably dumb wooden figures without faces.

The kids are supposed to imagine the faces. I had a girlfriend like that.

Of course she wasn't made of wood. Unfortunately.

- Anyways, back to the classroom. - Thanks for the explanation, Silas.

We should get to know each other better. I've brought this beanbag -

- that we can toss to each other as we say our name. I'll start.

My name's Gunnar.

Or... How about just dismissing class for today?

Won't you be our big brother?

Yes, you're our big brother because you have such a nice necklace.

- And a totally cute rat. - Possum.

- Can we make you up, just like a girl? - No, no. Don't be such silly billys.

- See you tomorrow, girls. - Yes. Bye-bye, big brother.

WINE - BEER - ALCOHOL - CIGARETTES - CANDY

Oh, no!

- Terkel? - What do you want?

Won't you walk me home?

- You can walk home by yourself. - But I forgot my keys.

- Then use the spare key. - I can't remember where it is.

- In the shed under the flower pot. - But Terkel...

- Leave us alone now. Honestly! - Should we shuffle home to you?

Not today. My mom and dad are getting ready for their wedding.

The whole house is full of cakes and frilly dresses and shit.

Terkel's parents are getting married on Saturday.

- Hi, boys. - Yo, Gunnar.

- Out buying goodies? - Yeah, we bought some licorice.

See you Monday. Have a nice weekend.

- Can't we go home to you? - Today's not so good.

- Why? - Just because, OK?

I've never even been to your house, Jason.

Listen. I can't deal with that shit today.

- Crap! - Why do you carry that around?

I'm not shitting you.

You never know when you're gonna need an iron pipe.

- Well, I'm home. - No.

- Hi, Dad. - No.

- Have you had a nice day? - No.

- Ready for the wedding tomorrow? - No.

- I'm sure you will be. - No.

- Is Mom home? - No.

- No. - I'm in the kitchen, Terkel.

Hi, Terley. Did you have a nice day?

Yeah... We got a new teacher.

- Because Yvonne's dead! - Would you mind drying this?

Sounds like you've really enjoyed yourself today.

- May I go over to the ramp later? - No, not this evening.

- We have to get up early tomorrow. - What if I come home early?

There's a big party tomorrow and you need eight hours' sleep.

Otherwise you can catch anthrax and shrivel up like an old potato.

- Those things can happen. - But, Mom...

You dumb-ass! Open up!

Jason, what in the world are you doing here?

- Dude, calm down. - It's 2 a.m.

Can't keep a straight face? Come on, we're watching a tape.

Terkel wasn't really much of a horror-movie fan..

But you can't say that to your best friend.

- So he said: - Wow, he just got his arm hacked off.

Just shut up!

- And his head! - Way to go, man!

So I ask you, Leon Gungadin Mogensen:

Do you take Betty Habakuk Smokeson as your lawful, wedded wife?

No.

- Here they come... - Hurrah! Congratulations!

- Throw rice at Mom and Dad, Rita. - No, that's not nice.

- It's the custom. So they'll be fertile. - Fertile?

- So they can have kids and stuff. - But they already have us.

Wouldn't you like to have a little brother?

Ow, Rita! Not overhand against the ear. It can make you deaf.

It doesn't look like you're eating, Grandma. Can't you chew it?

How about a sandwich? A ham and cheese sandwich?

Getting old is no fun. I had problems with my back this morning.

Went straight to the doctor.

Turns out I've had a scalpel in my back the past three weeks!

I've been asked not to give a speech this evening.

Namely because of that little situation at the last family fest.

But what the heck, it's not every day one's little niece gets married, so...

Terkel! Your mom's got a great ass! It's bull, but you can handle it.