Crashing

You know, I'm gonna give myself the weekend off.

Not gonna grade any papers.

If I were in third grade, and you were my teacher,

I'd just be, like the happiest kid.

- You would? - Of course.

- Why? - 'Cause you're adorable.

Are you kidding me?

I would freak out. I'd be the weird kid,

gets there early every day.

You'd be the only one I'd give a valentine...

- Yeah? - Whoa. Sorry.

Wow. I have a knife.

Let's fuck on the floor.

What?

Fuck me on the floor.

- Right now? - Yeah.

Sure. Uh...

- I have onion hands, though. - Okay.

Just... I feel like a doctor.

Nurse, get me 50 CCs of liquid Dawn.

Let's not do a bit.

Sorry.

- Let me touch your asshole. - What?

- Yeah. - What? No.

Yeah, let me just touch it. It'll be good.

No, it's not... It's not a good idea.

It's not a good area for me.

- Do you wanna touch my asshole? - What's gotten into you?

I'm just... I'm trying to dissolve our boundaries

and like, find something different

- and find something sexy. - Okay, I'll do this.

- Peter. - There you go.

- What? - See me.

I'm looking right at you.

Don't look at me, see me.

I love you. I love you so much.

Just bite my neck, like do something that feels crazy.

I don't want to bite your neck. You're my best friend.

Just do something! Like...

You wanna, like, 69 or something?

I don't like doing two things at once.

It's like playing the banjo while you're riding a bicycle.

It's unnatural.

My knees are really chaffing.

- Look at that. - Okay.

You see?

- You should get on top or something. - Okay.

I'm so Lithuanian.

- Let's stop. Let's really... - Oh, no.

- I have to go anyway. - What? It's only four o'clock?

- Where are you going? - Well, the show.

The show's at 7:00, but sign-up's at 6:00,

so if I don't leave right now, I might not even get on,

and then the whole night will be a wash.

I thought we were gonna watch stuff together?

Sweetest, it would help me if we could,

you know, normalize this a little bit.

Some people work during the day,

I work at night, like a cop.

It's not really work.

You go do shows that don't pay you.

And you have to buy two drinks in order to do 'em.

It's not really work.

Come on, this is in the West Village.

It's all the big guys. Seinfeld, Romano, Chris Rock.

- They perform there? - They perform in the neighborhood.

In the '90s.

Come on, this is hard.

I'm up there alone. I like to think you're...

you know, up there with me rooting me on.

- Okay. - This is a big one, I promise.

Okay.

All right.

- Wish me luck. - Good luck.

- Say break a leg. - Break a leg.

You don't say good luck. It's like the theater.

You just told me to say good luck. I'll be back soon.

When I come home, you can touch my asshole.

Don't make fun of me.

Okay.

I'm all right, man. I'm a Brooklyn kid, you know?

I'm from old-school Brooklyn, all right?

Salt of the earth Brooklyn, yeah?

Half the area's Caribbean,

the other half is Orthodox Jewish.

That's why I look like Method Man and sound like Jerry Lewis.

Are you guys ready for our next comedian, yeah?

Give him your support, Pete Holmes, guys, yeah!

Thanks. Todd Montesi, everybody. Todd Montesi.

I feel like I won an award,

like you brought me up, like I won something.

I think it's weird when you win an award,

you're supposed to point to God if you thank him.

You go "Thank God" and you point to the sky,

'cause that's where God is.

But we're on a planet.

The sky is that way as well, right?

So I wanna win an award, like a Golden Globe,

so I can go up and just be like,

"I wanna thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ..."

"In your face, Satan."

What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store?

There you are.

You think it's "Just take it"?

Hey, that was good, right?

Mmm. I only caught the end.

- But the end was good, right? - Seemed like it was pretty good.

So I don't want to be pushy,

but you said to talk to you maybe about the monthly shows.

There's... Don't you book the Holiday Inn in Connecticut?

And the Firehouse?

- Do you have a car? - Yeah, I have a car. I have a car.

Does it do well on ice?

Yeah it... Yeah, I mean, I don't stop... Ice is fine.

Yeah, maybe.

Okay, can I e-mail you?

Um... no.

But you can give me your e-mail.

It's a little complicated. It's Pete Pete Holmes 21,

but 20 spelled with an I, not a Y,

at gmail dot com.

Do you want me to write it down?

I'll remember it.

There's a pen right here though.

This is for the sign-up. So I got it up here.

- I'll remember it. - I signed up,

so if you just wrote Pete in front of Pete Holmes, you'd have most of it.

This is a historical record.

It's not for me to remember stuff.

Thanks, man. Fun show.

Father, we love you, today.

We thank you that each one of us will fulfill

the destiny that you've laid out.

Lord, I thank you that we have wisdom

to make good choices in life.

- Oh, my God, Peter! - Sweetest.

Oh, my God... I thought you were gonna be writing jokes at the library,

and then seeing that movie and the community center.

Wasn't feeling it. Thought I'd come home.

Just wanted to grab some sweaty peas.

I didn't even know you were home.

What are you... What are you doing?

This is embarrassing. Um...

I was masturbating. So...

- I am so sorry. Don't be embarrassed. - Yeah.

I just... I'm uncomfortable.

I didn't think you were home, I should've knocked.

You're sweating, though.

It was a good one.

- Good sesh? - Yeah.

Go big or go home, right?

Yeah. You're a minx.

- I don't know what a minx is, but... - It doesn't matter.

Just maybe give me a second to like, get dressed.

I will. Let me, uh... I'll be downstairs.

Gonna get some Golden Grahams going.

Meet me when you're done.

Okay. Milady.

That's pretty sexy.

Ha. Thanks.

- That was everywhere. - What are you doing?

What? Who is this?

Oh, shit. Welcome.

Welcome? Why is my hand towel on your dick?!

Dude, I'm so sorry, Pete.

I... I'm Leif, brother,

and I know that this is a terrible situation,

believe me.

I'm so sorry that you're...

God! Stop moving... That's for hands!

Totally, totally, totally. Peter...

- Pick it up! - Okay.

- What are you doing? - I'm so sorry!

This is a nightmare, but it doesn't have to be, right?

I'm talking to my wife! Okay?

Keep your dick covered and shut up!

I'm sorry. I should've grabbed a bigger towel.

What is going on?

I'm sorry. I just came home one day,

and I found, like, a bowl of cereal in the bathtub,

and your socks were on the kitchen floor.

So? So you have an affair?

No, I'm just saying, it's like you need a nanny.

I'm turning into your mom. I don't want to be your mom.

What are you talking about? We're happy!

Peter, you're happy.

I completely support you while you pursue your dream.

Yes! Like a wife supports a guy in medical school.

- It's like I'm in medical school. - You're not in medical school!

You tell jokes for free

that cost us $40 in gas, okay?

You've been doing this for so long.

Shouldn't your act be better by now?

- Fuck you! - We never even have sex anymore!

We had sex yesterday!

My knees are still all burnt up!

That didn't count. It was once before that.

How do we even know that this vagrant doesn't have AIDS?

He looks like he has AIDS.

He doesn't have AIDS.