New Girl

Hey, hey, hey. Here, scoot down, scoot down.

- Nick, what are you doing? - What are you doing?

Sorry, just scoot down, I need to iron this shirt

that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter.

It's either this or the turtleneck

my mother bought me in 2009.

They're my only clean shirts.

The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that.

Okay, look, we need this whole table

for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along.

Nadia, isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh,

Schmidt's, uh...

Will to live?

After she broke my penis?

Who saw her and thought,

"That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"?

She's not sure.

Yeah, she calls it her little "sex party miracle."

Do you have to iron here?

It's the only flat surface!

Besides Winston's desk... but he's using it

to study for his police academy test,

and he is "not to be disturbed."

Not enough, not enough.

There's an ironing board in the bathroom.

I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals

to keep Schmidt from peeking.

- But fine, I'll use that! - Coach! Coach!

My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone.

DVR is chockablock filled with

American football matches, which,

by the way, is a garbage... Oh!

We cool?

- Yeah, we cool. - Cool.

What the hell just happened?

- Fight. - Yeah. Now it's over.

I barely even remember it.

I cannot believe you guys handle things that way.

I'm starting to think that neither one of you read

the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas.

I'm so glad we don't fight.

- I know. - Oh, please. Women fight.

Well, we occasionally get into a little thing.

Yeah, I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse...

- but that was, like, barely even a thing. - Yeah, that was nothing...

I mean, there's no point in even talking about it.

Oh. No, you should have that.

- No, you should have it. - No, you take it.

- No, you take it. - No, you take it.

I want you to take it.

- No. Take it. - Look, I want you to have it

'cause it would look good on you.

- No, it's made for you. You... - No.

But then we both decided that it was better

if neither one of us bought it.

- Yep. - The neon yellow purse?

With the strap? Yeah, I've seen that.

It's in your closet.

I wonder how many rubber duckies

needed to die to make that thing.

Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about.

I got to run.

Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower.

- You know, you are just the best. - No, you're the best.

- Whoa. - Did I tell you I love your top, by the way?

- No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet. - What's... what's happening?

You said too much.

- So, I'll call you later? - Definitely.

- Okay. Bye! - Bye!

Oh, my God!

What just happened?

That's a girl fight.

S04E10 Girl Fight

Schmidt, stay out of it, man.

Girl fights are dangerous, okay?

I grew up with three sisters,

and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old.

What's wrong?

They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me on purpose.

There. Now you match.

Well, congratulations on having sisters,

but I know women. You blindfold me,

spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm,

and I'll still find the G-spot.

- Schmidt... - Let us not forget that I had boobs

for the first 19 years of my life.

I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner.

You can't buy that kind of access.

Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women.

- You don't want to get in the middle of that. - Coach...

Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet

when it was rainy and I was bored

and I was feeling snoopy.

- No, no, no... - See?

Look... the purse.

In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is."

Fine. I went back and I bought the purse,

'cause I love it.

I love purses.

And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either.

I'm a damn feminist who loves purses.

Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings?

In a purse, that's where.

Lena Dunham.

I don't know. I...

Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize.

Cece and I have been friends for 20 years.

Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people.

We never confront anything.

That's the way it works with us. It always has.

Hi.

Hi.

And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had.

And if I bring up the purse,

then everything else comes up with it.

Too many things have happened.

Women have amazing memories.

Because we used to be the gatherers,

and so we had to remember

where all the best berries were hidden.

And Cece and I,

we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains.

Colorado, Kansas,

Montana,

Nebraska... need I say more?

Coach gets it.

See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine,

'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does.

We're not gonna talk for three days,

and then I'll surprise her

with a latte. And then we'll act

- like nothing happened. - Three days without Cece?

Do I have to spend three days without Cece?

Yes. I don't trust you around her.

She makes you weak and penis-dumb.

Three days without Cece? Why don't you just

replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic?

- Stay out of it, man. - Stay the hell out of it, bro.

Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her?

- Stay out of it. - I'm confused.

Now, should I... are you asking me

to spend more time with her or stay out of it?

Like, for real?

I hate this. I hate first dates.

- I hate all... - Me, too.

I hate the second ones and the third ones

- and the fourth ones. - Me, too. Yeah. Yeah.

I hate dates.

- Yeah. - The first ones are the worst.

Yeah.

- This is terrible. - They're terrible. They're awkward.

- I feel like I'm being weird. - You're not being weird.

- Yeah, I am. - I'm the weirdo.

I wanted to do this all night.

That is so stupid.

- I hated that I did it. - I feel like I'm being weird, too.

- How? - I don't know how. Just...

- Well, now you are. - These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder.

Now... when you do that, it's very weird.

But before, it wasn't.

Just don't do sweater shoulder.

Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going.

- Oh, I will. - Don't. It'll be so embarrassing.

- Yeah. - He's probably my best friend.

- Really? - Yes.

You're not his best friend.

That's a terrible thing to say.

It's true.

- This is going great. - Oh, God, I hate this.

I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot.

That's hot to me.

You add some sweatpants

to that, and that is better than porn.

I love porn.

But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like,

"Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit."

"Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's."

Something like that.

Cheers.

Yeah.

That was a weird cheers!

Can we go?!

Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks!

So cute.

Yeah, it's like they're made for each other.

- They haven't moved in three days. - Very weird.

Alarming, even.

Wait, doesn't she work or...?

Shouldn't you be studying?

Or live somewhere?

Shouldn't you be studying?

- Or have worried loved ones? - Studying?

Coach, this is gonna take some serious

investigative police skills.

But I'm on to her.

I didn't know girls could be so slovenly.

I did. I have sisters.

Oh, my God, we know.

We cool?

We cool.