Family Guy

Oh, it's a letter from my fancy private high school.

I'll take this envelope to the refuse, madam.

Oh, thank you, letter butler.

-What's that all about? -Oh, it's an invitation

to my high school reunion.

I went to the Fancington's Academy for Insufferable Girls.

Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets.

Nice. I'm sure you and Peter will have a great time.

Peter.

Nobody look. This is a private, gross matter.

Right.

Do people bring husbands to these things?

You're not thinking of going without him, are you?

Honestly, Brian, these girls come from old money,

so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.

Well...

I'm still available.

"But the real outliers were the friends we made along the way."

The end.

-Oh, hey, Lois. -Wow, look at you.

-Reading a book, huh? -Oh, yeah.

I read everything people leave on planes.

I read The Da Vinci Code four times.

And I'm not sure the last time I've seen you in your uniform.

You really clean up nice.

Hey, Glenn, I have this class reunion coming up soon,

and I thought maybe it'd be fun if, I don't know,

you know, maybe the two of us went together.

-What about Peter? -Oh, he hates those things.

And football.

-Climate change? -Well, that is a real problem.

Hey, here's a fun thought: what if you go

and pretend to be my husband?

Well, I'm not used to wearing rings above the waist,

but what the hell-- I'll try anything once.

Where you going, Mom?

Oh, I'm just heading out for the weekend

to visit the...

Museum of Dusty Vases.

Why don't you just look at all the ones in this house?

So what do we do for dinner? Like, pizza?

-No pizza. -Okay, right. So, like, pizza?

No, Peter, not pizza.

Okay, right. Not pizza.

So just... pizza?

Okay, everyone, I stocked the fridge with healthy food.

Your weight is a reflection on me,

so no pizza.

Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea.

Peter, if you disobey me about the pizza,

there will be consequences.

Mom's-out-of-town consequences,

which, according to the movies, are the worst kind.

Fine, but I'm gonna tweet mean stuff at celebrities

that look vaguely like you.

You're going to that reunion, aren't you?

Shh. Keep your voice down.

Yes, I'm going, but with Quagmire, not Peter.

Glenn's gonna pretend to be my husband to impress them.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I mean, it's Quagmire-- you know how he feels about you.

Yeah, I know he's gonna try and sleep with me,

but I'm a big girl,

and I can handle Quagmire. I'll be fine.

-But... -But nothing. Fetch!

Oh, not cool, Lois. Very not cool!

All right, she's gone.

Now, who wants pizza?

Oh, no. No wife of mine carries her own bags.

Oh, my God, that's heavy.

What's in these things?

Well, we're here for two nights,

so my hair dryer, my iron, my free weights--

and I thought maybe, if I had a minute,

I'd Rollerblade--

my CPAP machine and bedside table...

There's a whole table in here?

...travel Peloton, every robe I've ever owned,

and my desktop computer.

It's got my email on there.

Lois, I have an umbilical hernia.

-They're on rollers. -Oh.

Okay, so I booked us a suite

so that we can keep up the appearance of being married

but still sleep in separate rooms.

Like John Krasinski and Emily Blunt?

Exactly.

Oh, pizza man's here.

Do I look okay?

I know, that one has a mind of its own.

Here's your pie. May I use your bathroom?

Absolutely. We'll be out here eating pizza

like we're in an '80s commercial.

Pizza!

It's probably just the pizza talking,

but I love you guys.

Um, the pizza guy's car is still running outside.

Four tires, not one of them the same.

-Is that guy still on the can? -I'll check.

Let's all check.

I think he's had a heart attack.

He's dead.

Oh, my God, Dad, this is terrible.

I know. Your mother is gonna find out we had pizza.

What the...

This is not the room I reserved.

This is the honeymoon suite.

Was that, "This is the honeymoon," comma, "sweet"?

Or, like, "room"?

Oh, you're not gonna get away with this.

I am gonna tweet mean stuff

at celebrities that look vaguely like you.

Whoa, whoa, I had nothing to do with this.

-Then how did this happen? -Well, I'm a platinum member

at all the hotel chains,

so they probably just saw my name and upgraded us.

Well, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this.

Oh, no problem. Let me call the front desk

and see if they can switch us to a room with two beds.

Ah, yes, we were wondering if we might be able to switch rooms?

Uh-huh. I see.

So just a windowless single with no water pressure?

No, you know what, it's fine. We're already here.

My wife says, no, it's fine, we're already here.

Oh, you heard that. Okay, thanks, anyway.

But don't get any ideas,

because nothing is gonna happen between us.

You have nothing to worry about.

I'll be more of a gentleman than John Wayne Bobbitt

with his second wife.

Hey, honey, would you take out the trash?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Love it, love it. What else?

Well, I have been dying to see that new Rebel Wilson movie.

I hear she raps, like, a lot.

Let's just do this.

Okay, we have to get rid of this body

so your mom can't connect us with the pizza.

Anybody got any ideas?

We could put a yarmulke on him

a-and dump him in the town square.

Pretend it's a hate crime.

Chris, come on. Where we gonna get a yarmulke?

We should float him with balloons, like in Up.

Then he's the sky's problem.

-Oh, my God, he got a text. -Brian, get it.

I'm not fishing it out of his pants, 'cause I'm into chicks.

Oh, no. This means there are still undelivered pizzas

-in his car. -The restaurant's gonna know

ours was the last one he dropped off before he disappeared.

Oh, my God, that means Mom will find out.

Which means we got to deliver the rest of his pizzas.

And we'll leave him and his car at the last stop.

Well, if we're going in the car, that means I can take the iPad.

Mom said.

Okay, it's showtime.

Ladies, you're looking wealthy tonight.

I'd like you to meet my husband.

We're married, hence the rings.

Enchanté. I'm a pilot and I read books.

This is Madison Lexington-Broadway.

She runs a scholarship for underprivileged WASPs

who can only afford Cornell.

My father shoots elephants.

And Vivian Yachtbrunch,

who sailed directly into the building from Turks and Caicos.

I summer in Antibes, and I winter in the spring.

And, of course, Scowly Tight-Anus,

the granddaughter of both Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.

We were a clipping on the Jay Leno Program.

May I say that you have the breasts of an obese woman

and the arms of an anorexic.

Hey, this is a lot of fun for everybody.

Do you mind if I upstage you at your job?

Attention, everybody, this is your captain.

I'm not going to turn on the "fasten seatbelt" sign.

You guys can do whatever you want.

Now I get it. I'm sorry I played your saxophone.

God, this car is depressing.

He's got three ashtrays in use.

-Can you put on some music? -There's no CD player.

Just a Discman with a cassette plug-in.

You ever heard of a band called Special Delivery?

Oh, no. It's his band.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're all in uniforms, God bless 'em.

Aw, dying on a stranger's toilet seat is bad,

but this is real bad.

Dad, let's get back to the pizzas.

Right. We deliver the pizzas and nobody calls the police.

Now, where's our first stop?

The police station.

There are cameras everywhere.

We can't be seen leaving those pizzas.

But he can.

Good thinking, Chris. All those in favor

of Meg getting in the dead guy's clothes with him