Mrs Brown's Boys

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

Shit.

Hello, and Merry Christmas to you.

Don't you just love Christmas? It's my favourite time of the year.

Though I feel sorry for people with young children.

It's getting harder and harder for Santa Claus to keep them happy.

One year, my Dermot asked me for something to wear and something to play with.

I got him a pair of trousers and I cut the pockets out.

He still has them.

Oh, right. That's the decorating finished.

You know, it can be a lonely time, Christmas.

A lot of people think lonely means alone. It doesn't.

You can be lonely in a packed room, if the one person you're missing isn't there.

Well, I won't be lonely this Christmas. This is my son Trevor.

He's away on the missions. I haven't seen him for four years.

This Christmas he's coming home.

- Agnes? - There's tea made there, Winnie.

- Is it snowing yet? - No.

Feck it.

Anyway, with Trevor coming home,

I want to make this a really special Christmas.

Grandad, there's tea made! Grandad? Grandad!

Must be asleep. Or feckin' dead.

Either one suits me.

Winnie, is this feckin' happy hour?

It's Jacko's job. They've put him on a three-day week.

Oh, Jeez, he won't like that. Having to work an extra day.

It's not funny, Agnes Brown. We can barely manage as it is.

I won't be able to afford Jacko's medicine. I'll lose the house.

I'll be living on the streets, in and out of hostels. I'll probably become a junkie.

What'll I do, Agnes?

If I was you, I'd go home and feckin' hang meself.

"Lose the house." Sure, your rent is only a couple of euro a month.

And anyway, your house is in such shite

the council wouldn't take it back if you asked them to.

I never thought of that.

Here, I could get a job. I gave up my career when I married Jacko.

Winnie, Mrs Whippy is not a career.

But you're right, you could get a job.

Maybe you could work for one of those escort agencies.

- Do you think? - Oh, yes.

I'm sure there's loads of rich men out there

who want to go out with their ugly feckin' granny.

No, I was joking.

But you're right, you could get a job.

It'd give you something to do.

And I'm going to be busy on the stall coming up to Christmas.

You could come in there for a week, that'll give you a few bob.

Thanks, Agnes. You know, you're right, pet.

The Lord doesn't close one door, but he opens another one.

Ya's right, Winnie. Now, you open that door and feck off.

Morning.

You are up early, Maria. I thought you weren't in work until 2:00.

Did you just bang your breast off the table there, Maria?

Told you you shouldn't have gone for the enlargement.

- Morning. - Hello, love.

Maria, you're up early.

- Yeah. Any news? - Yes, actually.

Father Quinn has asked me to be in the Nativity play.

- Really? - Yes.

- As what? - The Virgin Mary, I think.

Seriously?

Well, that's great.

- Morning, everybody. - Morning, love.

Good morning. Do you want a cup of tea, Henry?

Henry?

- Who the hell is Henry? - Henry, Santa Claus' reindeer.

Santa didn't have a reindeer called Henry.

Yes, he did. Henry the brown-nosed reindeer.

He was just as fast as Rudolph, but he couldn't stop as quick.

- Well, I'm not Henry. - Oh, but you are a gorgeous reindeer.

Anyway, I'd better go. I'll see yous later.

Hang on, I'll be with you. Mammy, hold the tea. I'm going.

Hey, Dermot, I think it's going to snow today.

- I don't think so, Ma. - For feck's sake.

Do you know, I forget how lucky I am sometimes.

Especially this year, with Trevor coming home.

For the first time in four years,

I'm going to have all me family together for Christmas.

Oh, hello, Higgley.

- Ahem. - Come in.

Would you some tea, Higgley?

- Do you have anything that's not a mug? - The dog's dish.

No thanks, Agnes. It's just a brief visit. Are Maria and Dermot here?

No, you just missed them. She kissed him on the horn and off they went.

- I see you have started the decorations. - Started?

Well, yes, I've a bit more to do yet. Yep, yep.

We had over a thousand lights up last year, all over the place.

Oh, we had lots of lights up. I didn't count them because

I was afraid to start counting them in case Christmas would be over before I finished.

We had to go outside and divert the aeroplanes.

This is not the airport! Keep going!

Yes, well, I just called to ask you,

is there any food that Dermot either doesn't like or is allergic to?

Jesus, no. If you left your arm on the table long enough, he'd eat it.

Good. I'm just planning the Christmas Day menu

and I want to make sure I don't make any mistakes. Right, I'll be off.

Wait a minute, hold on a second. Wait a second. Hold on a second.

Now, stick on the handbrake there.

Dermot and Maria will be having their Christmas dinner here with the family.

No, no. I've already spoken to Maria and she has confirmed.

They'll be spending their first married Christmas at the Nicholson household.

Right then, I'll leave you with it.

You obviously have a lot more decorating to do.

I'm so looking forward to a family Christmas. Bye.

Isn't she a bitch?

Have them.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

- Hello, Buster. Is it snowing out there? - No.

- For feck's sake. - I have the deal of the century.

What is it?

Chocolate Kimberley.

The Christmas presentation tin, only €2.

- Buster, are these stolen? - No, no. More or less legit.

- I bought 2,000 tins for 50 cent a tin. - That is a good price.

I should mention in the interest of fairness,

that there are chocolate biscuits in presentation boxes

from all kinds of manufacturers available in stores all over the United Kingdom.

Aren't there, Buster?

Yeah.

Best before...

- Buster, these are last year's. - Watch.

Now they're this year's.

- And you owe me €50 for the turkey. - Oh, when can you deliver him?

You didn't?

- Well, you said fresh. - I didn't mean in the feckin' egg.

- What am I supposed to feed him? - I don't know.

He likes Chocolate Kimberley.

What's he doing here alive?

I'm sure he's looking at you thinking the same feckin' thing.

It's like a feckin' zoo in there. A turkey and a pig.

- You still working, Cathy? - No. I'm on just chatting on Facebook.

- What were you doing upstairs? - Practising me audition.

- What audition? - Father Quinn's asked me to,

- to be in the Nativity play. - Really?

- Yes. - As what?

Virgin Mary, I think.

No, really?

Lovely, that'll be fun.

Do you want to see me audition? Watch, watch.

She's side-saddle on her donkey.

As she comes up to the inn, you see... "Whoa, whoa, Caesar."

She called it after a salad.

She knocks on the door. Bum, bum.

And the innkeeper goes, "Hello, who's there?" And Mary says, "I am, Mary."

So he opens the door and goes, "There is no room at the inn."

And she says, "But I am exhausted."

"I have come across the desert on my ass."

And the innkeeper said, "And a lovely ass it is, 100."

And his wife hears. So she comes over and she goes,

"Are you all right, madam? Are you pregnant?"

And Mary said, "No, excuse me, first name, Virgin."

But I do go to Weight Watchers.

That's why I'm on the salad.

It's good, isn't it?

- It's great. - Thanks, love, thanks very much.

- So how's Winnie doing? - Winnie's doing grand.

She's gonna be a consumer advocate for a magazine.

They're gonna send her products, she tries them out, writes a little report and sends it in.

- That's fantastic. - They said that she's the perfect consumer.

Baffles me, she buys fuck-all.

- Well, good for her. - Good for her is right.

Oh, dear. The signal is going.

Why does that always happen when I'm feckin' near it?

I don't know, Mammy. Must be all the static you collect.

- Want me to do the usual? - Ah, that'd be great. Thanks, Mammy.

There it is, back again.

And now look, Trevor says hello from the missions.

- Tell him that Mammy was... - Signal!

Tell him his mammy loves him and I'm counting the days till he gets home.

- What's he saying? - He says he's counting them, too.

Do you know, Cathy, sometimes

I sit in the kitchen thinking about him coming home for Christmas

and I'm fit to feckin' burst with excitement.

He's just the same, he says.

Did you see what Trevor wrote on Facebook?

It's exciting, isn't it?

I swear to God, that child has to get looser underpants.

Here, Cathy, I had Mrs Nicholson over. Do you know what she said?

She thinks Dermot and Maria are going to her house for Christmas.

They are. And they're worried about having to tell you.

They're right to be worried.

- Hey, Dermot. All right, Maria? - How are you, Buster?

- Is your ma here? - No, she's not back from the stall yet.

- Good. - What are you doing here?

I have to Kill the turkey, and your ma said that I was to do it when she wasn't here.

- God, I don't know if I want to be here either. - Yeah, me neither.

Right, here we go.

Hello, Mr Turkey.

Nice Mr Turkey...

- All right, Mammy? - I'm grand, Son.

- Do you know, I've been thinking. - Yeah?

Maria, we have you here all year round.

I think it might be a good idea if the two of yous went to

Maria's mother's for Christmas dinner this year.

Well, if you think it's a good idea.

And then you can come back here for tea,

and we can have tea together with the whole family.

That would be great, Mammy. Tea in our house, the family tea.

And with Trevor home, a really special one.