The Grand Tour

Hello and welcome to the sweat box...

that is Cambodia.

Now, there are many ways we could get across this fascinating country.

We could use horses or tuk-tuks or tractors.

But Mr Wilman decided we should meet at this very spot

with three boats.

And that hasn't gone down very well with my colleagues.

- No. - There we go.

Because I hate... I'm from Birmingham, I've explained.

Which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK...

- Full of canals! - We don't do boats.

People from Birmingham are always saying,

"It's the Venice of the North,"

like Venetians always say, "We live in the Birmingham of the South."

Canals are just for moving coal around.

I don't want to do that either.

I'm from Birmingham, I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of.

- I signed up for a car show. - Yes.

Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats.

- I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat. - That's exactly the right word.

You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily where it was when you last parked it.

Problem No.1. They can sink. Cars can't do that.

- What are the viewers gonna think? - What?

What if you turned on Jamie Oliver,

you thought, "I love that cooking show...

Oh, he's doing some watercolor painting."

- We did it in lorries... - Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road.

- We've been on horses. - Oh, that went well!

Anyway, listen, let's not get bogged down with your prejudices.

Because the challenge is actually quite simple.

We are here, yes, near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia.

And we've got to use all these waterways, well, not all of them...

we've got to find a path through them,

to Vung Tau, which is at the bottom of the Mekong Delta,

in Vietnam.

There is, however, one small problem.

As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating.

- But... there's no water. - No, there isn't.

Is that pontoon thing there, is that where Mr Wilman thought we should meet?

- Yes, in a field. - He's a half-wit, isn't he?

Anyway, the problem is...

there isn't enough water in there to drown a witch.

No.

So, why don't we get some wheels

and go and find some water

and then we'll launch our boats there?

Right.

Having found some wheels,

we began our search.

Oh, how the mighty are fallen.

We are in tune with the times, though.

Exactly right. Exactly right.

There is global warming, there is climate change.

And if you hosted a car show now,

I think you'd feel foolish.

Bloody car, you maniac!

What's up with you, you lunatic?

- You selfish maniac! - Hit him! Hit the car!

Mad man!

Several exhausting miles later,

the river was still depressingly empty.

The problem we've got is it's June

and it's supposed to be raining here, really raining,

pouring down constantly.

And it isn't. And it hasn't for months.

And when we reached a fishing village,

the scale of the issue became clear.

These houses, as you can see, are on stilts

because that's where the river should be.

Just stop here. Look.

That's where the water level is.

That's incredibly gone, isn't it?

And it's not just climate change that's to blame,

because there's another problem.

China. They've dammed the river

that feeds all the water systems round here.

How much sense does that make, sitting here,

in your house on stilts with no water around it,

to learn that the Chinese have nicked all your water?

A funny world, isn't it?

The really funny thing is,

China builds a coal-fired power station every 20 minutes or something

and everyone shouts at them, saying,

"Oh, you're killing the planet."

When they build a clean, green, hydro-electric dam,

everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now, look, you're killing the planet!"

Well, it'd be nice if they could do it without nicking somebody else's water.

Eventually, though, we found a lake.

- Oh, look at that! - Hello.

But as we launched our boats and headed for a nearby pontoon...

...the rainy season arrived...

with a vengeance.

God above!

Erm... I don't know how to park a boat.

I'm not gonna lie.

Trying to park.

Ooh! How do I stop it?

Having another attempt.

Wait a minute, my engines are...

Oh, no, that one.

Yeah.

I think that went well.

Right.

Stop moving around!

I've parked you!

Well, I was gonna leap from my boat and say,

"And fresh from Miami Vice...

a boat."

It's pointy, which means it's a fast boat.

Oh, I've got my leg caught.

At this point, Jeremy emerged from the gloom.

And as he's the only qualified boat driver on the team,

I was expecting a smoother arrival.

Here we go.

Parking a PBR.

- Argh! - No, no, no!

Oh, brilliant!

It's really windy! I'm backing in.

Oh, no, that's...

Totally uncontrollable.

This is better, this angle.

Argh!

- OK. - Could you help and get that rope?

Can you pull me along?

Please pull me along!

This is no time for cocking about!

This is dangerous work we're doing!

I'm glad you got here cos I think it looks like rain.

me!

- Erm... - What?

Isn't that like the boat out of Apocalypse Now?

Exactly what it is, PBR - Patrol Boat, River.

- Mark II. - Yeah.

Is that entirely tactful? We're going to Vietnam.

- You can't drive that around! - You can! Because...

You probably don't know this, but... Vietnam won.

So driving that through Vietnam

is like walking through Old Trafford, which is where Manchester United play,

in a Charlton Athletic shirt.

It doesn't matter, cos you're a loser.

They don't mind.

You believe that?

Is that... Is that a Scarab?

Yeah.

Hammond, you have accidentally chosen

- quite a good boat... - Have I?

...if you were on the inter-coastal waterway in Miami.

You see, that's cool.

I've got two V8s in that.

- I've got two V8s in there. - How many horsepower?

850 in total, 425 per engine.

- It's too much. - What have you got?

350 a side. I've got 700 in total.

- 850. - Yeah, but that's better.

It's not.

What do you think May will have?

- Some. - Probably, with a bit of luck.

Soon, his late arrival was explained.

He'd come from the 18th century.

Look at that!

That's the world's least appropriate thing!

What was he thinking of?

How old is that thing?

James? About 60.

You ready with this rope?

Hang on, it's going backwards.

Why's it doing that?

He is absolutely hopeless.

He's got one knob and one wheel.

Oh, here he comes.

He's trying a new technique here.

He's broken his flagpole.

- James? - Yes?

That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever seen.

What do you mean?

Well, it's entirely not designed for where we are.

It's a river boat.

- We're on a lake. - It's a pleasure craft.

But we're gonna be on rivers.

And it's only a gentle lake. It's not stormy or anything.

Really?

- Have you got a big V8? - No, of course I haven't.

- What is it? - It's a four-cylinder diesel.

- Power? - Yes?

99 horsepower.

- When was your boat built? - 1939.

- Sorry... it's 80 years old? - Yes.

- It's 80? - It's older than the Battle of Britain.

So it's an antique.

It is an antique, yes.

- You're sailing in a sideboard. - Pretty much.

- How much was it? - £16,000, inc...

What? You paid 16 for that?

That's chea... That's a Ford Focus. And it's got a new engine in it.

Is that vulgar-looking thing that I don't even want to look at yours?

- Yeah. - How much was that?

Er, 23.

- Really? - That's reasonable.

That's how much boats cost.

- £23,000? - Yes.