New Girl

It's our first wedding together so we need nicknames.

Nick is Knick-Knack! Or Mr. Suspenders.

No nicknames, ok? Your only job tonight

is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay?

And make sure he stays out of trouble with Caroline.

Why can't you and Winston help?

We've tried... He doesn't listen to us anymore.

She's not coming back, Nick.

He's right, I don't.

No!

That is the ugliest dress I've ever seen, Jess!

I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, ok?

When I see you, I wanna be thinking...

"Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"

Probably the slut butler, right?

Yo, let's go. We can't be late, I am in the weeding.

You're the usher, so relax!

Yeah! I'll be busy.

That way I won't have to sit around

answering a bunch of stupid questions all day.

Like, "Do you have a job."

"Are you still playing basketball."

Does it look like I'm still playing overseas basketball?

What is the matter with you?

This is the first job I've had in, like, two months, dude,

and I really want to just get in there

and ush this wedding in the face!

- You're gonna be great, man. - So when we do

the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently.

I know that it usually goes, like...

But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck.

'Cause it's more realistic.

No chicken dance!

Look, we're not trying to be mean.

We just don't want you to be yourself... in any way.

Okay. Suppress the Jess.

Got it.

Did you use my hair gel?

Did I use your hair gel?

I'm not gonna be mad. Just let me know if you did.

- No. - You sure?

I used your hair gel.

Are you serious?

Yeah. It's...

Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?

Wow. You look great.

Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.

No!

No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.

Come on, guys.

These are hilarious.

Kids love these.

You want to know one of my beauty secrets?

The only way I could fit in this dress

was by wearing little girl's bicycle shorts underneath.

Oh, my God, bubbles.

No, no, no, no, Jess. No bubbles, no bubbles, please.

Ooh, a lot of big game here tonight. Yo.

- Oh. Oh, there's Brooke. - Who's Brooke?

He's been into her since freshman year.

She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch.

It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.

I'd always leave water out for her.

Okay. Tonight just got real.

She goes on top of the kill list.

Is that because you're gonna attempt

to kill her by having sex with her?

More or less, yeah.

Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.

Look at my new boyfriend.

So fancy in his big boy tie.

Jess, would you please stop?

Okay, what is it with Caroline?

You're like a different person.

Just focus on getting through today, please.

Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.

What did I tell you?

Don't be myself. Yes.

That's what I love about our relationship.

You never let me be myself.

Hey!

Winston!

- You're back. - Yeah.

What are you up to? Where you working at?

Here. As an usher.

Hi. What a beautiful dress.

I'm surprised you noticed the dress.

I was distracted by the woman inside.

Jimmy Longjam, alternate usher.

Alternate usher.

I mean, I'm here. I'm the usher.

You were late. It's called commitment.

Look it up in a typewriter, old man.

- What?! - How much money do you make?

Where is your mother?

Can someone help me?

Hello. Bride or groom?

Oh, no. No, not tonight.

No!

Who is that?

Gretchen Nelson.

She's a terrible person.

We can't stand each other.

At every wedding, we end up...

we end up having sex.

I mean, look, the sex is amazing.

Oh, she's coming over.

Hey, there are those people that we know.

Oh, what people?

- Hello, Gretchen. - Uh-huh.

I see you wore the pantsuit again.

This is a new one.

It's got way more stretch... in the pants.

- That's horrible. - Are you ready for tonight?

I'm gonna tie you down

and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.

Oh, my God, how many are there?

- It's a two-hour slideshow. - No, Gretchen.

We can't do this anymore, okay?

It's not... It's not healthy.

- All right? Please, no more. - Yeah.

There she is. There she is.

She's right over there. There she is.

She's right over here. She's right...

Just be cool... Okay, okay.

Hi.

Hey, Caroline. Wow.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

Great to see you.

Nicholas, you have to introduce me.

Uh, yeah, of course.

Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.

Hi.

One more time. Cara-lee?

Uh, Caroline.- Caraloo?

Coraline?- Caroline.

Okay. Fancy.

Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend.

We just started dating,

so we're still in that honeymoon phase.

I barely sleep. So much doing it.

So much doing it.

It's crazy.

He's so soft, like a towel.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you, too, Carol.

Caroline.

I give up! I guess

I'll see you later.

For sure, for sure, for sure.

Oh, my God. Was she jealous?

I think she was jealous. You did so good.

That was remarkable.

I just done what my mama learnt me.

Give me the teeth.

Brooke.

Hi. Wow.

Schmidt.

You used to borrow my poncho freshman year.

Remember that? No.

Hmm.

Fat Schmidt?

Fat Schmidt!

Of course! Wow.

You look great.

You, also, for sure.

Um, how are your classes?

I mean, not that we're... not that we're in school anymore.

I know that.

What are you drinking? White wine?

I'm not drinking.

I'm sober, six months.

Can I get a seltzer, please?

Me, too.

You're six months sober, also?

Seven months. One more.

Wow. That's great.

Congratulations.

Here's your, uh, white wine.

What? What? That's a mistake.

No, I didn't order that. No!

No, sir!

Even the... even smell of it.

I'm gonna run back to my table.

But you can come talk to me if you need to.

Oh. Okay, thank you.

So what I need you to do is this.

I need you to put vodka in a water bottle, okay?

Then rendezvous with me in the restroom, okay?

Same page? Same page?

This kid is pushing my buttons.

Winston, he's just a little boy. Relax.

Brooke asks, I'm six months clean and sober,

and looking to settle down.

Great. Schmidt's sober.

What are you doing?

She's looking at us.

Your head is shaped like a yam.

Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats.

Uh-huh. Hey, when she comes here,