Misfits

Jess, I...

Jess.

It's Alex. They're giving him a lung transplant.

- Shit. - I tell you now.

You don't want to be getting a transplant round here.

Hi. How are you? OK? Good. You're Alex, right?

I'm not being funny, but you have to have sex with me.

I've only just got out of surgery.

You need to leave. We're just talking.

Get him out of here. Please! You have to fuck me!

Call security! Think about it! Think about it!

OK. Bye.

Alex is out of surgery. He's going to be OK.

Ah! Get in, mate! Well done.

I tell you now, I never doubted it for a second.

The handsome barman lives.

Come on. Dude, you need to pay up right now.

That's 20 of your English pounds.

Fucking pygmy. Let's have it, come on.

You... you put money on him dying?

Yeah!

No! No. What kind of person do you think I am?

You said it would be funny if they chopped his cock off

during the operation.

There's something very wrong with you. Oh, Finn.

Honestly.

Well, I'm glad he didn't die. I am.

But I will say this.

He may have a new lung,

but you can't replace his cheating heart.

Twat.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts.

These were the happiest and the proudest days of my life.

Look at 'em!

You were in the Scouts?

That should never have been allowed.

I swore... I swore a solemn oath to, you know, to obey the Scout Law,

to do my best, to do my duty to God

and Her lovely majestic Majesty the Queen.

Huh. Lived by a code. I were like a samurai warrior.

Yeah, that's... that's you all over.

And then... and then they cast me out.

Why were you cast out?

I don't want to talk about it.

I will say this.

A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line

between his love of scouting and his raging hormones

in the first flushes of sexual adventure.

There are girls!

You're a girl! Shit!

That's an unnatural abomination. This is not how Baden-Powell intended it!

Take that uniform off! You look like a dick!

Shit.

Is he still staring? He's really staring.

He's gone.

Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys.

You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts.

The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts.

First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts.

First time another boy touched my penis.

Scouts? It was in Scouts!

It was in Scouts. Happy, sunlit days is what they were.

Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.

Hi. Ahem. Hi. Ahem! Hi.

What the fuck was that?

Shame on you, Finley!

You've got a visitor.

Handsome barman! Here he is. How you diddling, mate?

Eh? I've brought you some grapes and that.

I haven't brought you any grapes.

How's Jess?

She's dead.

She's not really dead.

I was just trying to make you feel better.

So...

she didn't want to come and see me?

Yes, she did. She wanted to come, but she...

She hates my guts, doesn't she? She doesn't hate your guts, man.

Well, maybe. I don't know. She... Do you... do you know what, man?

Who could ever possibly understand the inner workings...

They've got little fickle minds, mate.

My dad, he used to say to me, you know, he used to say,

"Rudy, women are very much like tractors."

Which I have never understood.

I think it's something, really, to do with potatoes.

That's what it is. Shit.

They're just not like men, seriously.

Hi.

What's this badge for? Fire safety.

I know who to call if there's a fire, then.

You should call the Fire Service,

activate the fire alarm and leave by the nearest emergency exit.

Right, yeah. Good... good to know. You know, always... be prepared.

What about this one?

Global Conservation.

First aid. Road safety.

This one here is for fucking.

Really? They... they give badges for that?

No.

Yeah, I know.

Because of health and safety...

..and AIDS.

Have you ever fucked a Scout before?

Have I?

That would be a... a no.

No, I haven't.

I...I fingered a Girl Guide, though.

Do you mind if I tie you up?

You are full of surprises. Go for it.

I hate to sound like my dad, but are you over 16?

I'm 18. Ah.

What type of knot are you using?

A double constrictor knot, almost impossible to get out of.

Ooh, good choice.

OK. Now lie down.

Right there.

He's ready.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, shit.

- Hi. - Oh!

Shit. Do you want tell me what the fuck is going on?

You are to become one of us.

A Scout? Can't I just fill in a membership form?

You are to become an agent of Satan.

And if I say no?

Oh, shit. Shit.

Then I'll cut out your heart and burn it in hellfire.

Is that a chicken?

Oh, you... you've got the wrong guy.

I'd make a terrible agent of Satan.

I'm... I'm lazy, and... and disorganised,

and ask anyone who knows me, I'm... I'm shit.

Ecce Satanas meo...

sicut ego et ipse regnabit Dominus

super terram

meam tenebris...

Jesus! Fuck!

You killed the chicken!

Lucifer habitabunt in te!

Aah! Aah!

Aah.

You should see his scar.

Dude looks like Action Man. What an handsome barman!

You've seen him? Of course I've bloody seen him.

We're best mates. Some people say...

..we look like brothers. Ahem!

You're best mates? Mm-hm.

Really? Erm... what's his surname?

Kagi... Kagillima.

Kagillima? It's... it's...

it's Wong... Smith.

Wong-Smith? I know. It's ridiculous, innit?

So, you know how the handsome barman saved your life?

Does that cancel him out shagging that girl?

Cos it feels about the same to me.

Why are you so interested?

Because if you stop seeing him, he'll just... he'll leave, won't he?

He'll wander from town to town like The Littlest Hobo.

And, Jess, I don't know whether my fragile heart could ever take any more of...

You're not going to believe what's just happened to me.

Were you bent over double again, sucking yourself off,

bit of pollen's gone up your nose, you've sneezed,

you've bit the tip off your penis...

No!

Oh, come on.

They don't look like agents of Satan.

Of course they don't look like agents of Satan.

Agents of Satan never look like agents of Satan, do they?

Mm.

You don't believe me, do you?

You think it's all just a desperately sad and lonely cry for attention.

Yeah, well, I told them you were capable of anything, mate, so...

Oh, when you come in tied up, covered in chicken blood...

What's that? Chicken blood?

Hm?

It was Finley.

What? It was Finley.

Oh.

Have you been running an illegal slaughterhouse

in my community centre?

No.

If I find out you have been supplying local restaurants

and kebab houses with dodgy meat...

You won't, cos I haven't.

Then we don't have a problem, do we?

No. No.

Pussy.

Hi. It's me.

How do you know where I live?

So, I guess I kind of followed you home from the hospital.

Don't freak out. Look, I don't know what your problem is. I don't care.

So, can you just piss off?

Oh, fuck! Oh!

Fuck!

The door slamming like that. It wasn't an accident.

Well, it was, but it was me.

I've got this power.

I cause accidents. It's a nightmare. Neil said he could make it stop.