Author! Author!

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

- What do you think? - He's not funny.

He seems funny. Everybody's laughing.

I've seen his work maybe 15 times now and he's never made me laugh.

I don't like him.

Maybe that's it. I just don't like him.

How did I do? Oh, that was wonderful.

Wonderful, Fippsy. You really slay me.

- You slay me. - Terrific.

Oh, my God. I really appreciate that coming from you, Mr. Travalian.

- I always overdo. - No, no, no. Good, good, good.

So?

Hey, let me... Let me just talk with him quietly.

You want him?

He's great!

You can't have him.

- Why? - J.J. Hates him.

- What do you want? - Fire him.

- How can I fire him? I can't hire him. - J.J.

- Oh, God. I gotta fire another director. - Call Morris Finestein.

J.J., can I see you?

How he wastes my time.

We seem to have a little problem...

...I thought l'd like to discuss with you.

Hey, Eddie. How goes it?

- Mr. Travalian. You bringing us a hit? - Hope not. Don't wanna spoil my record.

Probably too depressing for Broadway.

You're probably right, Eddie. Catch you later.

I can get you woman. - I'm diseased.

Hello!

Hello! I'm home!

- Hi, Pop. How's it going? - Hey, lg. How about you?

Okay.

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Get away from me. Surprise!

- My birthday. - I forgot my birthday.

Oh, you remembered my birthday.

All right, you guys. I've been kind of busy these days, really.

- Favs! You got me a Favs. All right, come on.

Let me see. Slippers!

Lt's not his birthday, it's mine.

They don't fit. That's okay. Let me see, what's this?

I had a lousy day today. I've turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids...

I forgot to beat my kids.

Hold on! Oh!

I'm coming for you, lgor. You're the one! You're the one!

- Okay. Help! Help me!

Okay. We got him! I've got him!

We got him!

Down he goes!

- Happy birthday, kiddo! - Thanks, kiddo.

- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Ivan.

- Happy birthday, Pop. - Happy birthday, Ivan.

Well, this is great. Only l'm not 43.

You're 43.

- I'm 42, Gloria. - You were 42 last year.

- You're 43, Pop. - 43, Pop.

- How do you know? - I was here last year. I remember!

43 you are, Ivan. I was living here last year too.

Us too, Ivan. Remember? Last year we gave you 42 beach balls.

- One was for good luck. - No.

You look good for your age.

Don't you ever, ever, ever tell me I look good for my age again, Gloria.

Gloria, Gloria.

Gloria!

- You going out? - I gotta meet Kreplich...

...go over this director thing. Is that okay?

Is it okay? Is it okay that you're going out?

Yeah. Sure. Okay.

You are one beautiful chica there, honey chili.

So they tell me.

What say I get back, we get the party lights going?

Pop a little popcorn.

I have always known it would come to this, Blanche.

Gloria, why are you putting the knives, forks...

...spoons and party hats in the refrigerator?

Lt's simple human error.

Don't misinterpret it or blow it out of proportion...

...because you have career anxieties.

Morris! Morris Finestein!

Morris!

What are you doing here? - You gotta do the play.

I will not direct your play.

I do not like this play.

I will not have my name associated with it.

My career is too important. Don't you understand?

I will not do this play. I do not like this play.

- Now, that's a firm decision. I'm begging.

- Want me to beg? - No.

- I'll beg. - Ivan, please!

- I'm on my knees. - You're embarrassing me.

Ivan! Okay, l'll think about it. I'll read it again.

Maybe we can fix the second act, okay? Just get up. Come on.

Take it easy.

Morris Finestein? Yes.

- He didn't like your play. - That's the way he is.

He said to me, "I will not direct this play! I do not like this play!"

This is not lack of enthusiasm, this is a decision.

- He changed his mind. - Now he likes it?

He wants to do it.

I don't understand you. He personally turned me down.

"I will not do this, I do not like this play!"

Look, Larry, Morris Finestein does not like comedy, that's all.

He's an excellent director. He did a wonderful job with...

My Bridgeport trilogy.

Who's Larry?

- Huh? - You called me Larry.

- No, I did not. - You did too.

- I heard you, Daddy. - Heard it too.

- Me too! - Yeah, I heard it too.

- Who's having the wedgie veggies? - Larry is.

My cheese. I love my cheesie.

- Act your age, Bonnie. - I'm 11.

- Act it. - How in the hell do you act 11?

That's better.

I hate this stuff. Why did you bring me here?

Your wife cooks. Why aren't we eating at your house?

Lt's healthy. You'll live longer.

I have a miserable life. I don't want to.

Crap. This is growing in front of my nephew's house in Pound Ridge.

He had it removed, it was choking the lawn.

Where's Gloria anyway?

Working. She's out working.

My father always makes us eat shrubbery.

- Yuck! - Don't say yuck!

Shut up, Geraldo.

Will you shut up? Give me a break.

I'm having a business meeting with Mr. Kreplich...

...that could result in my success...

...which would result in paying your tuitions next year.

Plus piano lessons, plus your saxophone lessons...

...your clothing, your food, your orthodonture...

...and your ball games. Are you getting my point now?

Okay, now, listen to me. Morris Kotzwinkle is the man I want, period.

He may be a total depressive...

...but he's a major, major talent, period.

Who's Kotzwinkle?

What? Out of the question. I called you Mr. Kreplich.

Finestein. You called him Morris Kotzwinkle.

- That's bullshit. - I heard you, Daddy.

- Me too. - No need for me to chime in here.

So who's Kotzwinkle?

- What, what, what, what? - Who's Kotzwinkle?

I'm so depressed.

- Where the hell have you been till 2:00? - Oh, God. You're awake.

- Correcting papers? - Oh, God.

Answer me.

I have been out walking.

That's bullshit.

ivan, would you just... Just let it go, huh?

Fine, l'll be delighted to let it go.

I've been letting it go for nearly a week now. Why not another day?

Fine with me.

Where are you going?

I gotta get up at 8:00 in the morning. I got a meeting.

I need rest. I'm going in with Geraldo and Spike.

No, l'm not going in with them. They both toss.

You sleeping with Larry or what?

What... Who's Larry?

Harry Frankfurt's cousin.

Allan Bomser said he saw you and a guy named Larry Kotzwinkle...

...checking out of the Dorset about 3:00 Tuesday.

I didn't say anything because I didn't think it was true. Now I think it's true.

Larry Kotzwinkle, Gloria.

Think.

That Larry.

One pretzel with salt. Thank you.

Here's your change. Wait up, man!

Thanks.

So, what's up?

In what sense?

How come you picked me up at school?

No reason. Does there always gotta be a reason?

No, just because it's 81 blocks from the house.

Look at you. A teenage kid...

...in the prime of your athleticisexual life and you're eating crap like that.

Like a veritable raccoon.

True. Want a bite?

Don't be ridiculous.

You seen your mother last couple of days?

- She's not my mother. - Like your mother.

- Nevertheless. - Okay, okay. Gloria.

- Have you seen her? - No.

Can I get another pretzel?

Lt's your life, kid.

Are we getting divorced again?

What the hell made you ask me that?

Last time you asked me if I saw my mother...

...and let me get another pretzel, we got divorced.

Really?

- Hey. - Hi.

- Great to have you back. - I wanted to be back.

Do you wanna talk about it?

No, not now. I wanna get some sleep.

Okay.

You wake me up...

...out of a sound sleep...

...after not having been in my bed for three goddamn days...

...and you don't want to talk about it. You wanna get some goddamn sleep.