Uncle Peckerhead

Gather around, everyone. Please, Doris, Diane.

With this being Judy's last morning with us,

I was thinking it'd be nice if we could go around the room

and say what we appreciate most about her. I'll start us off.

Scott, you really don't need to...

Your scones.

Judy, your scones are truly a revelation.

One bite, one crumb can send me places I never before dreamt I could go.

Your flavor combinations are so refined

and, excuse my language, freakin' electric.

Look at me here. I'm babbling on and on.

Doris, is there something you'd like to say?

Sure.

Well, Judy, even though I wouldn't feed your macaroons to my dogs.

I still respect your work ethic and don't wish you any specific harm.

I am so sorry to cut this short.

Doris, a moving tribute.

I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity

to work alongside each one of you.

But I have to go now. My planet needs me. Bye.

I thought her scones were shit.

Gary, come on, dude. That's all wrong, dude.

The Quilt Queens? And the P... whose P is that? Why is there a P...

Amir.

Judy, hi. As you can see, we're busy today so what do you want?

As promised.

Okay. I'll listen to it.

Okay.

What? What? Why are you still here?

Oh, uh. I see Shark Dick just dropped off the Queef Queens show.

Very perceptive. What gave that away?

Have you found a replacement opener yet? Will there be a replacement?

I don't know. I don't know.

Well, you know, we could open.

Listen. I just, it's not a good idea. I don't think that's...

Amir, please.

You said we needed something recorded, so we made a demo.

You said we needed some experience, so we are about to embark on our first tour.

Can you please, just please, listen to the tape before you make a decision?

Fine, fine. Just leave.

Okay.

Just go.

All right. I'll call you later today to see what you think.

If you call me before Friday morning, I'm going to burn the demo.

All right. Friday morning it is.

Goodbye.

Kay. Hi.

Go. Leave.

Yes!

Morning.

It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

Mel. Mel!

This place is still a sty. I thought you two were gonna clean it while I was gone.

I had to replace all my drum heads.

I started to clean

but then I needed to get high cause I hate cleaning.

But then I got tired cause weed makes me sleepy.

Then I needed to sleep, so I slept.

I'm sorry.

Band meeting. Kitchen.

Let's go. Up, up, up!

Okay. So... jobs quit, bags packed, merch

boxed, guitars strung, drum heads replaced.

Tour route mapped.

Six shows, seven days, with the possibility

of a seventh show back here with...

Mel, drum roll, please.

The Queef Queens.

The House of Independents show?

The very same.

Shut up.

No way.

Yes, way. And we all know who drums for the Queef Queens, right?

No.

Yes. Jenn Jennings.

And we all know Jenn Jennings' claim to fame, right?

No.

Also, no.

She is owner, operator of Alliteration Records.

Oh, man. Alliteration has such an awesome roster of bands.

Yeah.

In the past year alone, they've put out the Brain Busters LP, the Acid Cat EP,

and two seven inches from Turd Toilet.

And the soon to be released debut album from DUH.

Precisely.

We open for the Queef Queens.

Jenn Jennings sees us, Jenn Jennings loves us.

I give Jenn Jennings our demo.

Jenn Jennings offers us a record deal.

We no longer have to work shit jobs

and we just get to tour and make music for the rest of our lives.

Fuckin' A. Yeah!

I wouldn't celebrate just yet, or ever.

Life has a way of dangling these small carrots of opportunity

in front of our faces,

ready to completely destroy and dismantle any hope in sight.

The world is chaos. And, though together, we are alone to suffer.

Okay. Everybody up. Up, c'mon.

We're going on tour, yeah! We're going on tour, yeah! We're going on tour, yeah!

Okay. Max.

I don't want us to look like a bunch of amateurs on our very first tour,

so let's practice some stage banter.

Right now?

Yes.

Why?

Because you suck at talking.

Mm-hm. Let's role play.

Pretend we just finished our first song.

What would you say?

Okay. Uh... hi, I'm Max and I'm here to say, uh

we're in the band DUH, and we're playing right now.

And, um... we hope you all like music...

Um... our music, uh, cause, you know, music's special, um,

and you're special for being here with us tonight.

Okay. Please stop.

Why? What's wrong with that... Whoa!

Yikes.

Aw. Jesus, Max. Are you okay?

Yeah, all good. Face broke the fall.

Aw. Now, where is the van?

Huh. Uh... oh, I see it.

Shit.

No, no, no. Stop! Do not get in that van! I'm coming!

That's weird. Do we know those guys?

The van's getting repoed, dumb-ass.

Please, don't! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Goddammit!

My one-hitter was in there. Fuck.

Why is this happening?

Guys, we can fix this. We can. I think. Probably.

I warned us last night. The world is cruel and unforgiving.

Shit.

Now that I think about it, the creditors were calling a lot last week.

Fuuuuuuu...

Okay. Last one.

Say a little prayer.

Now, the waiting game.

Hey!

Keep walking.

Hey, is this you?

You the kids that just tagged my windshield?

Uh... yes.

That is my property. You are soliciting on private property.

We're sorry, sir.

Mm-hm.

Now, what's the meaning of this?

Okay. We didn't know you were in there, so I'll just take this...

Now, what do you guys need a van for?

Cause of the man, man.

Yeah. And we need it pronto so that our band can go on tour.

You guys are in a band?

Yeah.

Oh shit. You guys rip?

Well, I believe we do. Yeah.

Oh. Right on.

Well, does that mean that we can borrow your van?

Well, no.

Full disclosure, that van back there also happens to be my home for the moment.

You see, in this cut-throat, capitalistic world in which we now live,

your boy has fallen on hard times.

The game is rigged and I am but a casualty.

A victim.

But I am hopeful.

Hey. I can drive y'all.

I can roadie, too. I mean, every touring band needs a roadie. Don't they?

Ju... just throw me a few bucks and pay for gas and what-not.

Well, we could leave right now. What do you say?

Um, not that I care, but who is the man driving the mystery van?

Oh. That's, um...

Sorry, I didn't get your name.

My name's Peckerhead.

What?

Peck-er-head.

That is not your name.

Well, that is what my daddy called me til the day he died.

Peckerhead's giving us a ride in his van.

You can call me Peck. My friends call me Peck.

I'll stick with Peckerhead. Thanks.

Ladies' choice.

Well, Peck, on behalf of the entire band, it is wonderful to have you on board.

And now it's tour time.

Hey.

Hey. Uh, we're running a little late and I don't wanna piss off the promoter.

Any chance you could go, I don't know, like,

ten miles above the speed limit when we're back on the road?

I'm afraid not, Judy pie.

You see, this highway is teeming with patrolmen

who wouldn't take kindly to a bunch of punks.

Yo. Find anything, detective?

All aboard.

Locked?

Glad we hauled ass.

I thought load-in was at 5:00?

That's what the promoter said.

So, how did you guys come up with the name DUH?

Uh, James Taylor was already taken.

Someone's here.

Um, hello, sir.

You with the band?

Uh, yeah. Judy. Hi.