30 Rock

Lemon.

I just got my bridesmaid's dress

For Cerie's wedding.

It is a vietnamese size two.

Dressing up isn't any easier for men.

Do you know what it's like when a younger man shows up

wearing the same cufflinks?

You might as well be invisible.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna let this dress win.

I have a plan. This morning, I joined--

- A suicide cult! - A gym.

What do you want, Jack?

I just received a call from Don Geiss'

estate lawyer.

Apparently, I've been named in his will.

I know this is a difficult time for you,

But word of advice:

If the will says that you have to spend the night

in a haunted house, you better hope

that everybody else there is black guys and sluts.

I just want something to remember the man by.

- Okay. - His pen or his tie clip.

Maybe that boyhood sled he held so dear.

I believed he called it...

Sleddy.

Something which I, in turn,

Can then pass on to my... Protege.

any chance it's one of those

Bendy hospital beds?

Maybe. He did have three.

he was such an amazing man.

Before we rehearse,

I have an announcement to make.

Our boy Grizz is getting married on may 22nd.

Jeez, another wedding.

Life is like tv.

Testing tells us that people like weddings, births,

And episodes where a character dies.

That's dumb.

My heart!

So I thought Grizz might want to take this time

To announce who's gonna be his best man.

Um...I haven't decided yet.

"um, I haven't decided yet."

You sound like my mother

Talking to the planned parenthood lady.

Seriously, which one of your rich and famous friends

With hepatitis b are you going to pick?

Let's not do this in front of everybody.

Let's not do this in front of everybody?

You sound like my mother being pulled onstage

At a 2 live crew concert.

Damn.

My mother had problems.

Oh, brother, we have to tell Jenna

We can't do her Kardashian sketch

Because Jack is "bros" with Lamar Odom.

you are such a coward!

you think I care what you think?

Hey, Jenna!

So look, we can't do the Kardashian sketch.

Okay, I understand.

Pete, there you are you.

I heard one of your kids broke his arm.

Oh, uh, yeah.

The shed I built collapsed on him.

Well, is he gonna be okay?

What's going on?

Why are you being so happy and nice?

Are you soaking your tampo in vodka again?

Because the glue is abrasive.

But I'm really happy.

Is there any chance

This might make our lives easier?

No way. I have seen this 100 times.

She gets psyched about some guy,

He reveals himself to be crazy,

Then there's a terrible breakup,

And we suffer.

Remember when she dated that sniper?

And so it's over.

Jenna, there's a laser sight on your forehead.

Oh, please. He's not gonna fire.

For god's sakes, he's scared of his own mother!

Aren't cha, alan?

Aah!

Whoever this new guy is,

We need to figure out his deal

Before she gets burned and takes it out on us.

Tell me about it.

Remember this breakup, when she bit me?

Pete, that was, like, two years ago.

It just won't heal.

That concludes mr. Geiss' financial disbursements.

I believe all have been accounted for.

His daughter. His lovely wife.

His even lovelier mistress.

The secret canadian family.

And his even more secret attic family.

L that remains are a few personal items.

"to my daughter cathy,

"I bequeath my pocket watch.

"it comes with very specific instructions for care,

"the most important of which

Is to not let the piece get wet."

"to my protege and friend, john francis donaghy,

"I leave a gift

"from the gardens of my estate in connecticut.

My beloved pet peacock, argus."

Hello, old friend.

Ugh! Vietnamese size two.

Beth, I hope it wasn't awkward for you

When tracy brought up my wedding.

Why would it be awkward?

Because of our sexual past.

Leave it open. I'd feel safer.

How could I help you, Grizz?

Well, tracy keeps pushing...

To be your best man.

Yeah, I noticed that.

But I wanna pick dotcom and...

And you're afraid that tracy will freak out.

So you want me to help you convince him to step aside.

You know my every thought, beth.

We really were the sam and diane of this place.

no.

Liz, pete,

I want you to meet someone.

This is my boyfriend paul.

- Pete hornberger. - Hey.

But you can call me dallas.

this could be the start of something for me.

It's really nice to meet you,

And I'm a big fan of the show.

Yeah, so, paul, what's your deal?

How did you guys meet?

Through a mutual fund.

Friend, Jenna.

Oh, of course. Through a friend fund.

Noted.

And what do you do for a living, paul?

Oh, I work for a bank.

...Rupt circus.

He works for a bankrupt circus.

Okay, he's hiding something.

I'm guessing...

Already-married cat strangler.

Hmm.

Hey, could I just get a signa--

Agh! Living dinosaur!

Lemon.

This is argus.

He was a gift from Don Geiss.

Don's last gift, to be exact.

Why did Don Geiss have a peacock?

Is that an nbc thing?

No, Don owned argus long before he bought nbc.

Peacocks can live up to 40 years,

Longer if they're not part of mike tyson's home zoo.

Ohh, what a weird gift.

Not at all.

When Don was first taking me under his wing,

He and I would sit on the veranda

Of his home in connecticut,

Talking about business, politics,

How to avoid getting paper cuts while making love

On a pile of money.

And our friend argus would strut proudly through the garden.

We three peacocks felt like we owned the world.

Well, that's a--

how did he get up here so quick?

You know, I never told anybody this before, Lemon,

But Don and I had nicknames for each other.

Like we might someday, j-town?

We called each other sempai and kohai.

Master and pupil.

Terms we learned on a trip to japan

Because they played the movie rising sun on the airplane.

Don was my sempai.

Now this bird is... All that remains.

Jack, I'm really sorry for your--

Oh, his feather went in my mouth.

Ew, it's so oily.

Lemon, he's marked you.

He thinks you're his wife.

Go! Get out.

yah!

Hey, tracy.

Grizz and I were just talking.

Of course. You guys are very close.

Continue.

And we had an amazing idea.

We thought that maybe, at the wedding,

You could be the lead singer of the band.

Really? I'd be awesome at that.

You would.

Now, of course you couldn't sing and--

But who's gonna tell you two?

The wedding band is u2?

No! You two idiots!