This Way Up

Car, bar, far.

Yes, exactly.

Now, English people, cos they're weird,

Car, bar, far.

"Dat would be groit."

"That would be great."

Richard... you have to hear Etienne's Irish accent.

"Dat would be groit."

Oy... Ugh...

Oh, my God, is that glitter and a tenner?

It's a card from my mum, it's for my birthday.

Aww. God, can't really imagine you being a child.

Like, I feel like you came out with a strong, serious jawline

and an opinion on Chekhov.

Listen, I'm not the one wearing red cowboy boots nowhere near a ranch.

- Oh, zing! - Mm-hm.

Look at you, giving me that drag queen shade.

Mm, no. No, I didn't understand most of that.

So, what are your birthday plans, then?

Yeah, probably head into town,

get some shots, hit the clubs, you know?

Hey, Etienne, you want to come to a nightclub?

I'm busy.

Just me, then.

So, what age are you, then?

- 46. - Ooh.

- How old did you think I was? - 70.

No, well...

- 72. - 72?

Mm-hm.

So...

46 too old for you, then?

What, for me to live until?

Er, well... No... You know...

Yeah, I know, yeah. Erm...

Well, I mean, it's all about vibes, Richard, isn't it?

Vibes. - Yeah. - OK.

I don't read books, Richard, I read vibes.

Make me a cup of tea, will you?

Well, on that note, make me a cup of tea, will you, Richard?

Right, what's next, then? Four-letter words?

Ah, no avocado? No way!

An avocado shortage? Oh, it's imperative, Vish.

To what do I owe this displeasure, then?

I think Shona's dead or just late, I only have a plan for the former.

- For what? - For a dance class we're going to.

- Yeah, Shona's not going to a dance class. - We are!

She promised me, and it was expensive,

- so I don't know where she is. - Shona's with Charlotte, as usual.

You can go on your own,

it's not Noah's ark, you've don't have to go in pairs.

I can't go in on my own, I'm not stupid.

- I go to the gym on my own every day. - Point proven, then. - Ha.

Hey, are you excited about the weekend?

I am excited about this sandwich

and I am terrified about the weekend.

- All right, go dance! - Yeah, I am, I am.

- Bye. - Bye.

Grand, thanks. Bye.

Er, sorry.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God!

I don't think you were going to be in this evening.

- Oh, hi, Emma. - Hi. - You're back. - Yeah.

Yeah, she just wanted to come round and watch a bit of telly.

- Oh, right, yeah, is your TV broken? - No, no. Er... - No. No.

Erm, but if you... Do you not have any pants on?

- Oh, no, I am, yeah, no, they're under there. - Oh.

So, there you go.

- What's that smell? - Oh, it's probably my pants, Bradley.

- No, it smells like bread or something. - Yeah, exactly!

Oh, I'm making a cake!

- Yeah, baking a cake. Erm... - Who for?

Erm... Just a friend whose birthday it is.

Mm. Come on, tell old Bradley who this friend is.

I mean, can a woman not bake a cake for a gentleman friend without...

I've literally never seen you bake before, so...

I mean, well, I've had no-one to cook for.

- Including yourself. - No one that I like, then.

Shall we go and watch TV now, Bradley?

Yeah, but we're not going to rush, are we?

Well, I probably only have an hour

before I'm too sleepy to do anything.

- I do need to sleep, actually. - Yep. - Yes. - Very tired.

So I'm just going to get this cake out.

Oh-ho-ho!

- Oh, I see you smiling in there! - I'm not smiling.

Hey. Sorry I missed the dance thing.

Yeah, I know. I felt like an absolute no-pals dumbo.

Well, you know, I'm trying to fix the world, Aine. Takes a minute.

What's up?

Nothing's up, I just wanted to see how my womb-mate was on our big day.

- You know, we haven't spoken in ages. - Is everything OK?

Yeah, everything's OK.

So, I made a cake for Richard.

It might be a bit much, but it's his birthday,

but I think yesterday he might actually have tried to ask me out?

Oh, Aine, just don't get overexci...

Shit! Sorry!

- Just be careful. - Ah, Shona, don't be silly.

You can't question every decision in life, it's too short.

Oh, also, I sent you two pictures of the things I might wear this evening

and you haven't replied yet, so...

Just don't wear a silky shirt and pastel pants, OK?

Cos I'm wearing that and we'll look like leftover Nolans.

- All right, see you later, bye. - Bye.

- Is that not working? - Well, troubleshoot.

- I don't understand what's going on. - Troubleshoot?

Let's just Bluetooth it.

You say that like you know what you're talking about!

- Hi. - Aine.

Nous avons classe aujourd'hui?

Er, no. C'est un surprise visit.

I made your dad a cake.

- Pourquoi? - Why? It can be from the two of us if you want.

- Non. - Non? What do you mean, non? Non. Where is he, anyways?

- There's a woman here. - What woman? Who woman? What woman?

Aine, hey. I wasn't expecting you.

Did you leave something here or are we...?

Why are you here?

Hello. - Erm... - Hi.

- What's this? - Erm...

Happy birthday!

Richard!

I didn't know it was your birthday!

I probably should have known. I know everything else about you.

- And you made a cake for him? - Yeah.

If you can believe it now,

this wasn't actually made in a professional bakery.

That's... Er... God...

I can't remember the last time someone made me a cake.

It's actually from myself and Etienne.

It was Etienne's idea, really. Etienne wanted to do it.

There you go, Etienne,

now give your dad the cake that you wanted to give to him.

There you go.

Aww, look at that.

Aww, thanks, Etienne. That's...

- Sorry, you are...? - God, sorry. - Oh, God, sorry...

This is the tutor.

- I'm Aine. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm the tutor. - I'm Barbara.

Etienne's English has gotten so good.

- Mm. - You, you're doing a fab job.

She... She really is.

Yeah, I'm doing a job.

Well, listen, I hope it doesn't have a soggy bottom.

A what?

She knows.

That was very funny.

- It's a reference to The Great British Bake Off. - Yeah.

Erm, right, well, happy birthday,

lovely to meet you, but I've got to get to class,

- and stay out of trouble, you madman! Bye! - Bye.

Mmm...

Let me make you cum. - Huh? - Come on.

- No. No, no, no. - Come on, you didn't let me last time, either.

No, I don't need to, it's fine.

- Just hold me instead. - All right.

Will you stroke my arm?

That's a new approach.

Yeah.

Do you want to go again?

Are you all right?

Yeah. What are you...?

Yeah, I'm grand. Just...

Hey. Erm...

Can I ask you something?

Yes. Yes, Freddie.

You may look Madonna in the eye and ask her a question.

Were you in rehab a few months back?

What? No, you idiot.

Who told you that?

Well, Charlotte mentioned it.

Don't worry, she only told me

because she assumed that I'd have known.

Which, in fairness, I should have.

No, it was like a spa, not rehab, God.

- And you didn't need to know because we'd broken up. - So you were?

- No... - Jesus, Aine, you should have told me, I still love you.

No, I was just tired, it was just a break, I just needed a break.

- What do you mean, you still love me? - Well, of course I love you.

In, like, the way...

You know the way.

Jesus.

Aine, was it really a spa? I mean, you...

You didn't do anything to yourself, did you? Charlotte mentioned...

Oh, fuck Charlotte!

What the fuck does Charlotte know, the gossipy bitch?

I'm grand. God, I'm grand. God.

No need to be so dramatic, we're not in an episode of EastEnders.

Hey, don't joke with me.

Honestly, I'm grand, Charlie's just got the wrong end of the stick.

God, I honestly... I could kill Shona.

It's so stupid. It was a spa, Freddie.

Like, you know, like a retreat thing.

Like, there was Jacuzzis and stuff.

OK.

God, Shona... Actually, do you know what?

I actually... I've got Shona's thing, so I have to scoot.

Can I borrow a cardigan? The thing I'm wearing is just a bit light.