Sex Education

["I TOUCH MYSELF" BY SCALA & KOLACNY BROTHERS PLAYING]

My God! How?

By magic, of course.

Fuck!

I'll be ten minutes, love.

Not now.

-Ah! Mum! -Otis!

Oh, I'm sorry! Ah!

-What? -Fuck! Stop!

I forgot my wallet.

["SEXUAL HEALING" BY THE HOT 8 BRASS BAND PLAYING]

-What happened yesterday... -Mum.

...is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Masturbating is normal and healthy,

and I am so proud that you are at this stage of your pubescent development.

Okay, great. Can we please not talk about it?

However, there is a time and a place for such a...

-private activity. -Mum!

And I'm not sure the car, it being a shared space,

is the most appropriate choice for such an event to occur.

Understood.

Revealing one's genitalia in public is also a criminal offense.

I will not do it again.

I promise.

Also, I've noticed you've been taking very long showers lately.

Now, I know that the bathroom is a...

safe environment in which to enjoy oneself,

but I live here too,

and I also need hot water.

So if you could please...

keep that in mind.

-Will do. -Isn't it wonderful,

how we've been talking so much more openly and honestly lately?

- -I have got to go.

Bye, darling.

Love you.

The coast is clear.

Thank you.

We have to tell them, Jean.

We will, just not yet.

Things have only just...

settled down between Otis and I, and...

Well, he's not ready yet.

Okay, but soon.

Mmm.

I think I have a problem.

My body has complete control over me.

You have discovered the wonders of your own penis, my friend.

It's normal.

It's not normal.

Last night I looked at some cheese, and I got an erection.

What type of cheese?

-Brie. -

But I swear, it could have been anything.

The other day, I was riding my bike, and I get a boner out of nowhere.

Nothing but trees around me.

Corduroy trousers?

-Yeah, how did you know? -Too much friction.

Why are you wanking so much? You've got a girlfriend now.

-Ola and I are taking things slow. -Dude,

you have the untapped sexual knowledge of a tantric master.

-What are you waiting for? -I don't know.

It's a lot of pressure, all right?

I have all the theory, but in practice, I know nothing.

So what if Ola finds out about your wank problem?

I thought you said it was normal?

Oh, shit.

Enjoy the poverty shuttle!

I know. I need to be better.

You want that sports scholarship, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, push yourself a bit harder, and we'll be halfway there.

I need to get to assembly, okay?

Still no news from Maeve then?

Nope. That is okay.

It's a new term. No more clinic, no more drama.

You can't give it up.

Think of all the status you're throwing away.

Knowing everyone's secret sex shame isn't going to make me popular.

No, it's going to make you all-powerful.

Um, maybe don't mention the whole clinic thing to Ola.

-She might think it's weird. -'Cause it was weird.

-Hey. -Hi.

Oh, you guys are super cute, but stop now, it's disgusting.

How are you feeling? You nervous?

Yeah, a little bit.

-Is there anything I should know about? -Um, no, not really.

Nothing interesting ever happens around here.

There's a plague!

Don't let them breathe on you.

Why does it look like The Walking Dead in here?

-What is going on? -Chlamydia. Everyone's got it.

One for a fiver, three for ten.

You can't catch chlamydia from the air. You have to have had sexual contact

-with a carrier. Ssh!

They don't know that, do they? Don't kill my business, man.

Simon. Simon! That is highly unethical.

I've got to go and meet my chaperone, but I've got a free period after lunch.

-So do I. -Do you want to hang at mine?

Yes. Yes, let's hang.

-Okay, see you later. -Let's hang. See you.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah! Yeah! -Stop that.

We all know what "hang" is code for.

It is time to put the theory into practice, my friend.

-You never know-- Oh, my God. -Sex kid! I think I've got chlamydia,

and I read that I should rub bleach on my vagina, is that true?

I'm not giving out advice anymore, but do not rub bleach

anywhere on your body.

-Go to your GP. -Excuse me. Otto.

Can one get chlamydia of the eye?

Okay, it's Otis,

and if infected genital fluids got into your eye, then, yes,

you can have chlamydia of the eye.

But I've never had sex.

It's probably conjunctivitis,

but I'm not giving advice anymore, so go to your doctor, please.

-Uh, you have to help them. -Why, it's...

-It's not the same without Maeve. -Why? Her job is so easy.

It's just booking appointments and taking money. I'll do it for you.

I got a B plus in business studies last year.

-You never did business studies. -That's irrelevant.

Let me guess, you think you have chlamydia?

No. My girlfriend says my cum tastes like kimchi.

Why do I have a fermented dick?

Well, the taste of semen varies from person to person.

I can only suggest you have a healthy and balanced diet.

However, I'm not giving advice anymore, so you'll have to get help somewhere else.

Admit it. You like giving advice.

Listen, Maeve has moved on, and so have I. That's it.

-Okay? End of story. -Oh!

Why are you running from your true calling?

-I'm not running. -It's literally in your DNA, Otis.

Otis!

Yes, we are fully aware of the outbreak.

I can assure you it's, uh...

BOY, SCREAMING: Oh! My dick!

...under control.

- -Ah, can I call you back, Mrs. Hanratty?

Thank you so much.

The chairman of the board is here. She's heard about the situation.

Show her in.

Quickly! Quickly! And take that thing off.

-Ah! Maxine! What a pleasure to see you. -In a bit of a pickle, are we?

Pick...

No, no, no. Everything is completely under control.

I don't want to see "Moordale Chlamydia Outbreak"

as a headline in the papers tomorrow.

So, what are we doing to neutralize this?

W...

Hm. Well, I am organizing an...

emergency parents' assembly tonight.

Uh, we will nip this in the bud.

Very good.

I'm walking now.

Call all the parents, emergency assembly tonight.

I'm looking for my chaperone.

Hello, I'm Lily.

Oh. I love Tank Girl.

Yeah. It's criminally underrated.

There's two black-hooded rats mating in the biology lab,

if you wanted to go and see after assembly.

They have surprisingly large phalluses.

Okay.

Apparently Fiona Brady is patient zero.

She had an orgy at music camp, and it spread from there.

It is highly unlikely that this many people have chlamydia.

I think this is a classic case of mass hysteria.

What the fuck are you doing? You stood on my foot.