Uncoupled

Happy birthday, baby.

I believe I just got you and your year off

to a pretty great start.

- And I thought I said no gifts.

- Hey, I prepped your birthday breakfast,

but my showing got moved up by an hour,

so you'll have to finish without me...

for the second time today.

- That's okay. I'm not very hungry.

Having a really hard time with this birthday.

Oh, come on. I mean, 50?

50 is so young.

- The only time people use "50" and "so young"

in the same sentence is at a funeral.

- Sorry, I have no time to indulge a hot, virile,

super-successful dude in a bonkers pity party.

You really are so handsome.

- And you're a really cute liar.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, ah, I gotta bounce.

Okay, the reservation is at 7:30.

My last showing is at 6:00,

so I'll just meet you at the restaurant.

- Okay. - I'll text you the address.

Oh, I'm glad it's just the two of us tonight.

A nice cozy little celebration

of the milestone that dare not speak its name.

I love you, old-timer.

Yes, Eric, we'll be there at 7:30 on the dot.

Everyone knows they have to be there by 7:15

or wait until 8:00.

Oh, and reminder about the lighting: dim, dim, dim.

This is a 50th birthday.

Thanks. - Oh, hey.

Quick, before we meet the clients,

with or without the scarf?

So without.

Even with this neck?

It's not too "gobble, gobble"?

- You crazy. - Oh!

And in other bad news,

Tyler Hawkins got the Beresford listing.

Are you kidding?

They went with that smug, entitled millennial over us?

That is just the cherry

on the shit parfait that is my life lately.

I went out with that guy that I met on Hinge.

- Yeah? - Suffice it to say

they should really rename that app Unhinge.

The psycho bastard told me

I would be so hot if I lost ten pounds

but I could still sit on his face anyway.

- So chivalry's not dead. - Funny.

Oh, how's the party prep?

Colin remotely suspicious?

- Nope. He thinks we're going to dinner, just the two of us.

- Mm! - He is going to be blown away.

We've re-created the whole Limelight

from when we first met.

I walked into this club... - Mm.

I saw Colin, and I thought--

He's the one.

No, I thought,

"How can I find a way to rub up on his ass

and look like I'm just dancing?"

- Can't believe it's been 17 years.

- Oh, and you're still not married?

Smart. - That's my secret.

He's my BFF: my boyfriend forever.

B-A-R-F.

- Wow. - Seriously.

A handsome, stand-up guy who's also a hedge fund manager?

Who do I have to blow to get me one of those?

- Him, actually. - Ah.

Oh, here they come.

Hey, you two. We are so excited about 12G.

Excuse me.

Um...

Hey, Carmen, what's up?

Hey, why don't you guys go up?

I'll be right there in just a sec.

Wait, Car, are you sure? What did they take?

They're in there creaming over the rain forest shower.

We got robbed.

- What? - Yeah.

The housekeeper said they took clothes

and wine and--what else-- a Sonos speaker

and Hermès towels that are too nice to actually use.

- Sounds like somebody's having a gay yard sale.

- - So...

Are we ready to change ZIP codes?

- I'm standing right out front. He'll be here any second.

- Is everyone in position? - Yes!

It's Limelight here! - Great. That's very exciting.

Oh, my God, I can't wait!

- Oh, please. No squealing, Eric.

You're the reason blue states turn red.

Oh, here he is. Gotta go. Bye.

Hey, birthday boy.

Gosh, the tension in your shoulders

is off the charts.

What's going on?

- So where's this restaurant? I don't see any signs.

It's right up here.

And there are no signs. It's very exclusive.

There might even be a password.

Who knows? -

- Hey, I left three messages for you, never heard back.

Did you check out the apartment?

We weren't robbed.

- Oh, but Carmen said all that stuff went missing.

Suzanne thinks that it might be an inside job--

- Michael, Michael. We weren't robbed.

I took my clothes and some things,

and I moved out.

all: Surprise!

- Here, baby. Congrats. It is fabulous.

Yeah.

Mikey, this is Wyatt.

- Hi. - Happy birthday.

- No, no, no, no. That's Colin, sweetie.

Remember I told you?

This is Michael. He's my best friend.

We went to high school together.

- Hi. - It's his partner's.

- Oh, right. I'm so sorry. It was a pretty quick tutorial.

How adorable is he?

He couldn't name three Cher songs.

I mean, isn't she, like, 80?

- Yeah, but she's got your abs, so respect.

- Hey, Billy, I'm gonna go find--

Hello, Michael, Billy,

and I assume Billy's new child bride.

Wyatt, this is Stanley.

He's a very successful art dealer,

a much less successful homo.

- Um, we don't really use that word.

- Guys, I really need to go find--

- Go, go, go. Do your host thing.

- Okay. - And relax, sweetie.

You look more shocked than Colin.

- Yay, you pulled it off. - Hey.

- I assume he never saw it coming?

He never suspected a thing.

Hey, Kai. - Hey.

So I'm guessing not a ton

of straight women here under 30?

- Kai, you're with your mother tonight.

Can we please give the pussy patrol the evening off?

Such a great party!

We danced. We did poppers. We're young again.

Look at you.

Hi, Suzanne.

Who's your hot date?

My son, you perv.

Kai, meet Jonathan and Jonathan.

- The Jonathans. - That's funny.

- So you guys ready for the big snip?

- Oh, that's right. They have a baby boy.

- And the bris is in a couple days,

and Michael and Colin are the godfathers.

Aww. Congratulations.

- Sorry, I just need to talk to--

- Oh, honey. We're having the best time.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Aw.

You know, I have to admit,

when you first moved in with Colin,

it was kind of a curveball for me.

But over the years,

seeing how much you two love each other, well...

Thanks, Dad.

- FYI, a curveball is a baseball pitch

that doesn't come at you the way you expect.

Good evening!

In honor of Colin's big night,

Michael asked if Marc and I

could come up with some kind of musical tribute.

Apparently, Michael thinks,

because we've won a couple of Tonys,

can whip up a new tune in no time.

And he was right!

both: Hey, Colin, hey, Colin, look around

- All your friends are older, six feet in the ground

- Hey, Michael, how horny you must be

- 'Cause now his nightly moves

Are just to get up and pee

both: As a couple, you're both so engaging

- You'll be loving till death do you part

- But at the rate, Michael, that Colin's aging

both: Tomorrow you may get a brand-new start

Hey, Colin, welcome to your 50s

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - Everybody!

all: Oh, Colin, welcome to your 50s

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Go, Colin, go, go, go

Whoo!

Would you like a drink?

- Hey, I really need to talk to--

[Whitney Houston's "And I Will Always Love You" playing]