Archer

So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.

- Are you kidding? - Come on.

Where do you get paper towels? And last item.

On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries.

- First the towels, now this. - Come on.

Eight percent, across the board.

Jeez. And let's just put a lid on it.

Do we have to supply our own lids? Look, I didn't invent the economy.

And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices 50...

Line one for you. It's your furrier.

Unbelievable.

We have to cut back... But you're buying new horseshoes.

Tell him to send over the gray fox.

See? Sacrifice.

At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

Yeah, and your horse, with his fancy new shoes.

Oh, for the... That's a farrier. I know.

And this is Conrad Schlotz.

Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services.

Videotex? Wow, growth industry. So he's worth billions.

And I want to convince him to invest in ISIS.

Well, that's gonna be a tough sell.

Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so...

That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril.

Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. No?

Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?

No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction...

...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for...

Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!

Clormatrazapam?

No. No, I would not.

So unless you want me to send you back... I will start cooking the books.

Good thing you know how to cheat. What?

Enough. Now, then, this is a two-prong operation.

The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo.

Derby Day wore that exact same hat. Shock.

Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping...

...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.

Ach, Gstaad. Gstaad?

Oh, yeah, count me in. Yeah, and me out.

I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

Who obviously needs someone on her constantly.

So I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

Oh, please. Tongue back in.

For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17.

Oh. Ew. Sorry. Even for you, Archer.

Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.

No, she looks like she's just turning 18.

Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...

Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch a single hair on that girl.

Uh... See? How I let that just go by?

Look at me.

I am the perfect gentleman.

No. This is completely unacceptable.

I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray.

Oh, I'll be gentle.

Mother, you know what he's implying, right?

Stop whining. We're all making do. Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana.

Hooray. And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

Yeah, and if money's so damn tight, why is she even here?

She's making me mule back a bunch of this crap.

That crap is $300 a bottle...

...and you can't get it in America, so not another sip.

The rest of you, make room in your luggage for 10 liters apiece.

Unbelievable. I know.

What kind of limit is that?

Good, you are here, Frau Archer.

Ha, ha. It's Fräulein Archer. She added desperately.

And these are my top agents, who are ready to lay down their lives...

...to protect your, um, lovely daughter.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Ja, but if it does...

Let's hope not. ...you must protect mein princess.

Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away.

Oh, you poor thing. You're a widower?

Oh, like you didn't... Know!

No. No.

What is wrong with you? Did no one just see that?

Jumpy, eh?

Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer.

No, she does.

My Anka? What do you mean? Oh, right.

Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy.

What? She is only 16, you schwein.

No, I know. I'm not...

Not to come near her again.

Come on. And the rest of you, get to work.

Come, Anka. Uh...

Well, I hope you're happy. No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.

Ugh! Now, that is just... Ew!

- Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance. - What?

What what? Didn't you see that? I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager.

No, you didn't, because I wasn't.

Whatever. Go wash up, dirty bird.

I wasn't eye-banging her. Man, I was.

What? Jeez, I'm only human.

Are you?

That stinks. So don't smell it.

Don't smell it.

Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning.

He started it. He started it.

Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?

I should have asked myself the same thing about you two.

Meaning what? Meaning you left me for my brother.

Your twin brother.

So obviously, I still find you very attractive, baby.

And I have good news.

Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad...

Archer? Archer?

It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her.

So we go with my plan. Your plan stinks more than that cheese.

I think that smell is them.

But even they smell better than your stupid plan.

We go with my plan. Fine.

You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine.

You want little Countess von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine.

Oh, and as for you, Ray...

...Sterling Archer may be many things, but he's not—...

Fine? Oh, I think he is very fine.

No, no, Anka, you can't be in here. Anka?

Mr. Archer, how familiar.

You must address me by title:

Countess von Fingerbang.

No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before...

Shit. Before the cops show up.

Or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland? Pikemen?

I don't know. I am from Germany, Where the age of consent is 14.

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

In many ways, yes, but we can talk about that in bed.

No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...

Hand over the girl, cochino.

And that is just it for today on people calling me a freaking pig.

Holy shit. Did you see that?

I saw you save my life. No, I...

Well, maybe a little, but... And I know just how to repay you.

Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.

- Bad touch. - You schwein.

So does this look as bad as it looks? I will let the gendarmes decide that.

So they're not pikemen. Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened.

Papa, he lured me. What?

Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. What? No, I...

I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire.

Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein.

Oh, come on, did you not see that?

Sterling, you promised.

And yet here you stand...

...as a fortune walks away, with your wedding tackle...

...stuffed into your shaving kit.

"Schwein" doesn't even touch it. Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother.

I saved her life. Go ask that dick I set on fire.

And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!

Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.

**** you, Switzerland.

You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath...

...interrogated by gendarmes.

Oh. Three stitches in my penis. So, yep, it's all breaking my way.

Just stay out of my way.

I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with ISIS...

...and failing that, in bed with...

Don't say it. I'm in enough pain.

Yeah, the entire hotel's talking about your little shaving accident.

And if you wanna get Schlotz into you... Phrasing.

...you better start eating strudel. Major chubby chaser.

Well, a lot of that's muscle. Let's hope not.

Because you get strong arms growing up on a dairy farm.

A dairy farm? Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch.

No, it... They had a big cheese rodeo.

It was Poovey Farms. I also was raised on a dairy farm.

You're shitting me. What was your breed?

Friesians. We had Holsteins.

Jeez, they're like... Wow. Cousins.

Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty for some milk.

And as luck has it, there is some chilling in mein suite.

Well, let's get some.

Don't wait up. Ugh.

Ugh. That is so classic her.

Chasing a billionaire while we could be surrounded by terrorists.

We don't know what they look like. Spoiler alert.

One doesn't have skin on his face. Meaning?

Meaning I set one on fire?

Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Well, obviously before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

And I didn't touch her, Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous.

Whatever.

How is your Wilhelm? Aah!

Should I kiss it and make it better? No, you should get away from me.

Look, I'm serious. You need help.

You need help, Archer. She came up to me.

Ray, what is a...?

What did you call it? "Blowjob"? What?

Shame on you. Fie and shame. I didn't—...

And it's something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up.

Now, raus, you mouse. Get ready for our ski lesson.

She's giving you a ski lesson? No, I'm giving her one.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.