All in the Family

* I stepped out of a dream *

* I am too wonderful to me, I seem *

Oh!

Oh!

You remember Beverly La Salle, Mike.

Beverly? Gee, how are you?

I didn't recognize you without your dress on.

Two guys were just mugged down on the corner.

Now, I didn't see it,

but someone said that one of the guys looked like Mike.

Now, the cops and ambulance are on their way.

Mike got mugged? Yeah.

What did you just say?

Don't tell them.

Mike got mugged.

Are you also related to Beverly La Salle?

Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us that he's, uh...

I'm sorry. He just died.

I can't understand it.

I mean, everything was goin' so good for him,

and then somebody had to kill him.

Yeah, just because he was different.

The way I feel today,

I may not go to church...ever.

I really think that somebody from the family

oughta kinda be there,

representing us in front of God.

Why?

What good does it do?

Oh, Ma.

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Smile!

Here we go!

It stuck its tongue out again.

What are you gonna do?

Okay, let's go find a fire!

Here we go!

Here we go! Here we go!

Okay, now on your way back from the fire,

let me get one more shot.

Okay, we're coming back from the fire.

Your mother wants--

- Whoa! - ...more pictures, see?

She wants to take a picture of every minute of your life.

You'll see them all when you grow up.

Oh, I think he's get-- Yeah, he's getting a little sleepy, honey.

Yeah, why don't we give him a nap?

He's been up since 5:00 this morning, huh?

But don't you think we should keep him up

till Ma and Daddy get over here?

Gloria, your mother and father are not coming over here.

Ma is very down on Christmas this year.

I wish she'd snap out of it.

It's keeping Daddy away, too!

Yeah, well, every cloud has a silver lining.

Michael!

* Jingle bells, jingle bells *

* Jingle all the way *

* Oh, what fun it is to ride *

* In a somethin' somethin' sleigh *

We're here.

Merry Christmas!

We'll be right down.

Oh, jeez, look at your son-in-law, the big ecologist there.

He's all against cutting down trees,

but when he wants a tree for himself,

he goes and kills the biggest one in the parking lot.

Let's leave our presents, Archie, and go home.

Oh, no, no, we can't do that, Edith.

Come on, what do you mean, home?

We come over here-- come on, come on, come on. This is Christmas.

No, I don't feel like opening presents.

I ain't in the mood to "ooh" and "ah".

Edith, Edith, Edith, you know.

Come on, 'tis the season to be jolly, you know?

Now, be jolly!

I wish I could, but I can't.

Now, you listen to me, Edith.

You gotta get over this Beverly business here.

Hey, look at it this way.

I mean, maybe she's lucky that he lived as long as she did.

What?

Well, you know what I mean. This is New York,

and guys like Beverly--

I mean, they're either getting mugged by strangers

or they're getting murdered by close friends.

You see it in the paper every day.

I mean, in New York, fags is-- uh, I mean...

fags.

That's--that's what you call an "ungendered" species.

And so, uh... cheer up.

Oh, Edith, Edith, come on, hon.

What do you want me to do?

I just want you to be the same old Edith there.

Say something delightful, huh?

Like you always say.

You know, say the world is beautiful

and all's right with the world.

God's taking care of the world.

I don't think He cares.

Oh, come on, Edith.

The Lord could send down a "thundervolt" there at you.

He could miss you, hit me.

Merry Christmas, Mom and Daddy. Hey, folks.

We're glad you made it. Thought you weren't gonna come.

Merry Christmas, Ma.

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

Merry Christmas there--hold it.

- Here. Put 'er there. - Yeah, Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Okay, come on. We got the Merry Christmas over.

I wanna see my grandson. Bring on that kid.

Oh, I'm sorry. He's sleeping.

He's sleeping at 10:00 in the morning?

What is the child, a wino?

Arch, he was up since 5:00 this morning playing with his toys.

He was exhausted.

But every time I come over here,

the kid's either in bed or in the bathtub or on the pot.

You'll see him later, okay?

Hey, come on. Let's open up the presents.

Who should we open first?

Oh, what difference does it make who first?

Is mine handy there?

Ma, uh, Daddy,

I want you to see what Michael gave me for Christmas

besides my beautiful new watch.

Are you ready? Ta-da.

Oh, jeez!

Don't be exposing yourself

in the living room, dining room area here.

- Daddy, look. It's beautiful. - Oh, stop that.

Close your eyes, Meathead.

Jeez, little girl.

Didn't I teach you to be decent

and be ashamed of your body?

Daddy, you blush if I show you a bare arm.

Didn't you bathe me when I was a baby?

Well, certainly, but then everything was small.

Hey, Ma. Here's a present for you from Gloria and me.

Why don't you open it up?

Oh, no, Mike. Thank you. Not now.

- Come on, Ma. - No, honey, forget it.

Ma, come in the kitchen.

We'll have a cup of coffee, and we'll say vicious things about the neighbors.

Oh, Gloria.

Jeez, what the hell am I gonna do about this situation here?

Did you try talking to her?

Certainly I tried talking to her.

I sat her down. I held her hand, and I looked her in the eye.

I said--I says, "Edith, darling,

what is, is."

And then I said, "Edith, darling,

what was...was."

And most important of all,

I said, "Edith, darling,

what's gonna be...

is gonna be."

But your mother-in-law

don't understand nothing about philosophy.

I don't think you know a hell of a lot about it yourself.

Get some of your wife's wrapping paper

and wrap up this present for Joey.

What is this?

"Karate Men"?

"Karate Men"? Yes.

It's what you call one of your educational toys there.

This is an educational toy? Karate Men?

Yes, it is, and I'll Tell you why.

Now, this toy learns you how to survive

in the stinko world. Right?

Not only that, when you work the buttons here, see,

this develops what you call your digitalis skills.

Show you what I mean.

See the left-hand button over there,

yeah, that one there, see,

that's where you can bust a rib, huh?

See? And the right one here,

this is the one where you can bust a face

like that and that and that! Huh?

Here's the greatest one of all,

the middle one at the back, see.

With this one here,

this is how you really give a guy a cauliflower crotch, see.

Yeah!

I don't believe this.

This is a toy for Joey on Christmas,

a time for peace and love, Arch?

Come on. I am not going to teach my son the manly art of violence.

- Don't give me no commie peace lectures on Christmas day! - I'm taking this---