All in the Family

That's why we started this organization--

The Queen's Council of Crusaders.

Oh, the Crusaders. What do you do, bowl?

We are dedicated to law and order.

What the cops can't handle, we do.

Hung up.

Who was it, honey?

Well, it seems, uh, like a concerned citizen

from some civic organization had a somewhat negative reaction to my letter.

What'd he say? Among other things,

he said he wanted to burn a cross on our front lawn.

And you are willing to join us in teaching him a lesson he'll never forget?

I'd be with you all the way! I'll be in the club! I'll be in it for life!

That's the way we want you, Archie boy-- for life.

Yeah.

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Oh, jeez, I hate night.

Think medical science would come up with a cure for that.

Oh, jeez.

Oh. Oh, Archie.

I must've been snoring, huh?

You could've fooled me, Edith. I thought you was inhaling the pillowcase.

Oh, my, it's 5:30.

Yeah, I know that.

Oh, you ain't sleeping.

I know that.

You're pacing the floor.

I know that, Edith!

Jeez, tell me something I don't know.

Well...there's only 63 more shopping days

till Christmas.

Archie, what's the matter with you?

Nothin'.

Aw, come on, sit down.

Something must've happened

to you last night.

Nothin', nothin'. What are you getting so nosy for?

Oh, I ain't being nosy, I'm just talking to ya.

The secret of a good marriage is

for a husband and wife to communicate.

Where'd you get that?

The Reader's Digest.

Well, let The Reader's Digest condense this:

Archie, let me tell you

somethin' very important.

What?

I'm your wife.

Who else knows this?

Oh, everybody.

And because I am your wife,

if somethin's bothering you,

I oughta know about it.

Oh...

Well, I tell you, Edith...

last night I done maybe the dumbest thing

of my whole life.

Are you sure?

You've lived a long time.

Edith, remember last night

I told you I might go bowling?

Ye--you--you went bowling without your ball!

No, I didn't go bowling at all.

Well, that wasn't so dumb.

You didn't need your ball.

Help me, Lord.

Edith, uh...

I'll tell you what I done.

I--I went to a meetin', see.

Oh, who was meetin'?

Well, I ain't supposed to tell ya.

Well, uh... give me a hint.

It's a secret!

It's a secret...

Give me another hint.

Where are you, Lord, over here?

He's everywhere, Archie.

I know that, Edith.

I can't tell you, but...

maybe it wouldn't do no harm if you guessed.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, uh...

See, all the-- the men at the meeting

were wearing sheets.

Oh, was they playin' trick or treat?

Was last night Halloween?

- Oh, no. - No.

Well then, why was they wearin' sheets?

Because sheets go so good

with the hoods they was wearin'.

Huh, huh?

Oh, I got it!

The Ku Klux Klan!

Ahhhh.

Oh...

Oh, Archie,

the Ku Klux Klan?

Shush, shush about it, jeez.

Don't come apart, huh?

- What-- - No, I think they--

they don't call themselves

the Ku Klux Klan anymore.

They call themselves the Queen's Council of Crusaders.

What was you doing there?

I'm sittin' there listenin' to a couple

of the high muckety-mucks make long speeches there.

You know, down with the Jews, down with the blacks,

down with the Pope, down with the UN...

and they want me to be a member.

You ain't gonna, are you?

No, I ain't, but they think I am,

and I don't know why.

Well, maybe you said something.

I didn't say nothin'.

I kept my mouth shut.

Oh, well, maybe it's something about

the way you kept your mouth shut.

Edith, don't give me your riddles

and guessing games and all of that.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Jeez, I need-- I need help.

What am I gonna do, huh? Say somethin' smart!

Well, just don't go there no more, Archie.

They'll forget ya.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh, sure they will.

You're easy to forget.

I recognized a couple of the guys there.

They recognized me. They're all from around here.

They know me, they know where I live...

They could come after me. Jeez, they could kill me.

Oh, Archie, what would they want

to do a thing like that for?

'Cause they love doin' things like that!

Archie...

Edith, Edith...

Now, let me explain something.

Let me explain something.

Oh. Don't move so much!

To hell with it, I'll explain from here.

Once you're in with them guys,

they know all your secrets there,

you're in there for life, you know, you can't get away.

It's till death do us part, for better or for worse,

for richer or poorer, you know?

It's just like a marriage...

only you're all the time under the sheets with men.

Archie, come on downstairs

and have a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

Nah, no, I need my calming soda.

Oh, no, cocoa is better.

Gee.

Fear, you know, it makes your guts boil.

Yeah, well, have some cocoa.

Isn't that funny when you're scared of something

how it brings up the gas?

Well, cocoa is good for that.

Cocoa ain't no good for that.

Let me make you a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

To hell with the cocoa!

Lord, if I was drowning, she'd throw cocoa on me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Edith. I don't mean to yell.

You only mean the best.

Look, sweetheart...

you just go back to bed there.

Snore all you want.

Jeez, I hate night.

Mmm...

All right.

Good old Arms & Legs.

It's the only thing that really...

...works.

Sometimes you only have to look at the box.

Who the hell can that be at this hour?

Hey, Arch, it's me, Gordie Lloyd.

Oh, my God...

Hey, open up! Let me in there.

Yeah, all right, yeah, all right,

I'll let you in here.

There.

Hey, Arch.

Yeah, yeah. How you doin', Georgie?

- Gordie. - Yeah, whatever.

Well, I was just on my way to work,

and I saw your lights on.

Are we alone?

Alone?

Let me check.

Hey, Edith?

Yeah, Archie?

Where are you?