50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Chapter six.

He used to love the city.

Her chrome and glass...

her buildings painted with a hooker's blue eye shadow.

Her hills, her beaches...

her sleazy past all cast a spell on him.

But now it was over.

His romance with the city had gone the way of all the others.

The truth is, she was suffocating him--literally.

Plus, he'd had it with her insecurity about her looks.

And her constant need to have work done to herself.

Not that he was any prize.

He wrote biographies of the notorious and semi-famous.

A job where the most important words...

were usually left off the page.

There was his first book, ''Dead Parents Society''...

about the homicidal high school twins.

We ate, like, two rolls of cookie dough...

and then we shot Mom.

You're not gonna put that in the book, are you?

The part about the cookie dough?

There was the porn star.

Can we just forget about 1972 altogether?

The grandmother who strangled six men.

l'd rather you not mention the part...

where l took his jar of pennies.

And his current subject, the astronaut.

Where the hell do you come up with this steaming crap?

Uh, your journal.

l told you, mister, l had a drinking problem then.

But the drinking problem doesn't start till chapter nineteen.

Come on! l just got back from the moon.

l was getting blown every night.

His job was a freak show...

and his love life wasn't much better.

Still, he believed there was that one person out there...

who could make everything OK again.

After exhaustive research...

he was fairly sure she didn't live in Los Angeles.

Oh, l'm not gonna order anything.

l brought my oats.

By the way, did l tell you...

l'm getting back together with my old boyfriend?

l'll have the lobster and the crab.

l think you're ready to meet my doctors.

The truth is, he was never going to find anyone here.

He should have changed cities years ago...

but, no, here he was...

living in the same house with the same best friends...

with the same books.

He was never gonna break up with the city.

And then one night, she kicked him out of bed.

Uh...

Unh! Aah!

Ah. Oh.

Mom...

Susan, relax. l'm fine.

You know, you haven't asked how l am once.

Yes. l'm standing in the doorway.

-Sweetie, it was just a tremor. -Mom! Mom!

Yeah, it was a big tremor, OK.

l don't know. Three at most.

l mean, four is for, like, major shock.

That was at least a six.

Dude, l'm talkin' dosage here, not Richter scale.

All right? Bye.

Dosage. Yeah, of course.

No, Mom, you're not gonna die from a gas leak.

Why not? Because your stove is electric.

l got to go. Yeah. Bye.

You OK?

l'm above ground.

This is Donnie.

Donnie, could you go stand in that doorway over there?

Why?

Well, l've known Owen longer. l'd rather die with him.

So, who's Donnie?

My waiter at lunch.

Lunch? But it's 2:00 a.m.

You actually spent twelve hours with the same guy?

Yeah, well, it was a late lunch.

Hello?

Eileen.

No, l'm fine. How--OK.

Right now?

Yeah, l still have the keys.

OK. OK.

Was that the call?

She wants me to come over.

Oh, it was the call, all right.

The thought of going down in a quake alone...

without your soft, doughy butt to hang onto terrified her.

So then she realizes she never should have dumped you.

Hey, it wasn't a dump. lt was mutual.

l can't believe you're going to go over there...

after she dumped you.

Would you really take Eileen back?

Well...l mean, she did cheat on me.

Mm-hmm.

-And leave me. -Yeah.

And, you know, she made last year totally miserable.

Uh-huh.

But on the other hand, it takes a pretty special woman...

to make you feel that shitty, so, yeah, l might.

l'm sorry. We can't let you do that.

Dude, she's right. We're going with you.

Let's go.

l've been thinking a lot about us lately...

and we can't just keep on standing still.

l totally agree.

Yeah. l--l mean, it's been a whole year...

since we've been going out...

and l still haven't found anybody that l liked.

Me, neither. l--l think it's time we moved forward.

Oh, God. l am so glad to hear you say that.

l mean, l was sitting here tonight...

and watching the walls crack around me...

and waiting for the pool to fall through the roof...

and obliterate me...

and suddenly, it was all very clear to me.

l saw my future--the house...

the white picket fence, the kids...

but l didn't see you.

Uh, w-well, maybe l was at work.

Or the hardware store. Was it a Saturday?

l was probably out buying fertilizer.

No, no. l didn't see you...

because you're not a part of my future.

l'm sorry, but l just-- l can't meet anybody...

with you just waiting around for me.

Look, l mean, this is obviously...

just a stress reaction to a scary event...

like when your mother got remarried...

and you went out and bought a kiln.

Ohh! Owen, stop spinning this.

l'm not spinning this!

l'm simply saying that the lies and the cheating...

and the name-calling, it's made us stronger.

OK, stop it!

This is not one of your stupid biographies...

where everybody gets what they want.

l am never going to become a D.A...

and you are never going to become a novelist.

And we are never, ever going to move back to New England...

and get married. lt's over.

lt is all over.

There!

God, l feel so much better, don't you?

How could she break up with you? You weren't even going out.

l don't know what happened. l mean, she's right, though.

l am always spinning things to make them look better.

l got to face reality.

-Thai stick? -Thanks.

l mean, this city has not worked out for me. l got to get out.

Come on. You're not going anywhere.

l am. l am leaving.

Hey, honestly, man, l think you're aiming a little bit high.

Aiming high?

l'm talking about buying a ticket...

and sitting on a plane for four hours...

while somebody flies me to a new destination.

That is a beautiful theory, man...

but this city's got you by your cojones.

l mean, look at her. Ohh, she's beautiful.

You can't turn your back on that.

Stand back and watch, my friend.

OK. OK. l'm gonna show you something.

Now, you take this next left.

Historically, this town has never been easy to escape.

Even the dinosaurs had a hard time.

Dude, we live in a basin...

and by definition, a basin contains shit.

That's why there's smog.

Air can't even escape out of here.

OK, look, so it's finally over with Eileen.

l mean, look on the bright side.

The relationship was shallow, sexless, and rooted in lies.

Yeah, well, it's not just Eileen l've been lying about.

lt's every relationship l've had, every book l've written.

People hire me to write their life stories...

because l make them look better than they really are.

l lie!

And you're just now figuring this out?

No, l just can't avoid it anymore.

You can't run away from yourself, Owen.

Your whole life is here.

Yeah, well, my life and l...

have been growing apart over the years.

l mean, l've been going one way, and it's been going another.

We're getting a trial separation.

So, you're breaking up with your life?

You can't break up with your life.

You'll just come crawling right back to it.

You're right. l've got to kill it.

First, he had to say good-bye to his support group.

Well, l had a little slip.

Last night, after the earthquake...

my ex said she was never coming back to me...

and l realized that l was lying to myself...

and the people at work...