Vexed

I remember what it was like at Uni. Do you?

Two types of girl, broadly speaking...

your gauche, inexperienced type,

eager to learn a thing or two now they'd escaped their parents.

I've got a horrible feeling you mean sexually.

Or slappers - that's the other type. Which, presumably, you preferred.

It is completely reprehensible of you

to reduce women to being either virgins or whores.

No it's not. You wait.

This dead girl - it'll be because of her involvement

in some sordid sexual underground university club.

In your dreams.

Unless... We're in the library. Maybe it was Professor Plum?

Hey. Hey. Right, Laura Edwards.

20 years old.

Was found this morning by the librarian when he opened up.

Her parents are in Derby. They have been informed.

The Provost and Dean know.

What was she studying?

English Literature and Gender Studies.

Gender what?

Studies. Studying Gender.

It's a course.

What, you mean study people's gender?

It's not going to be what you think. Women and Gender Studies.

Studying women?

I think we all know what mark I'd get if I was doing that.

We certainly do. It's not going to be about studying women's bits,

it'll be about the difference between masculinity and femininity.

What, you can study that?

You know, the role that gender plays in culture and politics. Seriously?

Feminism. That's probably part of it. You won't have heard of that.

Right, well let's work out how the student tottie bought it.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

I mean, you don't fall over something like this, do you?

God, libraries are boring, aren't they?

I don't know.

I've always found them to be full of sexual tension.

Laura's tutor is Professor Donna Hunt. Yeah?

Well, we should go and talk to her.

Right, can we have the photographer up here,

take a few snaps?

Yeah, I'll be right up. Great.

Here she is.

She's a highly regarded post-feminist,

specialising in Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender Questioning.

Transgender what? Lesbi-who questioning?

She also writes a column in Perverse Modernity magazine.

And she's had numerous research residencies.

OK, her three definitive books are - Queer Seeking Missile.

Crossing the Lesbicon,

and Wearing White Pants.

Just don't, OK, please, don't.

I'm not. I'm not, all right.

This is a serious subject. She's a serious academic woman.

Yup, sorry. Dead girl.

Serious.

Let's do it. After you.

Laura loved the course.

She was especially fascinated by cultures

that play with traditional notions

of the insertive and receptive sexual partner.

I bet she was.

I mean I bet she was...

very good at both insertive and receptive sex.

On the course. As part of the course. With you. Not with you!

Yes, with you, both intellectually and theoretically.

But not, you know...

What I'm saying is...

What I'm saying is - was she a bit of a slap...

Was she someone who had a lot of sex with men,

who could also be suspects?

I don't think so.

Or women?

Because I don't want to be offensive and I know this is your,

you know this is your special area,

and a very sensitive one so, er, you know,

and especially if she was a...

We need to draw up a full list of possible suspects.

Yeah. Which may include women. Especially if she was...

I'm not going to dignify that

and I don't understand how you'd

expect me to know about her private life.

What he's asking is...

are you aware of anyone who may have had a reason to hurt Laura?

Yeah, that's right. That's what I was saying.

No, I'm not.

Did you ever... discuss anything outside the course?

Did she ever express any worries or fears that she had about anyone?

Er... a boyfriend?

Or a girlfriend? I was definitely saying that. No she didn't.

Or a homosexual man?

A gay man with whom she had sex. Despite him being gay?

I am not aware of anyone who wanted to hurt Laura, let alone kill her.

She was much loved by everyone.

By my colleagues and fellow students alike.

There are some strange cliques

at Universities, of course.

How do you mean?

You mean strange social clubs? Or religious groups?

I suspect you don't have much experience of University.

Students tend to form little tribes

as a means to define themselves. They always have.

And which tribe was Laura a member of?

I don't know.

I spend most of my time teaching grad students or doing research.

You'd have to ask her friends.

We will.

That's the post-mortem report on Laura.

Erm, Laura's English tutor

this bloke...

is back Monday.

I spoke to him. He's doing some talk up in the Lake District all week.

So he says. Thanks, Tony. No problems, babe.

Thanks for that unique insight into the student world, Naz.

I'm off. I've got a date.

Girl called Danielle.

We're off to the football. Her idea.

Have a nice time.

Right, I'm off, too. If you find anything, call me.

OK. So, er, so, what are you up to this weekend?

Hmm. This and that, you know.

I ought to do some work, really. Sort out my docket.

File these crime reports. Yeah?

Don't you get dates off the internet? Why don't you do that?

I don't feel like spending my evening with someone

who'll depress me and make me realise

I've spent 30 years on this planet without encountering anyone

I'm even remotely attracted to.

And I need to do some laundry.

Well you're not going to meet anyone if you don't go out.

I don't really want to meet anyone.

You know. I just think if someone's going to come along,

they'll come along.

So, I've stopped looking. I just can't be bothered.

Is that bad?

I'm just... I'm fed up with the whole thing, really, you know?

Fed up with meeting men who all turn out to be arseholes.

Yeah, what about a woman? Have you ever tried a woman?

Are you going to eat that?

All I want is someone manly, kind, and gorgeous, who makes me laugh.

Who's got a great job. Something ethical,

I don't know, but that he's passionate about

and he makes money out of it.

And he knows when to act like a kid, and when to act like a man.

And he's taller than me.

And he's caring and considerate.

Oh, and he's got a great chest.

And he tidies up. Oh, and he doesn't hate my parents.

And he loves dogs, and he works out but he doesn't over do it, you know.

And he can cook - and he'll make me a really nice big breakfast,

and call me sweet girl in bed and look me in the eyes when he comes.

Right, so, picky and desperate.

I'd stick with the cinema.

Erm, I'm going to have that, is that all right?

Yeah.

What a woman!

God, I love her!

We spent the whole weekend together.

I have never ever had so much sex.

She's wild.

So physical, so... unashamed of her sexuality.

We went to this nightclub. Man, can she drink!

And then afterwards...

The next day, right,

she took me to badminton.

Now, I have never played badminton before.

But I actually really enjoyed it.

I mean this is the incredible thing about her.

I mean, you know what a slug I am, right? Yep.

She makes me want to do things! Hmm...

Like badminton.

Yeah. God, I miss her.

I know, I know, I mean how can I say that after just one weekend?

But you know, she's gone on this work trip to Toronto

and I just, I just can't wait for her to get back.

I think she could be...

No, no, I'm not, I'm not going to say that, I'm not going to say it,

I'm not going to say it...

She sounds quite... insertive.

What? Sorry, I mean just a bit... masculine.

All the activities and everything. Don't be silly.

Is she a bit of a tomboy? Emphasis on the boy?

She's very beautiful. Amazing legs that go on for ever.

Tall is she?

Yes, she's tall. Yes, she is.

How tall? Beautiful women are tall.

Don't do this to me. It doesn't mean she's a man.

I mean, did you ever hear anybody say,

"my girlfriend's beautifully short"?

I mean, just because you sat at home

crying into your ready-made-meal-for-one,

watching endless episodes of Poirot,

hoping against hope

that your perfect man is going to somehow miraculously enter your life,

but knowing in your heart that he won't because he doesn't exist.

And even if he did exist he wouldn't fancy you,

because I think you'll find men want a bit more from a woman

than a certain flat-chested ability for admin.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.