Starlings

OK, babe. OK, you're doing really well.

That was a big one, Bell. Yup.

Do you need me to massage your perineum?

I think it's a bit late for that, Rueben.

Just breathe, Bell.

The book said... The book...

The book said "sharp exhalations", like blowing out a birthday candle.

Just get me some drugs!

You did specify in your birth-plan you didn't want any.

How about a nibble on a bit of ginger?

Why don't you put some music on? Yeah, good idea.

Are we early labour or heavy labour? What do you think?!

Need more warm...

Any, eh...

Ooh. Let's have a brew, shall we?

Good idea. Can I have a hot Vimto?

Dad?

I might have strong coffee. I'm losing the fight here.

I'll put the kettle on.

Oh.

You don't have to be in here you know.

But I'm your doula, aren't I? Your birthing partner.

The book says "Be close to the mother,

to provide emotional support during this beautiful and miraculous..."

I'm getting out, I'm getting out.

I'm never having kids.

Charlie, what's going on in there is just Mother Nature doing her job.

It's all perfectly normal.

Doesn't sound normal.

Sounds like a fight between a pig and a gibbon.

You're not helping, Gravy.

I'm off go to my room. See how my guys are doing.

Yeah, I might start building the cot. Why don't you get some sleep?

It's hardly worth it now. Might as well stay up.

Yeah, pull an all-nighter. Right. But just try to keep quiet.

OK? We have to respect your sister's wishes,

that we create a peaceful environment in which...

Mother Nature. Just... Mother Nature.

Rueben, why don't you take five? Have a bit of a breather?

I'm fine, I'm fine. You've been here for 22 hours.

You're in a state. I don't want to miss anything.

You won't miss anything in the next five minutes.

Go on, get yourself a breath of fresh air.

Darling, you're doing brilliantly.

Isn't she? You're doing amazingly.

Just breathe, Bell. Just breathe.

What's happening in there? I've got no idea. It's pandemonium.

She's screaming... and the panpipes are doing my head in.

I've got no idea if I'm helping or... Calm down.

What you need is a nice walk around the garden. Get yourself together.

Yeah... Yeah.

And while you're there...

Why don't you just fill this kettle from the outside tap... I am parched.

Good morning ladies, your usual table by the window?

And how are things over at the castle today?

Oh... really? Well, do send my regards to the king.

Bon appetite.

Charlie?

How you getting on with that cot? Oh, you've finished!

The instructions were in Norwegian... I went in blind. That's my girl.

Grab that end for me. Right-o.

Yeah, lift her up.

I bet you'll be glad to be out this little room, eh?

Sharing with your sister.

Yeah, it'll be good. And your new room's great, isn't it?

All that lovely space, and the big window...

And my Granddad. And your granddad.

You know, in some cultures,

the elders of the tribe are placed with their grandchildren,

to pass on their knowledge of life and the mysteries of the universe.

That way, the child learns how to fish with a stick or...

stun a gazelle with a rock.

I know what you're trying to say, Dad.

It won't be for long, love, I promise.

He's a boy.

Oh, my God.

It's a boy.

Would Daddy like to cut the cord?

Er, yes, please...

I'll get some scissors. It's fine. We have scissors.

I declare thee...

born.

Welcome to the world, son.

Is the blood bit over?

I got you some chocolates.

I heard your sugar levels drops through the floor when you...

Oh, he's good isn't he?

Oh, wow.

You want to hold your nephew?

What's that white stuff on his arm?

That's called vernix. Stops him drying out while he's in utero.

I'm good, thanks.

Can I have a little hold? 'Course you can, Dad.

Hello, mate.

How you doing?

I'm your granddad. You want to come and say hello to your family?

This is Charlie. She's your auntie. She's going to be a famous goalie.

That's from football, which you'll learn about later.

And this is Gravy. He's your uncle.

Which means he'll finally have to accept some responsibility

in his charmed little life. Isn't he? Yes, he is.

And this old fella here, this is your great-granddad, Billy.

He's just moved in with us.

Long story, involving Lonnie Donegan records

and a Breach of the Peace Order.

And this beautiful lady is your nanna, Jan.

She's giving me the face

that says "Stop doing that silly voice and hand me the baby over."

So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

That's alright. I felt a bit like a spare part but...

No... Thank you, Rueben.

Oh, right. Maybe you should get some sleep.

I'm fine. I feel like I've had this amazing burst of energy...

Yeah, I know but... we did talk about this.

Yeah. We did, didn't we?

I'll call you later.

I'm off home everybody.

Bit knackered.

Bye, little mate.

Take care, lad.

What?

We're not together any more.

'I'll pop round with the liver on Tuesday. Yeah? Yeah.'

'Yeah, well that's a great place. Yeah.'

Yeah. Yeah.

Pamplemousse.

Don't know why. Got a certain je ne ce quoi, I thought.

Better with the accent, of course. I've sent off for one.

Good morning. Hi.

I bought you a nice cup of... Oh...

I'll just put this... down here.

Get out of your way. Stay and chat for a bit, Dad.

Yeah? Um...

OK.

I'll just... pop myself down here.

Ohhh.

Couple of little hairs I never noticed before, Dad.

Have I?

I meant the baby.

Oh, good. I'll have a look in a minute.

It's OK, you know. You can be in here while I'm breast feeding.

Yeah, I know. I'm just...

Your Dad's a little old-fashioned when it comes to...

You know, you need your privacy.

Did you get any sleep? Not really.

It's only like that at first.

Then you don't really notice it. It was pretty loud.

It's their way of communicating.

That's his way of telling us he's hot or cold or hungry or windy.

Not the baby. You were talking in your sleep.

I've always done that.

Your nanna would roll me onto my left side.

My brain goes into overdrive on me right.

I don't know why. Is there any tea?

There we go. The milk's back in the pantry.

So...

You thought of any names yet? Not really.

Just waiting for his little personality to come through.

I've got a few suggestions up my sleeve.

Go on then.

Alan...

Roy...

Peter...

Archie Gemill... I mean Archie.

Are these all Derby County players, Dad?

No... Not all of them.

He was an assistant manager.

Thanks, Dad. It's a pleasure.

So... how you feeling?

Like I'm hallucinating.

Yesterday, I had a lump in my tummy. Today I've got a son.

It's crazy, isn't it?

You must be exhausted. Why don't I take him for a while?

Thanks, Dad.

He looks a bit like Kevin Hector.

Dad.

Morning, guys.

How is everything? Why you whispering?

I don't want to inflame the situation with Bell.

This is getting ridiculous now. What is?

You two. Just take her out for a slap-up meal.

Tell her you're sorry and you love her.

I've tried. She doesn't believe a word I say anymore.

Well, I can always tell when a man is lying.

When I was in Malaya... one of our Jeeps got nicked.

Me and my mate Alf caught this bloke.

I'll tell you what we did to him. We... No, I won't tell that story.

Rueben, I know Bell, and if she didn't want you back,

you wouldn't even be allowed in this house.

I'll get it!

Fergie? Hello, Auntie Jan.

Oh, I thought you were in Thailand. Yeah, I was. Flew back yesterday.

Spent the night in Wolverhampton station sat outside The Lemon Tree.

Julie's ended it. Oh, no. Why?

Rabies. Rabies?

Yeah. Night before last, we were leaving a bar

when one those street dogs jumps out.

You know, the dirty ones with the saggy udders? Kind of.