All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man *

* Like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

That's not how you say it. It's a tee-ruck. A truck.

Shh. Don't talk so loud.

Archie's asleep.

He worked at the saloon till all hours last night.

He didn't get home until five o'clock this morning.

I was sound asleep.

Then how'd you know what time it was?

Oh, Archie always wakes me up

to tell me it's only him getting into bed with me.

That's considerate.

Oh, I don't mind.

Sometimes I'm in the middle of a bad dream

and that gets me out of it.

Yeah, but what if you were having a dream about...

Paul Newman?

Oh...

Oh!

Ohh.

I don't have dreams like that.

Often.

Mailgram for Gloria Stivic!

Mailgram for Gloria Stivic!

The impact of a telegram at a fraction of the cost.

Quiet. Shh!

Why are you shushin' me?

Archie's asleep.

He is like hell.

Oh, Arch, did I wake you up? I'm sorry.

Think nothing of it, meathead.

A few brief winks a night is all a workin' man needs.

Oh, Archie, you better go back to sleep.

I'll make you a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

Cocoa gives me gas.

Oh! Cocoa will make you sleep.

You want me to sleep with gas?

Gloria, who's the mailgram from?

It's from my old friend Debbie Ballantine.

Did I hear Debbie Ballantine?

Yeah.

I never liked her and I always will.

She just had another baby.

Debbie Ballantine had another baby?!

What does that make, four or five?

Six.

Oh, my! Somewhere along the line,

I lost a whole baby.

Somewhere along the line,

did Debbie ever pick herself up a husband?

Who's Debbie Ballantine?

She's the mother of a kindergarten in Woodside.

Honey, you gotta remember her.

If it wasn't for Debbie,

you and I would never have met.

That's another reason I'll never like her.

Don't you remember her?

He don't remember nothin'

from the past exceptin' meals.

Ma and Daddy went to visit Aunt Iola.

Who was supposed to be dyin' again.

Anyway, that left me alone

here in the house for the whole weekend,

so I had my friend Debbie come over and stay with me.

It's hard to believe that was nine years ago...

Ah, Edith, I ain't in the mood for this.

Do we have to go over

and see your aunt Iola today?

Oh, Archie, she may not be alive tomorrow.

So we could have a nice, quiet visit over there.

Oh, Archie. Oh, be nice.

That poor, sweet old lady

is at death's door.

Ah, come on, Edith.

For the last ten years

she's been at death's door,

but she never knocks or rings the bell

or makes an honest effort to get in there.

Gloria! Debbie! We're going!

Oh, okay, Ma.

Bye.

Give Aunt Iola my love.

Bye, Daddy.

Why aren't you smiling?

You aren't goin' to a funeral.

That's why I ain't smilin'.

- Bye, Ma. - Bye, dear.

Oh, geez, Edith.

What the hell you got in this bag here?

- Bricks? - No. Marmalade.

Aunt Iola loves my marmalade.

I'm takin' her 12 jars.

Oh, ain't that nice?

I'll tell you one thing, I ain't gonna lug this back to New York.

If Iola dies over there,

the marmalade gets buried with her.

Bye, Ma!

Oh, good-bye now.

You girls have a nice time studyin'.

Good-bye, Daddy.

Your mother told youse--

be good girls, now.

We will!

Now let's get a couple of guys

and tell them to come over.

No, Debbie, I don't think

we should have boys over here.

I promised my parents that we'd study.

And besides, there's nothing excitin'

goin' on over here.

There will be.

Oh?

Oh!

Ohhh!!

No, I don't think

we should have boys over.

Are you afraid to have boys over here?

Nah, course not.

What's the matter, then?

I don't know.

What would we do when the boys get here?

Gloria...are you still a virgin?

Well, uh...

Um...

Don't you remember?

It's not my fault, see.

It's my parents.

They're virgins?

Of course not!

It's just that my father thinks

that a girl shouldn't have sex

until after she's married,

and even then, only when it's absolutely necessary.

It's just that my father thinks that it's okay

for men to have sex,

but it's not okay for women.

Well, who are the men supposed to have sex with?

I don't think he's thought it through that far.

I'm thirsty.

Look, Gloria,

I just met this guy who says

he's got a groovy new roommate.

A roommate? What do you mean, roommate?

They're college men.

College men?

Oh, my God!

Oh, I don't know, Debbie.

I mean, I've heard how these college men are.

Well, that's why we want them to come over here.

Oh, my God.

Look, you'll probably love Jim's roommate.

Oh, yeah? What's he like?

Oh, he's swell.

I hear he's from outside of Chicago.

Outside Chicago?!

Wow! He sounds terrific.

What do you say, Gloria?

Should I call 'em over?

Well, all right.

What have I got to lose?

Forget I said that.

But you know, wait a minute, Debbie.

What if I don't like him?

Well, um...

just give me a signal.

Oh, okay.

If I don't like him,

I...will...

pull on my ear like Carol Burnett.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Oh, my God! - What's the matter?

If I got a date tonight, I better curl my hair.

Really?

704 Hauser.

Okay, Debbie.

See you at 8:30 sharp.

Where you goin'?

We. We're going.

I just fixed you up with a great chick.

I can't. I'm busy tonight.

We're gonna picket

Nixon's inaugural ball at the Waldorf.

You're still bitter 'cause your candidate lost.

Yes, yes, I am bitter.

I am damn disappointed in a country

that would elect Richard Nixon and not Eldridge Cleaver.

Forget the picketing.

This girl's supposed to be gorgeous.

What if I don't like her?

Then you'll give me the secret signal.