All in the Family

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Ooh, ouch. Ooh.

- It's me, Ma. - Oh, yeah, Gloria.

* A glorious song of hope... * Oh!

Hi, Ma, I can only stay-- Oh, Mom, mwah!

I can only stay a minute 'cause Joey's sleeping

and the baby-sitter didn't get there yet.

What's the big surprise?

Come on and read this.

"Beverley La Salle,

"world-famous female impersonator..."

Carnegie Hall, December 27th!

That's wonderful, Beverley's gonna play Carnegie Hall.

We're gonna go, aren't we?

Oh, sure, and that ain't all.

Guess who just stopped by and left them presents,

and is upstairs right now tryin' on his dress

he's gonna wear at Carnegie Hall? Guess!

Is it Beverly La Salle?

You guessed!

What am I gonna wear to Carnegie Hall?

Are ya up there, Beverley, you big, bogus bimbo?

Hi, you little sawed-off sexpot.

Stand back, and prepare to be dazzled.

* I stepped out of a dream *

* I am too wonderful to me, I seem *

Oh, Beverly, oh!

Do you think it's too busy?

No, Beverly, it's beautiful.

You look exquisite.

I do, don't I?

Oh, Beverly, where did you ever get that?

Oh, I have the best dress-maker in the whole world.

Who is she?

Mr. Florence.

Mr. Florence, is that a he or a she?

Yes.

I'll explain it to you later, Ma.

Bye, Beverly.

I gotta get home to Joey.

Ma, Michael and I want you to and Daddy

to come over and help us decorate the tree tonight.

You too, Beverly.

Oh, I can't, I have to rehearse.

All right for you, you dizzy queen, you.

Oh, Carnegie Hall.

I ain't never been to Carnegie Hall.

I went with Archie once to get a suit at Robert Hall.

Well, you're going to get to Carnegie Hall,

and you're gonna have the best seats in the house.

Oh, Beverly, that's so sweet of you.

Well, who deserves it more

than the man who saved my life

and his wonderful wife and family?

You don't have to go right now.

Sit down and talk to me while I set the table.

Sit down in this dress?

Are you kidding?

One false move

and you'll have wall-to-wall foam rubber, aw.

Oh!

Bette Davis.

Oh, Beverly,

Archie is gonna be so surprised to see you.

I'll bet.

Since you're stayin' all next week,

why don't you come and have Christmas dinner with us?

I'd love to.

Good! You don't have to dress up,

just come as you are.

Oh, I mean, uh, you don't have to wear a dress.

You better not.

Oh, Beverly, I got somethin' for ya.

It's very special.

I was gonna save it for Christmas,

but I'm gonna show you right now.

I love surprises. What is it?

My whole career's built on surprises.

Here you are.

A scrapbook.

I saved all your reviews from all over the country.

Aren't you nice?

Oh, well, we're just proud of you.

I mean, there have been celebrities in this house--

Sammy Davis Jr.,

and Lena Fleischacker,

whose niece did a TV commercial for bad breath,

but you're the only one that's like family.

I love you, Edith.

To me, you're like a sister.

Oh, Beverly, to me you're like a sister.

Uh, no, I mean brother.

Oh, well, both rolled into one.

Edith, I'm home.

Oh, yeah, Archie.

Where are you?

Archie, don't come in here. I'm in the kitchen.

Oh, well, I'm already sittin' at the table, Edith,

with the knife and fork poised in my hand here,

and my starved-to-death eyes are lookin' down on nothin'.

Don't--don't come out here.

I got a surprise for ya.

Are you cookin' in your underwear again?

That was just on one of them hot days.

Archie, I got a surprise for ya.

Close your eyes.

Oh, jeez, all right.

Are your eyes closed?

All right, Edith, but hurry it up, will ya?

All right, now don't peak.

Oh, come on, Edith.

Don't keep my eyes covered up all day, will ya?

Jeez, I'm hungry. What is it?

I got a rubbery feelin' it's Beverly La Salle.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Bunker!

No, don't kiss me no more there, Beverly.

My doctor tells me

I got a communications disease there.

Don't Beverly look beautiful, Archie?

What? Well...

Oh, holy jeez.

Oh, yeah, you look beautiful there, Beverly, yeah.

Jeez, if you come through the streets to this house

lookin' like that, you're lucky you got here alive.

Archie, Beverly didn't come here in this.

She was modelin' it for us,

'cause he's gonna wear it in his new show

next week at Carnegie Hall.

And you're all going to be my guests.

Oh, guests, well, now,

wait a minute there, Beverly.

I--I don't know about that,

but let me ask you--

i-is the show dirty?

Sophisticated.

Very dirty, huh?

You'll love it.

Well, I've gotta go. I've gotta get to rehearsal.

* Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la *

* Don we now our gay apparel *

* Fa la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la *

She looks like Howard Cosell in drag.

Oh, Archie.

Beverly's gonna be here all next week,

so I invited him to Christmas dinner.

You done what?

Well, I thought it would be nice.

- Edith, I do not want her... - Him!

Um, him, whatever.

I do not want whatever to have

Christmas dinner--!

Shh!

With us.

Archie, Beverly's all alone.

I mean, his family is all gone!

Sure, they're all gone.

They run like hell away from him.

Oh, they died!

Sure, they died of shame.

Aw, gee. We're all God's children.

God loves everybody, including Beverly,

and he don't want nobody to be alone on Christmas.

Besides, I already invited him.

Now, let me tell you somethin' you're forgetting lately.

A man's home is his castle,

and in this here castle, I am king.

And I am queen.

Well, this king can only handle one queen at a time,

so disinvite her!

Merry Christmas, everybody! Honey.

Hi, Mike.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Look at this. He's always makin' love

like he's gonna be hung tomorrow.

Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection?

Because I hate it.

Here's Beverly.

You remember Beverly La Salle, Mike.

Beverly?

Gee, how are you?

I didn't recognize you without your dress on.

He looks damn good without his dress on.

Let me tell you somethin' there, Bev.

You keep on wearin' men's clothes,

and I'll be willin' to bet that in no time at all,

you could turn yourself around.

Oh, don't be givin' me them looks.

These here problems are much more easy solved

than you liberals would have us believe.