The Life & Times of Tim

So this is exciting.

- I mean, finally, a new job. - It's the--

it's the pinnacle of excitement.

I mean, Ernst & Young-- it definitely is.

It's a step up from Omnicorp.

It's impressive, the whole-- the whole bit.

Oh, you know what? Here's my stop.

- I'm gonna hop off. - All right.

- Have fun. - Good luck today.

- Thank you. Ernst & Young. - Love you.

So Ernst & Young next?

Oh no, I actually need to go to the outskirts

of Newark, New Jersey.

Oh, okay. Lying to your lady?

- Oh, you heard that? - Yeah.

- A little lie. - What do you doing, drugs?

Transvestites? Gambling?

I don't need to be judged right now. It's been a rough year.

Boo-hoo.

- Oh, hey there, coach. - Hey, you.

I'm Tim, Tanya's assistant.

Oh, right, yeah yeah. Don't care.

I'm sorry I'm late, by the way.

I hope I didn't hold anything up.

You're not part of the team, so it never matters to me

- what time you're here. - That's not nice.

- How's Tanya doing? - Oh, she's in a much better mood than yesterday.

- I hope so. - Where the fuck's my little man?!

- Hey, Tanya, over here. - You on Tanya time, boy!

Get over here and wipe me down! I needs my towel!

You needs your towel? I gotta run to the towel room.

Uh, no no no, you've got to get over here now

- and dry me off with whatever you got! - I can't dry--

I need a towel to dry you, Tanya. You're not being reasonable.

Take off your shirt.

Take off my shirt? I'm not doing it.

Oh my God. Fine.

No no no no, get up under them pits.

- Under the pits. - Let's go, Tim.

- All right. - Yes, that's it. Ah.

This is really crossing many lines.

Oh, you ain't seen crossing the line, Tim.

- Get down there in the crotch. - Oh my God! Tanya, please.

- Get up under there. - As far as bosses go,

you think you're a reasonable person?

Boy, if I had a dick, I'd slap you in the face with it!

Hey, how was your day?

Oh great. Just another day at Ernst & Young.

I told Julie about the job and she was really impressed.

It's prestigious. I'm not gonna lie.

Whoops. Let me take this.

- Hello? - I thinks you better get over here!

What? No no.

No, I'm not--

I'm not going to Newark tonight.

I can't. I-- I'm at home.

I refuse. Fine, I'm coming.

- Hey. - Did I just hear you say you're going to Newark?

- No. - That's what you just said.

- I said Newark? - Well, I--

I'm going to Newark.

- It's, uh, Stu's birthday. - Oh.

We forgot. Rodney said, "Let's just organize

a quick pub crawl through... North Jersey."

- You're going to Jersey right now? - Mmm.

- Really? - Yeah, we're gonna start in Newark,

finish up in, like, Fort Lee or--

just an impromptu Jersey pub crawl.

Yeah, pretty much. You never did that? You guys don't do that?

Uh, no.

Just candles, cake, beer and Newark.

- I gotta get out of here. - Bye.

All right, see ya later.

Hey, Tanya, I rushed over as fast as I could.

What's going on? What's the emergency?

Oh, I can't find my Pizza Hut menu.

That's why you called me?

- Yeah. - Tanya, I'm not happy that that's why

you called me from Manhattan.

- That's your job. - You really need to show me a little respect.

That's what I'm doing. I'm giving you stuff to do.

Now can you go ahead, crawl around the floor and look for that menu for me?

- I'd rather not. - Don't talk back to me!

That's not ta-- that's having a conversation.

- No, you s-- - You yell too easily.

- You really get angry. - You're sassing me!

- Stop using them big words! - I'm not sassing you.

I'm just saying-- I went to college.

Whoopy doopy doopy damn do.

I done seen a college too.

Now get your little ass and find my menu!

And don't mess with the little dildos and whatnots under my bed!

- Yeah? - Stu, it's Amy.

Am I dreaming right now?

No, I just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday.

Oh, and you couldn't wait till February, huh?

You guys aren't in Newark on a pub crawl?

Who goes to Newark for pub crawls

besides murderers and public school teachers?

- No, absolutely not. - Okay, this is weird.

- Why? - Why would he need to lie about going to Newark?

Let's see, I've watched a lot of "Matlock."

He's either shopping at Ikea and wants to keep it a secret

or he's throwing his weird bone

in a flight attendant from Continental.

- Stu, this is serious. - I know.

I mean, he wouldn't cheat on me, would he?

Tim? No, he'd never ch--

Although if there's a small chance

that this could lead to you breaking up

and us dating, I am happy to investigate further. Is there a small chance?

- Uh... - That's all I needed.

Our Tim? There's no way, bro.

Amy sounded pretty suspicious.

He snuck off to Newark last night.

Dude, that could mean anything.

- Really? - Yeah, maybe he's involved in cleaning up

our inner cities or, I don't know,

picking up trash, raking leaves.

Does any of this sound like Tim?

He's boning a Jersey chick, isn't he?

Yeah.

There they are.

- I gotta work on my entrances. - We haven't seen you in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, what's going on? It's been awhile.

- You guys find any work or...? - No, I'm just doing the whole stay-at-home-dad thing.

- What does that mean? - It means I stay at home with my child.

You need to have a baby to do that.

- A-yup. - Holy shit!

Where'd that come from?

Remember my wife fucked that hockey player?

- You guys didn't get divorced? - No, bro.

Have you ever seen the lines at City Hall?

The paperwork? It's just way too messy.

- That's disturbing. - What about you, Tim?

- What you been up to, buddy? - Uh, actually a lot.

I've been meaning to tell you guys that--

Ooh, where is he? Come on, itsy-bitsy!

- That might be me. - There you are, little man.

Been looking for you.

- Let's do this. - Wh-- what are we doing?

Going in the ladies' room.

We're gonna run to the ladies' room real quick.

Oh, Timbo.

That guy is a dog.

- Listen, little man. - Yeah?

- This is serious. - Uh-oh.

They're doing random drug testing tomorrow

and I've been snorting coke like it was candy.

If you want me to pee right now, it's just not gonna happen.

No no no no no, it need to be from a girl.

- Oh. - Not you, a real girl.

- Get your girlfriend to do it. - Amy? Amy won't do that.

No no no, Amy got to do that.

If she fucking with you, she is disease-free and drug free.

She might be snorting coke like it's candy.

- You don't know that. - I know what she doing--she fucking with you,

so she clean. She bored to death and she clean.

You get me that little white-girl clean pee.

You gonna stick around for a beer?

Hello?

Amy, it's Stu, the man of your future dreams.

- What? - Tim's totally cheating on you.

What?! What makes you say that?

My suspicion started when a girl entered the bar

and dragged Tim into the women's room to screw.

- What? - They went in, it was very quick.

They had sloppy bathroom sex.

My guess is she perched him up on the sink...

- Oh! - ...And they did it.

This is crazy! What-- what's she like?

She's very tall and very confident.

- He's dating a model. - Mmm.

Tim is having sex with a model.

Okay. Whatever-- whatever gets your blood boiling.

Oh! Tim, I haven't seen you since the layoffs.

I know. Great catching up.

Um, listen, at the risk of sounding forward,

I need some drug-free female urine.

Can you just knock some off real quick?

Tim, I'm not peeing for you.

Tim? What the fuck are you doing here?

- Hey, Stan, great to see you. - Uh-huh.

Listen, you have a wife and daughter, right?

Yeah? And?

Can I get some urine from one or both of them?

You get weirder by the fucking minute, don't you?

Listen, Marie, I know this is a crazy request--

I need some female urine and I kinda need it tonight.

I charge 50 bucks an ounce

or $200 a pint, which I can produce on command.

I should've come to Marie first.

If I had a nickel for every man that offered me cash for my urine--

I take PayPal as well.

- Hey, tall lady. - What you call me?

I thought we could have nicknames for each other.

You call me insulting names, I call you positive things.

- Do you know what, little man? - Yeah?

I like you. You got a bright future here.

- Oh. - Oh, the way you scored that urine...