Louie

[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

I'm 41 and I'm single.

Not really single, just alone.

But I have two children, and that's the only thing I'm comfortable with in life anymore.

I know how to take care of a couple of kids.

I don't like French toast. Well, sorry, that's what we're having.

Mommy doesn't make us French toast.

I go to my daughter's school to volunteer sometimes.

My daughter goes to a public school.

I volunteer not because I'm a good person but because you have to...

...because nobody works there.

There's just nobody there.

You go in this school, like thousands of kids, and go:

"Where is any grown-up right now?"

And I usually go for lunch and recess.

That's when they really need grown-ups, is for lunch...

...to volunteer in the cafeteria, because they only--

They have 300 kids eating...

...and they have one Jamaican lady watching all of them.

It doesn't matter that she's Jamaican, but it totally does...

...because there's nobody who can be mean...

...to 300 children just in the way that the Jamaican lady--

And it's not her fault, she's outnumbered, 300 kids to one.

Gandhi would be like, "Shut up!"

So my job as a volunteer is to stand there, near my daughter so I can be with her...

...and then kids raise their hand, you need to go and help them.

Usually, they need help opening a milk, because they can't open their milks.

They can't do it...

...because it's 2009...

...and we still put milk in this little paper box.

Put it in a bottle. I don't know why we're doing it. It's torture.

We put it in this envelope...

...that was invented by some Dutch **** in 1773.

And they can't do it, they can't open it.

It's too subtle an idea, a design, for a 7-year-old to peel back the paper...

...and then gather it forward into a spout shape.

And they-- And the glue is vicious...

...so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it...

...and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout.

So they can't do it, so they raise their hand, and I do it for them.

I'm not better at it.

I just-- I deal with the stress better than they do.

I don't cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk.

I'm a man.

Hi, Daddy. Hey, honey.

Just find a seat near the front, okay? I'll be on in a minute. Hi, kids.

All right, everyone on the bus and quiet down, okay?

Hey, Susan. Hey.

Thanks for helping me today. No problem.

All right, kids, let's go. All right.

Hey. Hey, this is pretty great. We get to go on a trip, huh?

Violet? Violet?

So where you wanna go?

What? You wanna go somewhere.

Where do you wanna go?

What is this, a cab? We're-- The Bronx Botanical Gardens.

We're going to the Bronx Botanical Gardens.

Okay, how do you get there?

What? Violet?

How do we get there?

How do you not know this? How?

Look, just-- Sir, go to-- Sir, can you just go uptown, okay?

Hey, go to the Bronx.

Just take the West Side Highway and I'll find out.

You'd better.

We're moving, we're moving! This is fun.

Yep.

Hello, is this the Bronx--? Is this the Bronx Botanical Garden?

Hello, yes?

Yeah, hi, I'm sorry, I'm on a school bus full of children, I--

That's okay.

Can you give me directions to where you are from the West Side Highway?

You can't be on the West Side Highway. Well, we're on it right now.

Sir, it's illegal to take a bus on that highway.

But....

Sir, do you know that it's illegal to take a bus on this road?

I don't know, man.

You told me to take the West Side Highway, so I'm on it.

Are we gonna hit that?

I don't know. Why don't you go sit down somewhere?

Oh, shit.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. What is that?

Oh, man, we got a flat. I gotta pull over.

Daddy, where are we?

Uh, Harlem.

Hey, so, what's the plan? I don't know.

Hey, man, what do you have to do to be a bus driver, nothing?

How can you be so goddamn irresponsible when you're transporting children?

Does that mean nothing to you? You almost got everybody hurt.

Do you have kids? What kind of a person are you?

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?

I live three blocks from here. I don't need this shit.

You're not seriously leaving.

Look, you're the one that said get on the West Side Highway.

Remember that, you redheaded-nobody piece of shit.

Uh, okay, kids, here's what's going on. We have a flat tire.

Yeah, yeah, yes.

Yes, that's very funny. It is. It is.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Uh....

John and Lisa, switch seats.

Jeremy and Maria, you switch seats too.

And you two switch seats. What are you doing?

I'm putting darker kids in the window seats--

That's horrible, that's offensive.

I know, right? Okay, also, Mikey, you sit--

What is your plan here? I don't know.

Are we gonna take 20 kids and walk through Harlem, look for a subway station?

Yeah, yeah, that is what we're gonna do. Okay, new field trip, guys.

All right, listen up, eyes on me.

We are going to get off the bus...

...and we are gonna get ourselves home, okay?

But we're in Harlem.

Yes, we are in Harlem. This is a poor area. Hey. Hey, Dimitrio.

Yeah, yeah, it's Louis C.K.

Do you realize what you're teaching them?

Uh-huh. All right, kids, new field trip.

Everybody gets to go home in their own limousine.

Yeah!

Get in the car, get in the car. Go, go, go, get in the car.

A lot of people who think they're good people...

...are living a really evil life without thinking about it.

And here's the thing. The whole premise of my life is evil.

I'm white, my kids are white...

...which means they can't really screw up too badly...

...because they'll get like a million chances.

My life is really evil, like I--

There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti.

That's really evil.

There are people who just starve to death. That's all they ever did.

There's people who are born and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry."

And then they just die.

And that's all they ever got to do.

And meanwhile, I'm in my car, "boom, boom, pow," like, having a great time...

...and I sleep like a baby.

It's totally my fault...

...because I could trade my Infiniti for, like, a really good car...

...Iike a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it...

...and I'd get back like $20,000.

And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money...

...and every day, I don't do it.

Every day, I make them die with my car.

It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for 10 years.

I'm divorced. I got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage.

It's hard to really look at somebody and go:

"Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't--

I know too much about life to have any optimism...

...because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit.

I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back...

...you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

You might have a nice couple of dates...

...but then she'll stop calling you back, and that'll feel shitty.

Or you'll date for a long time, she'll have sex with your friend...

...or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.

Or you'll get married and it won't work out.

You'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.

Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely...

...and you even argue well, and you grow together...

...and you have children...

...and then you get old together, and then she's gonna die.

That's the best-case scenario, is that you're gonna lose your best friend...

...and then just walk home from D'Agostino's with heavy bags every day...

...and wait for your turn to be nothing also.

I'll be just a minute, sorry.

It's okay. Thanks.

No problem. Do you know where we're going yet?

What? Do you know where we're going yet?

Uh, I don't know, I just-- I thought we'd just wing it.

I had a few ideas.

Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to the door.

Well, please keep it down out here, because I'm not wearing any clothing...