A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

MAN". Not sleeping well?

No.

MAN". Hard time dealing with reality?

Always.

Feel the world is against you? That nobody understands you?

Uh-huh.

Spending a good part of your time daydreaming?

Rescue fantasies and the like?

Hmm?

Like you save the day or save a girl from some threat or villain...

...which you can easily overcome.

Frequently.

Say, a few times a day?

That's about right, doc.

Very good. Let's take a look inside.

Can you take your hat off, please, and turn sideways?

Okay, it looks like about 70 percent of your brain, this whole region here...

...is concerned pretty much exclusively with sex.

You're using about 20 percent of what remains...

...on your desire for power and money.

This small section here is used to deal with bodily functions...

...and also manage your affairs.

Affairs?

Like balancing your checkbook, mortgage, et cetera.

Right, right. I get it.

Wait. I'm looking closer. I'm seeing an additional area.

An active one, and this is usually the area devoted to close relationships.

I'm noticing an older woman. Very old.

My grandma.

Right. And a young man.

That's Kirby, my best pal.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

And a young woman?

Charles.

- My sister. I see.

And what is all this? What are all these shoes?

I was trying to block that out.

Well, who do they belong to?

Ivana.

Why are the shoes all over the floor?

She threw them there.

Well, I understand, but why?

Because, uh...

...she was leaving me.

CHARLES'. I'm still in love with her.

I can't do this anymore! I can't believe this is how you treat me!

You know that's the drawer where I keep all my pictures.

That's the drawer where we keep pictures of us.

I don't want to be in the same fucking drawer as them.

I'm sorry, Ivana. Can you just believe that I love--?

Oh, fuck. Typical shit.

Fuck.

Mother of Christ.

Fuck.

Come on.

Fuck.

I can not love as I have loved and yet I know not why.

Is the one great woe of life to feel all feeling die?

He would have loved this.

Charlie?

You were great, Penny. Smart with a cute accent.

You're all pants and no trousers.

I loved it when you said that.

And me? You were a pain in the ass.

But it was worth it.

Magnificent. - Naughty boy.

You deserve to have your heart broken by her.

Is that so?

How did it look?

Great man, just great. I didn't know you could dance like that.

- Was Ivana here? Did she see? - She's here. She was very impressed.

Was she sad?

- Devastated. Definitely. - Good.

- He's just trying to get my attention. - Ignore him.

He's a total asshole. This whole dying fantasy thing is ridiculous.

He used to be so sweet. And charming.

Go ahead and unplug it. I don't want to live.

I don't think I have the ability to fall in love again.

To tell all my old stories. And spend the time caring.

I guess I'm just gonna end up alone.

You gotta let your uncle rest, honey.

What did the doctor say about my experience?

He said death fantasies were pretty normal.

- This was not a fantasy. Take these pills.

It'll bring your blood pressure down.

Ivana didn't call, did she? Forget it. I keep going over it and over it.

- My brain is so tired. - Look. This came from work.

- Maybe that will get you out of your funk. - I can't deal with this right now.

I do hope you're gonna do the cover to my novel when you're feeling better.

- Of course I will. - But I don't want any bosomed women.

No? Why not? What's it about?

-It's about my life, you idiot. - Am I in it?

Maybe.

Tell me. Be honest. You didn't like her, did you?

There are many things I liked about her. She had a big personality, a charisma.

- She was a bitch. - She was not good for you.

- But it was worth it. - Really?

You don't think so? Yeah, you're right. But how could I resist her?

Why? Because she was young and she had perfect tits?

That is a sign of health. it has been scientifically proven that--

- You're working yourself up. - I didn't make this stuff up.

- Maybe you want what you can't have. - And you want what you have?

I don't have to be here. I have crud I'm trying to deal with.

You're right, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The doctor said you need to relax.

Until we get these tests we don't really know what we're dealing with.

My chest hurts, it's hard to breathe, my left arm tingles.

Isn't that all a bad sign?

You're fine. They're gonna patch you up. You could take a break. Go to Mexico.

Oh, fuck Mexico. The beds are hard. The toilet paper's hard. It's such a hassle.

Guess what. My dentist tells me I'm getting a periodontal--

- This is a classic mid-life crisis. - Oh, come on, not from you.

I'm gonna give you the number of my therapist.

Hey, I don't need some guy in wingtips to tell me that I'm suffering.

Ah, she hates me.

She doesn't hate you. She probably just doesn't have time for your bullshit.

And what is the matter with my bullshit?

And the winner is...

...Charles Swan Ill.

Mr. Swan won this evening in the category of Best Kisser.

He was a nominee...

I'd like to thank the Academy of Sexy Women for honoring me with this award.

I'm deeply moved to be recognized by this extraordinary group of women.

You know, sometimes when I'd be laying out a line of bullshit...

...I didn't think anybody was paying much attention.

It should've been the Biggest Asshole award.

You're telling me.

This recognition. It's personally very gratifying.

I don't know what else to say except thank you.

Thank you, Charlie!

Hey. Am I glad to see you. - Hey, you look great.

I thought you were gonna be pale white with drool and a paralyzed claw hand.

Talking out of the side of your mouth.

- I didn't think you were gonna make it. - Oh, thanks.

I'm double-parked in an ambulance zone.

It shouldn't be a problem.

It is really good to see you. Thanks for coming by.

- Can I ask you something? - Of course, man. Anything.

Do I have tits?

Do you have tits? What are you talking about? Of course not.

She said I was getting tits. Are you being honest?

- Heh. - I gotta get in shape, man.

I'm so busted up.

Oh, zing.

Rewind. Did you guys break up? What did you do?

She didn't want to be in the drawer with the other girls.

Well, obviously. I totally agree with that.

I have no idea what we're talking about.

She found some old stupid snapshots.

Of your ex-girlfriends? Oh, my God, man, that's beginner stuff.

That's a dumb mistake. Here's what we tell her. The photos--

She refuses to talk to me. I'm so mad. I just hate her.

And then all of a sudden I'll remember something that makes me love her again.

You know, an image will flash into my mind. Like Halloween.

Right. I remember I was Carmen Miranda

She was an Indian.

Tell me everything. Favorite food. Color. Where you grew up. First car.

Pizza. Um, blue. Kansas City.

- More. - More?

In high school I went to the state finals.

The only I was good at was running and then I started smoking pot.

- Heh, that's great. That's perfect. - Ha, ha.

Come on. Dig deeper. More.

When I was 7 and my toothbrush would get old and worn out...

...I would make a little hole in the ground and I would bury it behind my house.

I've been dreaming about you my whole life.

Heh, I'm just a small town girl. But you, you're the intriguing one.

- Did you always do art as a kid? - Well, I always liked to draw.

My mom encouraged me.

And then I started taking pictures. I did an album cover for Kirby.

And before I knew it, the thing just took off, turned into a whole business.

I thought I was going to do my paintings, but I did advertising instead.

Welcome to Swan Design.

- Heh. - This is where it all happens.

That's Lance, this is Hicks.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Come back here. I want to show you where I work.

Right this way.

Wow!

You're lucky.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do.

- Is acting stupid? - No, you should give it a shot.

So did you always know what you wanted to do?