The Brink

Evening, Mr. Ambassador. Looking forward to the party tonight.

I'm sure you are, Talbot.

I was wondering if I could get five minutes with you tomorrow.

Yes. I've been meaning to talk to you about your future.

I just saw a job posting for a director of environmental affairs.

We'll talk in the morning then.

Perfect.

I can't wait to fire that guy.

Rafiq! We're going on a mission.

No, we are not going on a mission.

Please get away from me. I'm not even supposed to talk to you.

- Come on. No fuss, no muss. - Nope.

Heard you lost your driving privileges,

because they had to steam clean that SUV that you took to the cricket match.

It's not my fault those ladies couldn't hold their liquor.

Come on, be a buddy.

I'm the only one at this fucking embassy

who bothered to learn your name.

I'm not taking you!

Let's go!

I guess I'm taking you.

- Putz. - Yeah! Now we're talking.

I'm telling you, it's getting dangerous out there.

I don't feel safe going out. There's a rage in the air.

You know what your problem is? You telegraph fear.

The militants can smell it on you.

Ah. You telegraph arrogance.

The militants are going to cut your throat and put it on YouTube.

- They have a channel just for that. - Yeah, exactly.

So you think I'm going to take any risks in this anal cavity of a country?

Ooh, so you're writing a travel guide?

I'm just here to help, my man.

I'm telling you, this is the wrong day for your bullshit.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, shit, yeah.

- Fuck, yeah. - Yeah.

Mmm. Sweet Jesus.

Walter?

Walter!

Shit! Don't scare me like that!

Oh, too soon. The sexy ninja assassin took the pillow away too soon.

Evil American bureaucrat is still alive.

- Oh. Let's try something else. - No, on, no. We'll get it.

It's a timing issue. Another 15 seconds would've done it.

I don't want to go to jail for murder.

They'd never hit you with murder.

Manslaughter, but you just tell them you were defending yourself.

I was trying to attack you. Ooh, let's try that.

I'll pretend to be attacking you,

and you pretend to take a dirty knife from a room service tray

and kill me, yeah? Why do all of your sexual fantasies

involve you getting murdered?

Why do all your sexual fantasies

involve you fleeing Cambodia in a cargo container?

That story wasn't a sexual fantasy.

That was my childhood.

Come here, baby. Papa's thirsty.

Oh! Christ almighty.

- Untie me! - Oh, God.

As you know, threesomes are extra.

Whoever it is, get rid of them. Untie me, untie me!

I know he's in there.

- There's no Walter here. - Excuse me.

You can't come in here.

Mr. Secretary.

This had better be important,

'cause as you can plainly see, I am in the middle of a meeting.

I found him. Yeah, we'll be there in seven...

make that eight minutes.

- You're not his wife? - Yeah, thank God.

Kendra, Jasmine. Jasmine, Kendra.

Pants. Car.

Now.

- Do you want a mint? - No, thank you.

- Brief me. - Okay, Pakistan.

Did you read through the binders I sent you?

Unless they were encrypted on the vaginal walls of an Asian call girl, no.

What binders?

The ones marked "Secretary of State" on the covers,

the ones containing incredibly sensitive SCI level clearance information.

Oh, yeah. I think I might have left them on the bar at Bobby Van's.

We'll have to send someone to track them down and shred them.

- Billy can do it? - Billy?

He's the bartender there.

Right. So, you want to trust Billy the bartender

with classified military documents

and the names of covert CIA agents in Pakistan?

He's a good kid. He's also my wife's personal trainer.

I think he might be fucking her.

Are you absolutely sure no mint?

Speaking of which, let's not let a good crisis go to waste.

Call my wife, tell her I've been with the president for the last 12 hours.

Now, tell me everything I need to know about Pakistan

and not a goddamn thing more.

Okay.

Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.

- Hello? - Hey! It's Zeke.

Where are you? We're somewhere in the Red Sea.

Can't be too precise, OPSEC and all that. How are the kids?

They're good. When can you Skype with them?

Not for a while. We're underway.

The guy from the bank called again.

It sounds like they're gonna foreclose,

so I need you to increase the cash flow.

Ashley, I keep telling you, send me more product.

I'm not gonna break into my stock. You need to charge more.

Your markup is pathetic. They can't pay more.

Most of these poor guys, they net 250 a week.

After sending money home, Xbox, porn... there's nothing left.

Who the hell pays for porn these days?

Horny sailors stuck in the middle of the ocean with no wifi.

Look, Zeke, I really don't wanna have this argument again.

- What do you mean? We're not arguing. - Z-Pak.

- Been looking all over for you. - Ashley, don't hang up.

Sir! Shit just got real.

Admiral wants his best sticks in the air, and that definitely means you.

Get off the phone. Now.

Ashley, these drugs are the only thing

keeping everybody on this ship awake.

- Then they need to drink more coffee. - How about a little compassion

for the brave men and women who keep you from having to wear a burqa?

Okay, fine. I will put a yellow ribbon on my bumper.

Please, Ashley, I'm begging you.

Send me more product. You've gotta do it, Ash!

Right now, look, I really gotta go.

- Listen to me! Ashley. - I'm late.

By the way, so is your alimony check.

Don't hang up! No!

Fuck me.

Ashley, I really need you to get here on time.

I can take the first customer.

Okay. Is this it for today?

This is it. This is it.

If I'm not back in 10, just drive away like nothing's wrong,

call the op desk, remember me fondly.

Do you have the package?

The price has gone up.

What is it with your people? We agreed on a price.

I agreed to nothing.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Whatever it is, I can pay.

You got me by the short hairs. Go ahead and squeeze.

Lemonade my balls.

- Double. - Double? No problem.

Pleasure doing business with you.

At least throw in a shirt.

Too much to ask? Everything's a negotiation.

It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Back to the embassy, Tonto.

As much as I relish leaving this shithole,

I'm gonna miss your exquisite weed.

This was all about scoring dope?

No, this is about scoring with Malena.

She works at the Danish embassy,

and I intend to nation build with her at the big party tonight.

- Hence the primo smoke. - Ah. Diplomacy takes many forms.

Look, I spend all day organizing clean water projects,

- only to see them sabotaged by the Taliban. - Go!

I deserve a little Danish nookie.

What happened to Eva at the German embassy?

She wanted me to help her get a green card, and that kinda...

ruined everything.

And if she finds out about Malena, she'll send me to the gas chamber.

I'm glad you're risking my life so that you can dine out,

at the International House of Pussy.

That's no gay pride parade.

Shit. They're still protesting the election results.

Where do they find time to do all this protesting?

Don't they have jobs?

- Whoa, whoa. - Why are you stopping?

Something's not right. Fuck me.

- Stay here. - Damn it.

Shit!

Okay, you need to get out of the car and help me change this tire.

Yeah, pass. I'm not really feeling the love out here tonight.

Hey, they're coming here for us, okay?

Where the hell is a drone when you need one?

Oh, God! I'm gonna be butt-raped!

You need to really stop obsessing about man-rape and get the fuck out of the car!

Let's get the fuck out of here, god damn it!

Go, go, go, go!

Go! Go!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, outstanding.

Okay, see that? This is not a spontaneous demonstration.

It's a show staged by the military.

- Which way back to the embassy? - No, no, it's blocked.

We're going to have to find a place to lay low for a while.

- How about Vancouver? - Ah.

No signal.

- Huh? - Fuck!

The military has cut off cell reception.

- They do that a lot? - Yeah.

Yeah. It's a Pakistani tradition.

I just want to get a straight answer.

Walter! Finally, somebody who knows what's going on in the world.

- Good morning, Mr. President. - Morning.

Are you sick? You don't look well.

I've never felt better. What's going on in Pakistan?

There are anti-government protests on the streets of Karachi and Islamabad.