Spaceballs

Col. Sandurz?

What is it, Sgt. Ricco?

You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.

- So? - Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.

You're really a Spaceball.

- You know that, don't you? - Thanks, sir.

Have you notified Lord Helmet?

Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.

Make way for Dark Helmet!

All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.

I can't breathe in this thing.

- We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir. - Good.

I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.

I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

What? You went over my helmet?

Well, not exactly over, sir. More to the side.

I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never ever!

Oh, shit!

No! Please!

Please, no, not that!

Yes, that.

- Sandurz! - Sir.

I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?

We don't have visual contact yet, but we have it on the radar screen.

- Shall I punch it up for you? - Never mind. I'll do it myself.

Very good, sir.

What's the matter? What's that churning and bubbling?

You call that a radar screen?

No, sir, we call it Mr. Coffee.

Care for some?

Yes. I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.

- Of course I do. - Everybody knows that!

Of course we do, sir.

Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.

- Where is it? - Right here, sir.

Switch to teleview.

There it is. Planet Druidia.

And underneath the air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air.

- We must get through that air shield. - We will, sir.

Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force her father, King Roland...

to give us the combination to the air shield...

thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.

Everybody got that?

- Good. When will the Princess be married? - Within the hour, sir.

Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Hot! Too hot.

If only your mother were alive to see this day.

- Is everyone ready? - Yes, Your Majesty.

No! Where's my droid of honor?

Oh, dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot?

Dot Matrix!

Oh, thank God, dear!

Where've you been?

Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop.

I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.

All right, people. It's magic time!

All right, everyone, starting on the left foot.

- Daddy, that's the right foot. - It's too late. Keep going.

Daddy.

Must I go through with this?

I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.

But, Daddy...

I don't love him.

I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion...

to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland...

going right past the altar, heading down the ramp...

and out the door!

Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her!

Hey, wait! You forgot to get married!

Will you stop?

What are you doing?

No questions, Dot. Get in.

What is she doing? Where is she going?

Come back!

Barf.

Barf?

Always when I'm eating.

- What can I do you for, boss? - Where you been?

- Grabbing myself a snack. You want some? - No!

- A little hair of the dog? - No! Listen, answer that thing for me.

- Will you watch that? - Sorry.

I'll just throw on our audio here. That way they won't see you.

- Yello! - Hello, Lone Starr.

Sorry, wrong switch.

Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?

No, it's not what I want.

It's what he wants.

Pizza the Hutt.

Well, if it isn't Lone Starr...

and his sidekick, Puke.

- That's Barf. - Barf, Puke, whatever.

Where's my money?

Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.

No. I gotta have it by tomorrow.

100,000 space bucks? By tomorrow?

100,000? No way!

You forgot late charges...

which brings it up to 1 million space bucks!

A million? That's unfair!

Unfair to the payer...

but not to the payee.

But you're gonna pay it or else...

Or else what?

Tell him, Vinnie.

Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.

- You're delicious. - Ciao, boys.

Can we talk?

Okay. We all know Prince Valium is a pill...

but you could've married him for your father's sake...

and then had a headache for the next 25 years.

Will you turn that thing off?

What?

What is it?

I was saying, do you realize what you've done?

Yes! And I'm glad.

Glad.

I wonder if she's glad.

Don't be ridiculous.

As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers...

that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever.

Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself.

Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges.

Yes, bye.

Shithead.

- President Skroob. - Yes?

This is Central Control.

Spaceball Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir.

Yes, what is it, Commanderette?

Lord Helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight...

and Spaceball One is closing in on her.

Good.

We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.

I'll be down immediately.

Should I have Snotty beam you down, sir?

I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.

It was wonderful.

All right. I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

Snotty...

- beam him down. - Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

Great beasties! What's happened to his head?

It's on backwards!

This is terrible! Do something!

I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction.

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.

It could be the interlocking system.

Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Loch Lomond!

Are you all right, Mr. President?

Fine. No thanks to you!

We'll beam you back, sir.

Forget it. No more beaming.

This time I'm gonna walk.

President Skroob! Salute!

Hail, Skroob!

Hello, President Skroob.

- Hello, Charlene. - I'm Marlene.

- Hello, Marlene. - I'm Charlene.

Chew your gum.

Where's the Princess?

Right there, sir, on the left side of the screen...

approaching Spaceball One at 1,500 light leagues per minute.

Good. She's almost in our grasp.

Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.

Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

Good.

Fire a warning shot across her nose.

What's going on?

It's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!

I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich.

- What are you doing? - I'm calling my father.

1-800-Druidia.

Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.

- Who made that man a gunner? - I did, sir.

He's my cousin.

- Who is he? - He's an Asshole, sir.

- I know that. What's his name? - That is his name, sir.

Asshole. Maj. Asshole.

- And his cousin? - He's an Asshole, too, sir.

Gunner's Mate, First Class, Phillip Asshole.

How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow?

Yo!

I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes.

Keep firing, assholes!

Hurry, Daddy. Hurry!

There are laser blasts all around us! I'm scared.

King Roland to Lone Starr.

Are you there?

Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please save my daughter.

She's being attacked by Spaceballs!

Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.

Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Look, Your Highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.

It's just that we got this thing about death. It's not us.

Please, you must!

You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything!

Did you hear me? Anything.

- Anything? - Yes, anything.