The Wife

- Joe, what are you doing? -(GROANS)

I'm hungry-

Don't eat sugar. It will keep you awake.

If this thing doesn't happen,

I don't want to be around for the sympathy calls, okay?

So what we're gonna do, we're gonna get out of here.

We're gonna rent a cabin in Maine, stare at a fire.

That sounds cheerful.

- Don't. - Mmm? Don't what?

Don't pretend you're interested in sex just because you're climbing the walls.

Come on, just a quickie.

- It will help us sleep. - I was asleep.

Well, you shouldn't be. It's not natural.

Come on. You don't have to do anything. Just lie there.

Oh, God.

- Joe, this is pathetic. - Yeah. Pathetic.

In the real sense of the word. Pathos...

Eros.

Okay, fine. Go ahead.

Just imagine I'm some young,

inarticulate stud who's found you lying naked on the beach.

His big hand is tan,

blond knuckle hair,

his middle finger gently probing...

Now he takes out his huge, swaying

tumescent cock.

- Oh, God, Joe, enough! -(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hello?

Hello?

Am I speaking to Mr. Joseph Castleman?

Yes.

This is Mr. Arvid Engdahi calling

from the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm, Sweden.

Uh, this is not a joke, I take it?

No, Mr. Castleman, I assure you.

If you like I will give you the phone number here,

and you can call back.

No, that won't be necessary, thank you.

Oh, my God!

Listen, before you go on,

I'd like my wife to get on the extension.

- Would that be all right? - Yes, of course, I'll wait.

on, God.

Hello? I'm on.

- Hello, Mrs. Castleman. Is that you? -‘(es.

Mr. Castleman, are you still on as well?

Yes, I am.

It is my great honor and pleasure to tell you, Mr. Castleman,

that you have been chosen to receive this year's Nobel Prize in literature.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Castleman, we are so delighted to be giving you this prize.

Your career has a truly remarkable span to it.

Not only do you write

with extraordinary intimacy, wit and depth,

you have also challenged the novelistic form in ways

that will affect generations of writers to come.

Well, I should be getting something for all the gray in my beard.

Indeed, yes.

And thank you for doing so on the world's behalf.

Mrs. Cast/eman.

Yes.

You should know that your husband will be fending off the press today,

so what I advise is that you monitor his calls,

as it does get quite exhausting.

Yes, I'll take good care of him.

Mr. Castleman, I'm sure you would like to make a few calls of your own,

so I shall leave you to your celebration.

We will contact you later with all the specifics.

And, again, many congratulations to you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Good bye. - Goodbye.

Good bye.

I won the Nobel! I won the Nobel!

La-la-la-la...

I won the Nobel!

What?

Joanie, I'm...

- I'm just being silly. - No, I gotta take a shower.

We have a long day. Come on down.

Come on.

Joan.

- There. -(GROANS SOFTLY)

- So you're going to Stockholm? - Mmm.

- When? - December.

-(SHUDDERS) It'll be freezing there. - Mmm-hmm.

- Joe buying you a fur? - No.

No, I think I'll be like any decent First Lady

and get by with a good cloth coat.

Joanie, get over here. Come.

- Hello, Hal. - Hello, Joan.

- You're looking lovely as always. - Thank you, Hal. That's very sweet.

- The New York Times is here. - Really?

Tell her.

They're giving your husband the cover of the Sunday Magazine.

They're knocking out a story about Bill Clinton for him.

Is this going to be like one of those Avedon shots?

With all the pores showing?

Every brilliant one of them, my friend.

Oh, God, this is so unreal, huh?

- How do I look? - You're fine.

- No crumbs? Nose hairs? - No.

- All good? - All good.

Oh, Joanie, tell me this isn't some great, big, fat joke.

It's all real, darling.

- Breathe. Mmm-hmm. - Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES)

Joe, come on, we're waiting for you.

Come on.

Come on. Let's do this.

Hello, my baby's baby.

- I need a nap. - Mmm. Poor Mommy.

Well, lamb.

- There you are. - Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was looking for some decent cigars to give to Dad.

- Oh. - I didn't get him anything.

Was I supposed to?

Oh, darling, no. He's been lavished enough.

- Hey, monkey. - Hey, sis.

Hello, little man.

- David. - Hmm?

I've been wanting to tell you.

Your father showed me your short story.

Yeah?

I think it's beautifully written.

What did he say?

We haven't discussed it yet.

More like this, please. - Hi.

That's great.

Looking so good, Joe.

Mr. Castleman.

There, good.

David, you just got here?

Yeah. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Congrats, Pa.

What's this?

They're Maduros.

Oh, my God.

- These are spectacular. - No problem.

What a lovely gift. Thank you, David.

Oh, you're still smoking, I see.

- You care? - Of course I care.

I'd like to see you outlive me.

- So, did you read my piece? - Yes. We'll talk.

So it is a piece of shit, huh?

Why do you do that?

Because you're clearly avoiding the subject.

No, I'm clearly distracted at the moment.

Look, we'll talk when the time is appropriate.

- Okay? - Yeah, okay.

Please, go and help your mother.

No, Joan, let me do this. - No...

- Please, you enjoy yourself. Joanie.

Here, Joanie. Come.

There, some champagne. Where's Susannah?

Right there.

Dad, I'm right here.

Come. Get yourself a glass.

I'm not drinking.

A glass of champagne will not harm the baby, believe me.

Quiet, please. - Okay? Let's do this.

Joe.

Um...

To quote from the Meditations of Quixote,

"I am I, plus my surroundings,

"and if I do not preserve the latter,

"I do not preserve myself."

Aww.

Today, I'm the happiest of men.

I have my health, give or take a few bypasses.

I have you, my wonderful friends, my ever-curious students,

my son, David, my beautiful daughter, Susannah,

and a future grandchild,

who at this moment is happily floating in her mother's amniotic fluid.

And (CLEARS THROAT) finally...

Finally, I have my beautiful wife, Joan, the love of my life.

Joan, come here. The love of my life.

Without this woman,

I am nothing.

In fact, my greatest achievement is,

well, persuading this woman to marry me.

- Hal, please, get him to wrap it up. - No.

To Joseph Castleman,

who, in my opinion, is the greatest living author of the 20th century.

JOe!

- Dad. To Joe!

Thank you, everybody.

Would you like another biscuit, Mr. Castleman?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Where are you from?

- Cambridge. - Nice.

- Have you been? - No.

Would you like another biscuit, Mrs. Castleman?

Thank you, no.

- You want a bite of my cookie? - No, thank you.

- You want another pillow? - Got one.

You want to take a look at this?

I really want to do my crossword.

Excuse me, Mr. Castleman.

There's a gentleman in the back