Modern Family

Oh! Oh. Good morn-ing.

Hmm. Oh.

How did I spend my summer vacation?

I got over my breakup with Andy.

I got a job at Grandpa's country club.

I got mono. Too close!

Put your mask on!

No one misses two weeks at Caltech and catches up.

What am I gonna do?

Well, honey, I think you need to focus

on getting a little bit stronger,

a little bit healthier and just a little farther.

How do nerds even get mono?

Did you all practice by kissing the same pillow?

Shouldn't you be at work by now?

I got fired.

My plan was to hide it from my parents until I got a new job,

but with smarty-pants Alex home,

I had to be more careful, or she was going to figure it out.

Her being super-sick is coming at a really bad time for me.

You got in late last night, huh?

Yeah. It was payday,

and a game of craps broke out in the kitchen.

See this watch? Enrique's grandfather's.

You're giving it back, and remember, the second that job

interferes with your grades, you're done.

Did you finish your history report?

Just got to dot the I's and cross the T's...

and put in all the other letters.

It's okay, everybody!

I'm alive!

I had a traumatic experience after an open house.

Have a good one.

Oh, no.

Aaaaaaah.

Monday lunch, Monday dinner.

Tuesday breakfast, Tuesday lunch.

Welcome home.

Open house went great. Lots of interested buyers.

Fun fact -- Some stranger, probably a long time ago,

wrote their last will and testament

right here on your wall.

Trust me on this.

Did nobody notice I was gone for 18 hours?

Why aren't you all making posters?

I figured you were in your office.

I went to bed really early last night,

and when I woke up this morning, I thought you'd gone for a run.

Alex? I can't believe this!

Well, honey, the important thing is that you are okay.

Now, I'm very sorry, but I've got to get to work.

We are bidding a big job against my old nemesis,

Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets.

I'm back in there.

**

I want to live outside.

No, Señor, we're not having that argument anymore.

Mowgli lives outside.

Is Mowgli that dirty kid at his preschool

whose parents drive the car that runs on French fry oil?

No. It's that dirty kid that runs around The Jungle Book.

Jay, tell him he can't.

First time I saw Tarzan, I wanted to live outside.

Dad said fine. I walked in the woods, met a hobo.

Taught me how to open a can with a bird's beak.

That story's not helping!

I'm doing it.

No! Jay!

Of course not.

Why learn self-reliance when the industrial machine

depends on constant consumption?

No eggs for me. I'll be having porridge.

Are you really still doing this?

Over the summer, I went to a wedding in Juárez and met Frida,

this amazing girl who enlightened me

to how Communism can rid the world of injustice.

Mm. What a beautiful reception.

Yeah.

Oh, right. That's a bad thing.

I live simply now, and it's good for me.

Might it also help my chance of kissing her one day? Yes.

And if that requires living in a world

where the government chooses all our songs, so be it.

I'm gonna take a coffee

to the guy putting up the security cameras.

It's not coffee the laborers need, Jay. It's dignity.

And I'm going to fight for that

until my fingers are raw and my back is bent.

Six months ago, we took you to the dermatologist

for taking too many bubble baths.

Brought you this.

Oh, thanks. Almost done here.

Take your time.

Important thing is...

Oh, no.

Guess what.

A black family's moving in right across the street

the same day my security cameras are going up.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I made the appointment weeks ago

right after the break-in down the street.

But they'll think I made the call the minute I saw them

because I'm a racist old man.

Why would the neighbors just assume that you're a racist?

Gloria, Gloria, Gloria.

You'll never understand the stereotypes old white men face.

Goal!

Nice shot, Tom.

Do you want to play with us?

You know, I'm off contact sports right now.

I twisted my ankle playing running charades,

but you two should get ready for dance class.

Okay, go. Go, go, go!

-Hi. -Hi.

Okay, why do you look so satisfied?

Did you just listen to an NPR story

that proved you right about something?

No, no, but you know Tom,

the friend that Lily's playing with?

Well, I know of him. We haven't formally been introduced.

Well, it turns out that Tom used to identify as...Tina.

Oh, I wish you wouldn't have told me.

You know how proud I am of my gender identificadar.

Well, Tom's been having some problems at school,

and -- and Lily has been really respectful of him.

Oh, she is so sweet.

She really is.

She gets all the credit on this one.

Uh-huh.

This so doesn't matter.

We raised her to have an open mind.

Totally. We deserve some kudos here, too.

There's enough kudos for everyone.

You know, a kudo would be an excellent name

for a parenting award.

Oh, thank you, Gwyneth.

Lily, if you're still watching, go to bed.

Get out of here, you weirdo!

Part of being the boss is being a bummer.

It was hard at first, but I've learned to accept it...

mostly.

It's really been -- Oh.

Margaret, you knew I was in here.

Sorry. I just had some messages.

Uh-huh. Luke's guidance counselor --

Luke fell asleep in class again.

Haley's car payment is late.

And the credit-card company.

Phil made a large purchase

Tell the creative team to get their giggles out.

I'll be ready for them in 10.

But when you've been the bummer all day at work,

you don't love having to be the bummer at home, too.

Hi, honey. Is your brother around? I need to yell at him.

Of course he's around.

Why would he leave me in peace

to do some work at the kitchen table

when he could just barge in and --

Luke! Game down!

This is your senior year,

also known as your last year to not suck.

Honey. Dad, you hit "place order" once,

and then you wait for the confirmation.

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry! Be smart!

That angry screeching

was the sweet sound of my new home bummer.

I'm just so tired and in pain and irritable.

It just makes me so mad at everyone.

Sorry for yelling, Mom. Why were you calling again?

I forgot.

Damn it, Mom! Write it down next time!

All right.

Here we are.

Okay. Don't forget to give Funkmaster Linda her check

for today's class.

Bye, Tom. Bye, Tom.

Hey, Lily. Can you hang back a second?

I shouldn't. Linda says being late is wiggity-wack.

We just want to know why you called Tom a weirdo

back at the house.

I don't know.

Okay, well, we don't make fun

of people who are different, okay?

You know how hard it was for Daddy and me? Yeah.

Growing up in Missouri, I was so mistreated

that one of my best friends was an old scarecrow

I found in the creek.

Some of your stories would be more impactful

with fewer details.

Fine. I won't do it again. Can I go now?

Okay, but -- but do you understand why what you did is wrong?

Yes!

Well, this bothers me.

They're getting along great, and then one little spat,

and her instinct is to go all baby bigot on him?

Well -- and I say this with love --

she did just get back from spending a full summer

with your family in Missouri.

Oh. So we're blaming my family, then?

I'm -- I'm just saying maybe when she gets back from there,