Cristela

Good morning, Izzy.

Hey, Cris. How are you?

Well, I have two affidavits to write, a deposition,

and my car needs brakes.

Just say "fine." That was all I was looking for.

Oh.

Yes! It was good to see you, too!

I know! I can't wait, either!

Uh-huh. Bye!

I hate that stupid Juanita Canales.

She is so phony.

Mm, she saying something to someone's face

and then another behind their back?

I hate people like that.

She invited us to her granddaughter's quinceañera

this weekend.

She waited till the last minute

so I would have no time to prepare.

Prepare? It's not your quinceañera.

I mean, you became a woman hundreds of years ago.

She wants to show off.

But two can play at that game.

Daniela, get in here! Daniela:

Ama, why do you have to yell all the time?

I'm not a pet.

Mm, in her defense, you did come.

Juanita Canales has invited us to Erica's quinceañera.

And this family needs to dress to impress.

So, get something tight for you and Felix to show this off, huh?

All they have are tight clothes.

Me, too, but for different reasons.

Hey. Not funny.

Oh, and Cristela... eh, forget it.

I'm not going. No.

You always use these as opportunities

to try to set me up with men. No.

I don't do that.

You offered a guy a dowry for me.

And still no one wanted you.

But this time,

you are gonna bring Josh from work as your date.

Hmm. Take that, Juanita Canales.

My daughter has a white boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

No, but he's white, and that's all that matters.

Why is that so important?

Because bringing a white boyfriend shows

that, uh, like the Jeffersons, we are moving on up.

Ama, that is a terrible thing to say.

Why do you think she's smiling?

Daniela, you did fine. You married a very good Latino.

But dating somebody white has its perks.

You get better service.

You only get a warning when you get pulled over.

Also, you don't get pulled over.

Listen. If you're not going, then I'm not going.

I always get into a fight with Felix over these things

because he never wants to dance with me.

Oh, no. You're going.

Exactly.

But the opposite. We're not going.

I'm home.

Wow, Izzy.

What a suspiciously beautiful dress.

Why is she wearing it?

I bought it for her for Erica's quinceañera.

Turn around. Oh, can we go?

Oh, please, please, please. I love this dress.

It is a beautiful dress.

Perhaps the most beautiful dress I have ever seen.

No one is questioning the beauty of the dress.

Please go upstairs so I can talk to ama, okay, honey?

You play dirty, old woman.

Not upstairs yet.

Izzy doesn't count. It's Felix who won't want to go.

Hola, mi Amor. I just had a great run.

Got to make sure I fit into that suit

your mom got me for Juanita's quinceañera.

It's tight.

What?

Well, that sounds like a man who really wants to go.

Felix, you don't have to pretend.

I know you hate these things.

Oh, no. I'm excited.

Ever since we started taking dance classes,

I've been looking for a place to show off.

I still don't want to go.

Why not?

All your problems have been fixed.

He wants to dance.

Yeah, of course he wants to dance.

Now he's fantastic. It makes me sick.

Oh, yes. You have a gorgeous husband who is a great dancer.

My husband left me years ago. I feel your pain.

Look, ama.

I've gotten used to the fact that my husband

is always the best-looking person in the room

and that he gets all the attention.

When I was pregnant, women used to go up to him

and say, "Felix, you look radiant."

Ohh. He did.

Especially with Izzy.

Dancing was the one opportunity I had

where people would notice me and not him.

And now it's like I'm pregnant all over again.

Daniela, why do you think people won't notice you?

You're beautiful.

I know. It's silly.

But it's just the way I feel. I can't help it.

If I can make sure that Felix doesn't dance, will you go?

How can you do that? You saw him.

He's flitting around here like got the lead in "Swan Lake."

Tight shoes.

What?

Tight shoes.

Buy him a pair that doesn't fit.

His feet will torture him, and no more dancing.

Tight enough, you'll be lucky if he walks again.

Is that a new tie?

Oh. Yes, it is.

Uh, I think it says that I'm confident and assertive.

Mm. It also says "gray."

Hey, um, you, uh, you maybe want to get lunch today?

Oh, uh, I think you took gray the wrong way.

Uh, so what are you saying?

We're friends. Going to lunch isn't something friends do.

I'm not gonna lie. I have seen it.

Cristela, where are you?

Oh, God. Go away. Go away. Go away.

Cristela, dónde estás?

Let me guess. You're looking for Cristela?

Hi. I'm her boss, Trent Culpepper.

Oh! Mr. Culpepper. Ha.

This is my mother... Natalia. She doesn't speak English.

I do, too.

And I guess you could say we're both her bosses.

- - Oh, and get this.

- I don't pay her, either. -

Did you say mother? Didn't you mean to say your sister?

Oh, you are not the first person to say that.

- Yes, he is. -

Your mother is delightful, Cristela.

Only when she wants something. Trust me. She's horrible.

I have to go, but it was great meeting you, Mrs. Hernandez.

Thank you, Mr. Trent. Oh, bye.

Ama, what are you doing here?!

I just came by to see where my sweet little angel works.

You have never visited me at any one of my jobs,

not even Holy Molé, and you love that place.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Hernandez.

Oh, there he is! Josh from work.

You can actually just call me Josh from here.

You are too much!

I always say, the Jewish are so funny.

You can stop being nice. Josh knows the real you.

I just came by to tell you

that Daniela decided to go to the quinceañera,

and I thought maybe you would like to go.

But, of course, you would need a date... Josh from here.

No, ama. We're just friends.

Actually, I-I've always wanted to go to a quinceañera.

I mean, it's not like we'd be going to lunch.

Do you even know what a quinceañera is?

Uh, I now speak enough Spanish to confidently say 15-something.

Spoken like a true native.

Ama.

Figure it out.

Why are you smiling like that?

Because this is where I work

and I don't want people to know that we're fighting.

Well, just so that you know,

I will not be smiling while I'm talking.

What is the big deal? I know you like him.

Just let him take you to the quinceañera.

I keep telling you, Josh is just a friend.

Fine. I will tell him that you don't like him

and you don't want to be seen with him.

'Cause if you do that,

then you might ruin the off chance

that maybe, someday, I-in the far distant future,

I would want to go out with him.

Hmm.

Either you go to the quinceañera with Josh,

or I blow any chance you could ever have

with him in the far distant future.

You are so awful!

Remember that when she gets up there.

Or down there.

Hey.

Fine.

I'll go to the quinceañera with Josh.

Oh, thank you. You make me so proud.

And now I will smile.

Ama.

What?

Well, you'll thank me later

when it's time to wrap up the leftovers.

Oh.

Hey, dad.

We're really gonna show 'em on the dance floor, huh?